u/hiddeninplain_

I thought there was going to be another one. I thought we were still going to watch Friends tonight. I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to our long, late-night calls again. I was looking forward to hear your voice.

I think my gut was right. The last time we talked, I had this feeling that it was going to be our last call. Maybe that’s why we ended up talking until 8 in the morning. If I had known, I should’ve listened. I should’ve told you everything I wanted to say.

It’s my fault, anyway. I wasn’t ready, but at the same time, I was selfish because I couldn’t let you go. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it.

Right now, I just really miss your voice. I miss you calling me “that” nickname. I miss the random “Hi’s”.

Ghad. I miss you already.

I made the lasagna today that was supposed to be for you.

Maybe I’m just sad and desperate and the rain isn’t helping.

I wish I could share this with you. I’m so tempted to send you a picture and act like nothing happened, like I could just casually message you again.

But that wouldn’t be fair to you.

I really hope you’re doing okay.

Ghad I wish you missed me too. I know that sounds selfish, but I really hope you do.

Because I miss you so much.

There are still so many things I never got to tell you.

I really hope you follow your dreams. You have so many of them, and I hope you get to build all the businesses you want, do the car thing, the aviation thing, whatever it is that makes you happy. You’re still young. The world is your oyster.

I genuinely wish you well.

Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking, what if I had just taken the risk? What if I had set aside my fears and just let myself try? Because I know you would’ve been there.

And sometimes I wish I wasn’t this broken. I wish I didn’t carry so much fear and damage from everything that came before you. Maybe then I could’ve given you the chance you deserved.

But I can’t change where I am right now.

So I hope you keep choosing yourself. Keep chasing your dreams. Keep becoming the person you want to be.

And I really, really hope life gives you everything you’re hoping for.

I just wish I could’ve met you at a time when I was ready.

Ghad why does this hurt so much? 😭

Three weeks.

It sounds so short. But somehow, it feels so long. Long enough that I feel like I’ve known you for so much longer and long enough for me to know I’m going to miss so many things about us.

It’s weird because I haven’t even met you. And somehow, that’s what makes this even harder. We never got to meet, yet here I am, feeling like I still have to say goodbye to you.

And honestly, what confuses me the most is why letting go of these three weeks feels harder than letting go of seven years.

Maybe it’s because those seven years left me with so much baggage that I’m still trying to carry. And ironically, that’s also the reason I can’t give you what you want, or take this to the next level, even if a part of me wishes I could.

I just wish things were different. I wish the timing were right. I wish I met you at a time when I was ready to give you everything you deserve.

Three weeks shouldn’t feel like this.

But somehow, it does.

All those places we talked about, all the restaurants we were supposed to try, all the food I wanted you to try, all the things I was planning to cook or bake for you, those were all real. When I talked about those things, I meant every single one of them. I wasn’t just saying things to make plans or to give you something to look forward to. I genuinely wanted to do all of it with you.

And there’s a part of me that desperately wants to message you and say, “Please, forget everything. Please wait for me. I’ll be okay one day. I promise.”

But I don’t want to be selfish anymore. You deserve someone who’s ready to choose you now, not someone asking you to wait for some version of herself that might be ready someday.

I miss you so much.

I thought there was going to be another one. I thought we were still going to watch Friends tonight. I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to our long, late-night calls again. I was looking forward to hear your voice.

I think my gut was right. The last time we talked, I had this feeling that it was going to be our last call. Maybe that’s why we ended up talking until 8 in the morning. If I had known, I should’ve listened. I should’ve told you everything I wanted to say.

It’s my fault, anyway. I wasn’t ready, but at the same time, I was selfish because I couldn’t let you go. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it.

Right now, I just really miss your voice. I miss you calling me “that” nickname. I miss the random “Hi’s”.

Ghad. I miss you already.

- H.B.