u/h6l_

im here asking for some guidance from people who have been walking with christ longer than i have. i’m very new to christianity. in fact i’m still in the process of coming to christ, learning and trying to understand what it means to truly follow jesus. saying that out loud is scary for me. for most of my life i rejected or denied jesus christ as my savior. i didn’t take christianity seriously and i didn’t have a relationship with god. i even once considered myself to be a witch. now that i’m starting to seek him i feel a lot of emotions at once. i feel grateful hopeful and drawn toward him but i also feel ashamed and afraid.

i know that god is merciful. i know that forgiveness is possible. i know that i shouldn’t allow fear of other people to keep me from god. but emotionally i’m struggling with that. i’m an alternative looking person. i have facial piercings, i dye my hair, i wear mostly black and dark clothing and my appearance is pretty far from what some people might picture when they think of a christian. when i’ve come to people i feel they aren’t taking me seriously because of how i look so i’m honestly terrified that christians will look at me and decide that i don’t belong. i know that ultimately i shouldn’t care what people think of my appearance compared to what god sees in my heart but i’m still insecure about it.

one bible verse that has really been on my mind is 1 samuel 16:7. that verse has been comforting me because i’m realizing that god sees something in me that other people cannot. he knows my heart. he knows why i’m seeking him. he knows how scared i am and how badly i want to understand him. i’m also struggling with the fact that i feel like i rejected him for so long. i feel ashamed that it took me this long to seek jesus. part of me is afraid that i don’t deserve forgiveness because of the way i lived or the things i believed before. at the same time i’m trying to understand that christianity is about grace and that i don’t earn god's love by being perfect. i think my heart just feels very heavy right now. i want to come to christ but i’m afraid of what comes with that. i’m afraid of people judging me. i’m afraid of doing something wrong. i’m afraid that i’m not worthy. and i’m afraid because i dont want to dilute myself for people to believe i have faith.

i would really appreciate advice on this. advice on going to church. advice on where to begin. advice on being a alternative women and christian.

im here asking for some guidance from people who have been walking with christ longer than i have. i’m very new to christianity. in fact i’m still in the process of coming to christ, learning and trying to understand what it means to truly follow jesus. saying that out loud is scary for me. for most of my life i rejected or denied jesus christ as my savior. i didn’t take christianity seriously and i didn’t have a relationship with god. i even once considered myself to be a witch. now that i’m starting to seek him i feel a lot of emotions at once. i feel grateful hopeful and drawn toward him but i also feel ashamed and afraid.

i know that god is merciful. i know that forgiveness is possible. i know that i shouldn’t allow fear of other people to keep me from god. but emotionally i’m struggling with that. i’m an alternative looking person. i have facial piercings, i dye my hair, i wear mostly black and dark clothing and my appearance is pretty far from what some people might picture when they think of a christian. when i’ve come to people i feel they aren’t taking me seriously because of how i look so i’m honestly terrified that christians will look at me and decide that i don’t belong. i know that ultimately i shouldn’t care what people think of my appearance compared to what god sees in my heart but i’m still insecure about it.

one bible verse that has really been on my mind is 1 samuel 16:7. that verse has been comforting me because i’m realizing that god sees something in me that other people cannot. he knows my heart. he knows why i’m seeking him. he knows how scared i am and how badly i want to understand him. i’m also struggling with the fact that i feel like i rejected him for so long. i feel ashamed that it took me this long to seek jesus. part of me is afraid that i don’t deserve forgiveness because of the way i lived or the things i believed before. at the same time i’m trying to understand that christianity is about grace and that i don’t earn god's love by being perfect. i think my heart just feels very heavy right now. i want to come to christ but i’m afraid of what comes with that. i’m afraid of people judging me. i’m afraid of doing something wrong. i’m afraid that i’m not worthy. and i’m afraid because i dont want to dilute myself for people to believe i have faith.

i would really appreciate advice on this. advice on going to church. advice on where to begin. advice on being a alternative women and christian.

I’m struggling to understand something about myself right now. My ex and I have a very complicated history, and we’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times. This most recent time, he told me that he thinks we need to completely let go of what we had and stop contacting each other because our relationship keeps hurting both of us.

The weird part is that I completely understand why we probably shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I cannot bring myself to be the one to block him or permanently close that door.

Every time he has blocked me or cut contact in the past, I’ve been absolutely devastated at first, but eventually I’ve felt a huge sense of relief. There’s something about knowing that I can't contact him that makes it easier for me to actually move on. When the choice is mine, though, I keep feeling like I can't do it.

He recently contacted me again after saying he wanted no contact, and instead of feeling happy, I feel almost distraught because now that door is open again and I’m back in that state of uncertainty.

Why is it so much easier for me to accept being rejected/cut off than to be the person who does the cutting off? Is this an attachment thing? Fear of regret? Fear of making the wrong decision? Or am I basically looking for him to make the decision for me because I don't trust myself to do it?

I genuinely want to understand what's going on psychologically, because I don't think I actually want to keep repeating this cycle.

I’m struggling to understand something about myself right now. My ex and I have a very complicated history, and we’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times. This most recent time, he told me that he thinks we need to completely let go of what we had and stop contacting each other because our relationship keeps hurting both of us.

The weird part is that I completely understand why we probably shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I cannot bring myself to be the one to block him or permanently close that door.

Every time he has blocked me or cut contact in the past, I’ve been absolutely devastated at first, but eventually I’ve felt a huge sense of relief. There’s something about knowing that I can't contact him that makes it easier for me to actually move on. When the choice is mine, though, I keep feeling like I can't do it.

He recently contacted me again after saying he wanted no contact, and instead of feeling happy, I feel almost distraught because now that door is open again and I’m back in that state of uncertainty.

Why is it so much easier for me to accept being rejected/cut off than to be the person who does the cutting off? Is this an attachment thing? Fear of regret? Fear of making the wrong decision? Or am I basically looking for him to make the decision for me because I don't trust myself to do it?

I genuinely want to understand what's going on psychologically, because I don't think I actually want to keep repeating this cycle.

I’m struggling to understand something about myself right now. My ex and I have a very complicated history, and we’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times. This most recent time, he told me that he thinks we need to completely let go of what we had and stop contacting each other because our relationship keeps hurting both of us.

The weird part is that I completely understand why we probably shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I cannot bring myself to be the one to block him or permanently close that door.

Every time he has blocked me or cut contact in the past, I’ve been absolutely devastated at first, but eventually I’ve felt a huge sense of relief. There’s something about knowing that I can't contact him that makes it easier for me to actually move on. When the choice is mine, though, I keep feeling like I can't do it.

He recently contacted me again after saying he wanted no contact, and instead of feeling happy, I feel almost distraught because now that door is open again and I’m back in that state of uncertainty.

Why is it so much easier for me to accept being rejected/cut off than to be the person who does the cutting off? Is this an attachment thing? Fear of regret? Fear of making the wrong decision? Or am I basically looking for him to make the decision for me because I don't trust myself to do it?

I genuinely want to understand what's going on psychologically, because I don't think I actually want to keep repeating this cycle.