u/hmzaammar

I’m a med student but really not interested in medicine, I just don’t see the “glamour” or beauty behind it, all of medicine feels like a chore.

On the other hand, I like aircraft, military ones, ask me about any military jet, and I’ll yap for minutes about it, but ask me anything medical? I’ll quickly dismiss you or give you the bare minimum of info just to come out as competent, in this field where everyone sees you as some sort of god and when you’re proven that you’re not a god, you get labeled all kinds of things by society.

In my college applications, I was conflicted between med school and aero engineering, I said “since I’m talentless at maths and physics and those two are essentially the cornerstones of engineering, I can’t imagine doing that at all, even if it’s for my lovely planes” so I compromised, I chose med school instead, boy do I regret that.

I didn’t exactly come here for fun or joy or whatever, but it’s so fucking ugly, so fucking terrible, so unlovable, made to be hated.

And for what? To get shit on by ungrateful patients? Or by the decaying health system of my backwards country?

The problem is, I don’t think I can transfer or switch out of med school, I’ve already spent almost 2 years of my life here, I can’t suddenly switch from a biology, medical oriented mindset to a mathematical one, which is nonexistent btw. I’m probably saying this also in part due to a sunken cost fallacy my mind is pulling on me.

So the question is, will I ever love medicine as a field, as a respected profession and career?

I just can’t help but think what if my career was about planes and funny flying fucks (that’s what I call em)?

What if instead of spending miserable hours hearing tens of patients and unfortunate cases and suffering, knowing that my possible incompetence is what will kill those poor people, I could be with planes, messing with their engines, fixing, tinkering, researching, building, JOY ffs?

I can’t help but also think that I’m not trying hard enough, even if what I’m studying is merely preclinical but even then, ts I’m studying is still important in the long run, but I can’t just “get up and study”, I have lost motivation due to some social and personal events in my life, coupled with my neverending what ifs and growing discontent with medicine, it’s just scary to think that I can genuinely end the life of somebody because of my gross negligence and incompetence, all of which would he preventable.

I feel like a prisoner, forced to toil away at this unlikable crap. I don’t care about the difficulty of the material, it’ll always be there, but I just…idk
I’m just exhausted ig

What am I supposed to understand from “it died on the vine”? Did I even hear that right?

I’ve played “grind” based videogames like war thunder and gta online and I couldn’t help but notice that grinding isn’t just in video games, it’s in life too.

At some point in video games, you reach a point where you stare blankly at the screen and say to yourself “what am I even doing with my life” and other variations of that, in life you get that too.

The exhausting feeling of dread in those grindy slaving games where it alludes you with what the top looks like but it’s gonna take years and possibly some money on top just to reach that level, and when you do reach it, you question why you did it in the first place.

I feel like everything in life is just another time-dependent grind, the academic grind of doing great in high school in order to get into a great university which could get you a great degree to get a great job
All of which is a grind, but they constantly tell us “just finish highschool and you’ll be happy” “just finish college you’ll finally be successful and fulfilled” “just do x and you’ll be set for good”

Marriage too is another grind

You toil away to build up your potential cv to show to your future partner’s father, and then either he approves or disapproves, but you still keep going, toiling toiling, working, studying, etc

And for what?

It’s not like any of the above sayings are true, there is no break, there is no rest, just endless labor, endless chases, endless imaginary rat races.

Even the path to Akhira is a grind, and it’s getting harder generation by generation

Fitna, accessibility to sins, time restrains, etc.

Just another grind in a grindy video game, this is how life feels lately

I wrote this before my country’s wifi gets cut out so I hope I got my point across