u/holaquequiere

I become a different person in the luteal phase and I hate it

I don’t have body image issues usually. But when that PMDD kicks in? I fucking hate myself. I don’t want to be seen or perceived by anyone. I hate looking in the mirror. I feel huge, like I’ve ballooned to twice my size. My clothes fit all snug and I feel like a hose is attached to my body, constantly pumping me with fluid that won’t burst or release. I’m so BLOATED it HURTS! My legs actually hurt when I press on them from how swollen they are. I’m constantly hungry but never want to eat from the severe discomfort the bloating gives me. I only crave salty stuff which is also bad because it makes the bloating worse!

Then my mood. I’m irritated all of the time over shit that doesn’t even register for me on a regular day. I get so depressed my suicidal thoughts are the absolute worst during the luteal phase. I just can’t stand myself rn and needed to put this somewhere. I eat healthy, I strength train twice a week, take supplements etc.. when that PMDD flares it flares with a fucking vengeance

Lived with pwBPD as a roommate for 2 years. All I had ever seen them as was a friend. While I was single they mirrored me heavily, taking on interest’s of mine that she had never once shown interest in. I’m a bisexual woman and she’s a lesbian, she’d ask me what types of women I liked and I basically listed off everything she wasn’t (not in a targeted way, was just being honest about who I’m attracted to.) she enthusiastically agreed to everything and described herself as girly after saying I like feminine women which felt so funny since she’s a complete computer geek type who would get lost in a Sephora probably.

When I got into a relationship, she always found grievances with my partner. She called our relationship co-dependent for whatever reason and kept alleging that I allowed my partner to wickedly mistreat her for some reason? And always claimed I prioritized my relationship over her. My GF thought she was in love with me LOL but I’m not sure how I feel about it. What do y’all think? She’s since discarded me and I don’t give a shit I couldn’t be happier tbh✨

I was a kid in the 2000s and had an ED as a teenager in the 2010s that nearly killed me. Seeing the 2000s body standards make another come back in my adulthood after having experienced my ED, I’m honestly so grateful and proud of myself for how little I care and I wish this for every woman. I’m basically dark on social media outside of Reddit and YouTube, and nothing I watch or engage with on either of these platforms have the algorithm putting this thinspo bullshit on my feed.

Seeing every celebrity looking emaciated and seeing everyone on Ozempic fills me with nothing but disgust and boredom. Nothing could possibly compel me to ever want to look like that again. I love nurturing my body with healthy food and being built like a healthy, adult woman. If these celebrities want to pump themselves silly with a fad weight loss drug and walk around looking like emaciated children, they can have fun with that, they have the money to afford good healthcare when that starts to go south for them🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s the post lol, just hoping this can rub off on everyone!! Take care of your body, its the only one you have

CW FOR MENTIONS OF LOW APPETITE AND WEIGHT

My appetite is very sensitive to stress and will completely disappear if I’m in distress. In the two years that I lived with her, I quite literally never wanted to eat. Food was repulsive to me. One would think that eventually, your body would get tired of being underfed and start firing out hunger cues in every which way. Nope. It was like my body wanted to starve. I was losing hair and couldn’t get my weight past 120 lbs, which is too thin for me. My insomnia was also at its absolute worst. Much like eating, my body seemed like it straight up did not produce melatonin anymore.

I had a stroke in November and move out since I was in no condition to take care of myself, and my pwBPD couldn’t even wash her own dishes so I knew I needed to leave if I was going to recover. To clarify, I am extremely outside of the typical age bracket for strokes. Not even close to it. My mom, girlfriend and sister all think the pwBPD “caused” the stroke but I’m a little hesitant to accept that since that’s a heavy thing to put on someone else. What I will say with confidence though, is that so much has changed since I got out of there. I was able to actually eat and desire food like a normal human and gain much needed weight. My sleep is a part of a greater health issue but thankfully its now nowhere near the trenches it was in before. My physiology feels human again.

Don’t stay and give more of yourself. This crap can cost you your health. I was so wrapped up in truly believing I was the bad guy and that I was somehow hurting her, when the entire dynamic was eating away at me the entire time

Ex-friend with BPD did these two things to me a lot and I’m wondering if it’s indeed tied to the disorder and if anyone else has experienced it.

Number one, the intentional provocative behavior. Multiple times I’d catch her looking at me and pausing as if she were waiting for a reaction from me after saying something controversial or provocative in relation to a topic I cared about or a hobby I was invested in. I even ran this by my GF who lived with me and pwBPD at the time because I thought I was reading into things a bit too much and my GF confirmed she too observed this behavior in our interactions. I picked up on it fairly quickly and started completely ignoring her and she’d visibly pout when she received no reaction. Wondering what the point of this even was lol

Number two, superiority complex. She was very passionate about a lot of political and social causes, but the way she spoke about them and how she chose to judge people based on their perfect adherance to her politics felt like she was attempting to position herself as morally superior, particularly towards me. For example, she hated “celebrity culture” and didn’t care to “stan” anyone, which is fine. But she’d specifically go on about this whenever I’d display excitement over an artist or actor I liked, as in “oh people who care about celebrities are such sheep etc etc” like said in a mocking tone. Or with her veganism, she was very selective with who she judged for not being vegan which once again, felt extremely targeted towards me. One of her less close friends in college made a joke about not wanting to go out to hot pot with her because she wanted meat-eaters to be present to help her with the meat, and she just laughed this off. When I expressed wanting someone who eats meat to accompany our hot pot stops, she’d visibly pout and call me a carcass eater???

Is this behavior or something like it common in BPD?? What’s the thought process behind this if so??