u/happycamper418

I get that this is not a one-size-fits-all question, but I'm curious particularly for those of you with large student loan balances how that has impacted your family planning? Was there a certain magic number you got down to where you felt comfortable having kids? Paid in full? Very interested to hear others thoughts/experiences with this.

My stats: 28 F with a $61k private student loan (down from $93k) and $37k in federal loans (mostly been sitting in forbearance due to all the nonsense that's been happening). I make about $80k a year, $30k in savings and about $15k (I know, it's not great but I am prioritizing loan payoff before worrying too much about retirement) in 401k. Recently married and want kids but feeling nervous to start a family until I get these paid down.

So for context, I had a horrible wedding planning experience thanks to my mother in law. Long story short, she freaked out 3 months before my wedding and wanted several people added to our guest list. She was incredibly insensitive and unkind about it...basically just threw a temper tantrum and recruited the whole family to put pressure on my husband and I. Planning was already well underway and we had to make some major adjustments to make this happen, but (against my better judgement) we did give in and add the guests.

Needless to say, this put a bad taste in my mouth and created a lot of tension. My wedding was largely a DIY affair (backyard wedding with no coordinator, makeup artist, florist, etc.) so I was extremely busy and stressed out leading up to the day, especially with the last minute addition of guests. The day before the wedding, we invited both sides of our family over to help us set things up. My SIL arrived and proceeded to stand there and visit with my husband's side of the family for the first half hour or so with no greeting to me or offer to help (mind you, my family, husband and I are actively carrying things and setting up). She then finally approaches me once we have set up the last table and asks if she can help with anything. I said (admittedly a bit snarkily) "it's a little late for that we're just about done". She proceeded to run off crying and my husband went to comfort her. During that conversation she apparently brought up several instances that she didn't like my behavior (ex. she didn't like that I was on my phone too much at family brunch one day, she didn't like the way I had worded certain things to her etc.) They were all extremely nitpicky things and all recent times when I had been busy and stressed with wedding things and family drama. I am appalled and disgusted that she would pick apart my behavior during the most stressful time of my life, and make it about herself by venting to my husband the day before our wedding no less. My husband thinks it was just a tense moment, and she got emotional and did not mean to bring those things up. But I have taken it VERY personally. I find it incredibly tacky and nasty to try to plant seeds of doubt or air grievances the day before our wedding. We've been married a few months now and I'm still extremely angry about it. Husband thinks I'm overreacting but my family is appalled as well and agrees that I'm right to not trust her anymore. AIO?? How should I move past this?

Curious on other people's experiences. Barring some traumatic/major event like finding out your partner was cheating or keeping a major secret, how did you know it was time to leave?

Struggling because my (28 F) partner (27 M) is a decent person, hasn't cheated, nothing major...he just is immature and isn't really receptive to my needs. I have to remind him over and over again to help with the most basic things or participate in our household, he is by far the messiest person I have ever met. Even needs hygiene reminders from me at times. I suspect he has ADHD and have encouraged him to see a therapist, even going so far as to provide him with phone numbers and finding us a marriage therapist on my own. He's just so low effort and doesn't seem to get the seriousness of my feelings. It is killing our relationship. My sex drive is at an all time low and I desperately want children but cannot fathom having them with him. I want to leave but struggling to justify it. Can anyone relate/share what it took for them to leave their partner?

Update: My husband made a blank shift schedule/job list and just put it in a group chat with the whole family. He told them if Grandma is coming home he can take care of the yard and do one shift/week but we will need help with the rest. If they can't work together to cover the rest then they need to figure out a different solution. We will see how they respond, but I'm proud of him! ❤️

So, for context, I just married my husband less than a month ago. A few months before the wedding, his grandma was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and since then has undergone multiple hospitalizations due to surgery, chemo effects and complications with her stent. She has required a progressively more significant amount of care at home, at this point needing help with everything from feeding, bathing, toileting, and just getting up/around in general. She has also been violently ill from chemo, resulting in her soiling herself several times a day. His grandpa is unable to care for her on his own, and my husband and I live next door so a lot of her care has been falling on us. Frankly, its escalated into a role I'm not comfortable in. I am not a trained caregiver, my husband and I both work full time, and I feel we haven't even had a chance to enjoy being married (or do anything for ourselves in general) because we are literally working around the clock. We offered to help when she first got sick and have been cooking meals for his grandpa, helping clean their house, helping with their dog, my husband has been caring for their yard since the beginning of her diagnosis. Those are all things we were/are happy to be able to do for them. But fulltime caregiving is just too much for us. She has been in the hospital the last few days and they are discussing discharging her. My husband and I expressed concerns with this as the last two times she was discharged her hemoglobin dropped and she had to be ambulanced back to the hospital within a few days both times. The doctor suggested rehab care until she is strong enough for surgery to remove the tumor, and my husband and I asked for information on this but the entire family is acting like we are evil for even considering it. My SIL had a private conversation with my husband and now he is changing his mind and agreeing that we never should have considered it. I feel like she just guilt tripped him.

To me, it's easy for his family to say she should just come home and anyone who isn't helping with her care isn't entitled to an opinion. I told them if she comes home we definitely need some help with her, which they agreed to do but we have asked for help before and they don't show up for us (or just stop by for a half hour and leave). I'm just feeling so burnt out and like this is affecting my mental health and now potentially my relationship with my husband since we are at odds about what we think next steps should be. What would you do? AITAH?

AIO for being annoyed that my MIL randomly told her entire side of the family (immediate family, grandparents, aunts uncles etc.) to all wear navy to my wedding that's coming up in 2 weeks? Without ever mentioning this to me or my fiance?

For some context, my in-laws (MIL particularly) have been horrible throughout our engagement. Without making this too long and getting too deep into all the drama, one of the biggest things that happened was we were bullied by his whole family into adding a large number of people to our guest list less than 3 months prior to wedding. Resulting in us having to redo invitations, change dinner venue, etc. This was months after we had already communicated to his family who would/wouldnt be invited and everyone seemed fine with it.

Anyway, it was a huge stress and it was NOT handled respectfully or kindly by anyone in my fiance's family. It honestly really hurt both of us, and I felt like us rearranging things for them was a HUGE courtesy that they frankly didn't deserve, but we did it because we didn't want to deal with so much negativity so close to our day. Since then, things have been super weird and uncomfortable. They haven't really expressed interest in our wedding or offered to help at all. I try to include his mom and sister and at least text them to show them my DIY's and things, ask for decor opinions, etc....but its just been really awkward and uncomfortable and my relationship with them feels very strained.

In the spirit of trying to include them and move forward, I invited my SIL over to help with our favors and talk about some wedding things a few days ago. While she was over, she showed me her dress and, not that I cared, but I noticed that it was different than what she showed me before. I complimented it and said something along the lines of "oooh you switched!" and she was like "yeah my mom wants our whole family to wear navy." I brushed it off but HUH?

I can't really tell if I'm just sensitive and on edge given everything that's happened, but I'm kind of irritated and rubbed the wrong way by it. I don't care that they're wearing navy, but I do feel its weird for her to tell everyone what to wear when she hasn't even wanted to be involved with planning or have any idea what's going on with the wedding. Especially bc the vibes are springy florals and pastels...so it just doesn't really make sense? Please tell me if I'm overreacting for being irked by this lol.