u/handsomeandsometruth

I've been trying to reach out to people through apps to make friends and so on. I look at their profile pictures and bios to know what they get up to, and I can't help but feel left behind. I feel like a child compared to them. Many of them have established careers as academics, they travel, are well put together, and then there's me. I never travel, almost never leave my house, have never had a real job in my life, and rely on my parents for financial support.

I'm living in a different reality than they are. How am I supposed to relate to anyone? I've been thinking lately that not fitting in is actually a good thing. I don't want to fit in because I don't value the same things society values or expects from people. I do want to feel belonging though. How am I supposed to find that in this world? Feels like I'll be alone most of my life.

I know there are people like me out there but where do I meet them? Maybe the problem is I don't lead my profile with "I've isolated myself for a decade and have never held a job in my life because of depression and trauma, etc." Then again I think that's probably coming on too strong. So idk. I think I just have to focus on finding kind people.

If you're not careful and you noclip out of reality in your own home, you'll end up in the Hikirooms, where it's nothing but the stink of old unwashed bedsheets, the madness of all-encompassing shadow, the endless noise-cancelled silence, and approximately 2.5 billion miles of optic fiber cables that provide endless entertainment to get lost in.

God save you if you've told others about the realm you're trapped in, they sure as hell haven't heard you.

I'm trying to do small things to overcome my anxiety like making eye contact with strangers. Most people look away, sometimes I'm the one that looks away if the eye contact gets too intense. Last time I went to the gym there was this girl who was at the other end of the gym the first time I noticed her. I'd just finished a set on one of the cable machines and was walking back and forth restlessly as I waited for my rest period to end. She was on one of the many bicycle machines, all of which face the wall away from where I was.

As I walked back and forth close to my machine I notice she was constantly going out of her way to look in my direction, something that required her to consciously and deliberately turn her head. I didn't think too much of it at the start, as I wasn't the only person at the gym. Maybe looking at the screen on her machine or the wall was too boring.

Then I noticed that, as I relocated to a different area inside the gym to do different exercises, she followed along to my general vicinity. Could be a coincidence. Then I try to practice my eye contact thing that I'm doing with strangers, but from a safe distance. I notice she holds eye contact with me. Cool, some people are just confident I guess. I didn't hold eye contact for too long so as to not make it too intense. I mostly mind my own business.

I relocate again, she follows to a close-by machine. Then I start to notice that as I take a break to drink water from the water fountain that she takes an odd route that causes us to walk past each other. This happens several times to the point it's beyond coincidence. If it happens once it's an occurrence, if it happens twice it's a coincidence, if it happens thrice it's a pattern.

One time she takes a very direct route to me where we walk straight into each other and as she gets near me she smiles and actually winks at me! I felt like I was going to panic because no girl has ever winked at me before. It caught me off guard so I didn't react to it but it made me quite anxious. Then she walked toward me again, this time there didn't seem to be any particular excuse for it. It's like she waited for me to finish my set (I was doing dips and I swear I caught her staring).

Right when I finished she started walking my way. This time she had a big smile on her face and said hello. I kept eye contact with her as much as I could but I became so anxious that I felt I was going to have a panic attack. So, instead of keeping eye contact and saying hello back I looked away. I was afraid of looking like a nervous freak and destroying her expectations of me.

For additional context I go to the gym at night because there's usually less people, as you can imagine. She was one of the only women there at around midnight, and of all the guys that were there she zeroed in on me.

I would have been a lot tougher on myself in the past about not acting on such an obvious chance to ask a girl out, or at least have a conversation. Thing is though, what I'm going through is very difficult to deal with. I intend to be empathetic enough toward myself that I don't beat myself up about it. It's okay if things don't work out.

I swear the girl seemed a bit upset after I avoided her, and she stopped making eye contact with me after. I planned to introduce myself to her in a very basic way as a small step to overcome my anxiety. She left soon after the eye contact thing though and I didn't see her even after I finished my workout. Some things just aren't meant to be, I guess.

So my takeaways from this experience are as follows. First, plenty of fish in the sea. Second, if I ever see her again I'll try the same thing as before, and I'll just tell her I'm an introverted, sensitive and anxious person (I'm trying to be more authentic too as part of my practice). Third, the fact that a girl was checking me out at the gym and actively trying to seek me out tells me that my gym gains are coming along nicely. No girl really goes out of her way to do that much for a guy, not usually.

So despite the little bit of sadness I had at things not panning out, I look at myself through a lens of empathy. It's okay that I didn't handle things perfectly, I have it harder than most socially speaking. If I happen to meet that girl again and I talk to her and she lost interest, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who only likes me for my looks, who is incapable of being empathetic toward me. And if anything, I got a bit of a confidence-boost from the experience.

Here's to finding my first friend and girlfriend over time 🥤(non-alcoholic emoji, I don't drink). Wish me luck, guys!

I like going on youtube and watch people DIY stuff or just be good at their craft. Right now I'm watching someone fix broken CPUs so he can resell, and there's something so satisfying and relaxing about it. The commentary is often calm and focused, and the people that make these kinds of videos tend to be passionate about what they do.

It makes me wish I could feel the same way while I work on projects. Usually I feel lots of anxiety and overwhelm when working on things. Maybe watching these kinds of videos is a way of me to try and condition myself to emulate them.

I gave the CPU repair example - what 'watch me work' style videos do you watch?

I've avoided socializing so much that I've isolated myself from the world for years. When I do something that requires social interaction, feels like my level of comprehension of what others say is shot. Maybe it's the anxious brain fog or my sleep problems, but I have a hard time processing what people tell me, or I'll process the incoming verbal information in an incomplete way.

For example, I had to pick up a prescription and the person at the desk asked me for my date of birth. I just gave her the year I was born in. She had to repeat the question so I could give her the information she needed. I'm less embarrassed about it than I would have been in the past, I've become better at being kind toward myself when I make mistakes.

Still, I'm concerned about whether or not I can make friends or be socially competent in an authentic way. I'm done with the whole 'fake it till you make it' shtick. I'm concerned that I might be developing memory problems due to my sleep issues as well.

Not really mine technically but I'm the one that uses it. Went to a self service car wash and gave it a good clean. This is sort of a big deal for me because I've been absolutely dreading doing it. It's been dirty for months at this point I'm pretty sure. I didn't really want to wash it at home because I don't want to expose myself to problematic neighbors, and put it off for a while because of my anxiety.

It was kind of nice going outside for something like this. Weather was nice and the car ended up looking a lot better in the end.

That's how it is for me. I have this 'fantasy' where I become self-employed via the internet to the point I can finally leave and be financially independent from my parents. It's not entirely a fantasy though, because I know I can make it work if I was only able to apply myself. The only reason I can't go through with this plan consistently is because I get so depressed living here where dysfunction is the norm, and I have no support system to counter this.

An alternative solution to the problem is getting a job. But then I'd have to get a job as someone who's never had one in his early 30's. Don't really want to roll the dice with being bullied in the workplace by some edgy young people. My mental health is already in a perilous place as it is.

So here's the silver lining in all of this for me. I've been going to the gym consistently for a while. It took a lot of courage to take that first step, but I'm a few months in and I genuinely enjoy going. There are days I don't feel like going but I have a low-pressure way of convincing myself to go anyway. I'm starting to see the results of my efforts and that feels good.

I'm just wondering if anyone here is on a similar journey. Maybe we can support each other.