u/howlettwolfie

I've had a bit of a frustrating situation with CC, forcing a change in my surgeon. My plan was to have surgery with Finnish surgeon Atte Manninen in Christinas Clinic (I think they don't have an apostrophy in the name lol) in Estonia. This spring, they told me to recontact them in July when they should have Manninen's fall and winter schedule. I contacted them again the first thing on July 1st, was told the three dates this year he'll be operating there, I basically picked one, and in the very next email just minutes later they told me due to Manninen being overbooked, I'll have to go his Finnish clinic if I want top surgery with him. I would, if only it didn't cost over 2000€ more than in Estonia... I've heard so much good about Atte Manninen and had decided to wait extra to get surgery with him, making CC's crap customer service extra annoying. I wish I'd contacted them just in case in June; maybe he wasn't overbooked by then and I could've had the surgery with him, but I waited patiently until July like I was told to do...

Anyway, I've tried finding pics of Viiklepp's handiwork on Reddit but haven't found any. Has anyone here been under his knife? They told me they do about 120 top surgeries a year in CC, so they should know what they're doing, but Estonian law prohibits photos of patients being shared by health care practitioners, so I can't just look them up. Anyone??

I've had a bit of a frustrating situation with CC, forcing a change in my surgeon. My plan was to have surgery with Finnish surgeon Atte Manninen in Christinas Clinic (I think they don't have an apostrophy in the name lol) in Estonia. This spring, they told me to recontact them in July when they should have Manninen's fall and winter schedule. I contacted them again the first thing on July 1st, was told the three dates this year he'll be operating there, I basically picked one, and in the very next email just minutes later they told me due to Manninen being overbooked, I'll have to go his Finnish clinic if I want top surgery with him. I would, if only it didn't cost over 2000€ more than in Estonia... I've heard so much good about Atte Manninen and had decided to wait extra to get surgery with him, making CC's crap customer service extra annoying. I wish I'd contacted them just in case in June; maybe he wasn't overbooked by then and I could've had the surgery with him, but I waited patiently until July like I was told to do...

Anyway, I've tried finding pics of Viiklepp's handiwork on Reddit but haven't found any. Has anyone here been under his knife? They told me they do about 120 top surgeries a year in CC, so they should know what they're doing, but Estonian law prohibits photos of patients being shared by health care practitioners, so I can't just look them up. Anyone??

So I'm reading through the consent forms and filling in the health forms before my first consultation (!!!), and the pre-surgery guide says (translated twice):

"No coughing/colds, fever, or herpes (even during the healing/recovery phase) is allowed."

I.... have herpes. I'm probably just being paranoid, but do they mean you can't have surgery if you have herpes, period, or you can't have surgery during a herpes outbreak?

I don't want to ask them what they mean in case they say no you can't have surgery then. Obviously I don't want to lie. But I will if I must. My outbreaks are rare and I can nip them in the bud in a couple of days with sauerkraut lol so the chances of having an outbreak at the time of surgery are minimal.

Halp lol

Right, so. Um. After my endometriosis diagnosis a couple of years ago at age... 37?, having looked at the "women's diseases" wall sign in the hospital and asking myself "is that what I am?" in utter bewilderment and thought about it for a year, I came to the conclusion I'm nb, specifically agender. I haven't changed my mind! But I have become confused about what sort of flavour of enby I am, like where am I on the masc spectrum. I'm hopefully having top surgery this year! Once I was a month away from booking the consultation and surgery, I started having doubts, now I'm 8 days from contacting the clinic again and more sure and excited again but also a bit nervous! (They don't know the schedule of the surgeon I want and told me to contact them again in July.)

My plan is to have TS and then see how I feel. I'm really really hoping I'll conclude it's enough. If I change nothing else, I don't think most people will ever notice, I'll never have to tell anyone except my family who will definitely notice the lack of boobs next summer when sauna-ing and swimming. I have no idea if I want T really, but also I don't want to want T because it would change, like, everything, and that's scary.

Before my nb egg cracked, I thought part of womanhood was being uncomfortable with your boobs. I genuinely thought everyone was, because they're so sexualised, even though I could see women on the street in push-up bras and low neck shirts showing off. Even now, I often have to remind myself that being uncomfy IS dysphoria, and I feel like the many days (I'm using a habit tracker) I don't experience dysphoria mean I shouldn't even go through with TS. Wearing a bra instead of freeboobing makes me less dysphoric, too, cause less jiggling. (I don't wear a binder because it still looks like boobs from the side, is less comfy, more sweaty, and I don't want to develop scar tissue or damage my skin pre-TS.) But I also really don't like my boobs and I dress with the purpose of hiding them and can't think of a single thing I like or enjoy about them. They're kinda ugly ngl, and I don't like seeing the mounds through a shirt.

Trying on a binder for the first time was what made decide to get TS, I just couldn't believe I could look good!! I'll prolly have doubts again pre-surgery but I'm gonna keep reminding myself of these and other things and go through with it. I want to start my 40th year on this planet sans boobs, not looking in to the mirror sad and disappointed I still have the meatsacks on me! Still unclear if I want smallened nips to show through a shirt in the male way or not, though I'm 99% sure I'll go for FNG even if I'm not sure about it when the surgery comes. I have seen some very realistic medical nipple tattoos, and not having nipples poke through when I otherwise look completely female would be great because I hate them showing. (But what if having male-coded nipples poke through was awesome?). Still unsure if I REALLY want a masculinised chest, but I also keep not really liking androgynous/nb TS results. A couple of years ago, I asked myself while asleep, "what if I had pecs instead?" so bloody hell I'm just gonna do it and not let the brainworms get in my way.

Anyway, so onto the topic of T...

I've been told "you look like a boy" twice and both times it delighted me. Someone on Reddit thought I was a dude and that delighted me. Being gendered (called a daughter, sister, woman - we only have one gender neutral pronoun in my language so being gendered linguistically happens randomly instead of all the time) doesn't cause me real distress, just "oh this again :/". A few months ago, I was curious about some YT vid about T but I think I didn't dare to click it in the end... but recently I started listening to random people's experiences on getting on T, and when I learned you get actual erections and not just growth, I was like :O but it wasn't negative, it was more of an excited-surprised-wow pikachu face, not an "I definitely don't want that". I wouldn't mind my voice lowering because I've never liked my voice (it sounds much like my mom's, whose voice I don't like). Bottom growth I've been feeling ambivalent about, which is kinda weird since that's kind of a major thing lol. (Sidenote, does it not rub against your clothes??) I can't imagine having a beard, body hair I feel I'd be prolly ok with since I'm very hairless now and the male members of my family aren't super hairy either by any means, so I probably I wouldn't grow a rug on my chest lol. I've always wanted to be taller and have a lot of muscle (although I have also liked my delicate, ultra narrow wrists, mostly for kinky reasons lol). I definitely don't want to lose my hair or grow a thick neck.

I've always loved an athletic male physique and secretly always thought it was the ideal human body, but I can't tell if I want to fuck them or be them or both lmao. I used to feel envy seeing pics from athletic post-TS trans men on T, but haven't been feeling like that for a while, unknown if this means something or if I'm just used to seeing those pics after having been on Reddit for a while.

Idk why I'm even writing all this, I have no idea if I want T, and my plan is to yeet the teets and assess how I feel, so there's no point in thinking about this now. I don't even think about T that often, which I'm also habit tracking. (I think about TS every single day.) I'm 39 and have managed fine being uncomfy with the chesticles, it honestly wouldn't even be a real hardship to not tell friends and fam about being nb have them misgender forever, like it's only mildly annoying, like why must live in such a gendered world type of annoyance.

I used to really like my name, it's very pretty, but I've started to Notice it lately, which annoys me, because it's a beautiful name and I don't want things to change.

I know you can try low dosing t just to see how it feels, and idk I might try that at some point just to see how it feels and so I can stop this waffling. (Which I'm not even doing that much, it doesn't sound like it here but I genuinely do not think about T like 8 days out of 10.) Hopefully I won't like it one bit and things can go back to normal!

Anyway idk, hope you enjoyed this ramble lol thank you for reading and for any comments!

Yeah this is one of those posts lol. (It got pretty long, oops sorry.) I'm booking the consultation next month, even set up a countdown app for it, was excited in April when I was in contact with the clinic, even told my long-term pocket friends and two irl friends about my decision to have TS this year, but in May I started having constant doubts about this decision. I know it's very common, but it's still annoying because even knowing it's very common, I can't shake the doubts.

I keep thinking stuff like:
- I'm much more uncomfy when I go without a bra, which is only natural given breasts are a sexualised thing, so I don't really have dysphoria, I just need to wear bras.
- I do socialise without thinking about my chest at all (sometimes I do, sometimes I don't), therefore I don't have dysphoria. I've been tracking dysphoria with a habit tracker and it seems these days I barely have any. (I had a sudden increase in dysphoria when I first realised I was agender. I'm still a bit confused about dysphoria tbh, though that increase was unmistakeable)
- is it really worth the money. That's my savings down to 0€.
- what if I'm just plain wrong? I mean yeah ok I don't like my chest, but if having a masculinised chest is not what I want after all?
- I used to feel envy seeing someone's post-OP, "post"-T pic if they were fit, now I don't anymore, idk maybe I really was just envious of the muscle
- I did have a feminine phase when I was young, and I especially had a feminine phase after I had a breast reduction over a decade ago. I wasn't showing cleavage by any means but I even wore a very short skirt and string tops and jewellery! I even wore blingy jewellery at a friend's graduation party!! (How is this even related exactly?? lol)
- my dysphoria is very cis men related so really I should just be normal and wear a bra. The jiggling and sexualisation is why women wear bras! I could fix all of this by wearing a bra every time I go out, not just some of the time.
- it's insane to have expensive surgery with risks just to not have to wear a bra

But then I counter it with stuff like:
- I was under the impression every breast-having person is uncomfy with their chest. Turns out... this is incorrect
- even before I realised I was agender, I dressed to hide my boobs. Thinking about what I'm gonna be doing and with whom to figure out the shirt coverage I need has been automatic for years
- I'm always uncomfy pulling a seatbelt over my chest in my brother's car because it separates the breasts, which highlights them. I always adjust it so it's going across only one, perhaps also bundle my jacket in my lap in a puffy way
- taking my top off in any top-off-appropriate place, like at the doctor's or in a sauna with friends (being naked in the sauna is normal here) is so uncomfortable. Then I think, "that's normal" except a friend took off her bra in my hallway the other day no problem, she genuinely loves her boobs.
- I look and feel so much better in a binder. The first time I put it on, I was disappointed at first because I didn't look very different in my loose t-shirts, but then I tried a fairly form fitting undershirt and spent ages staring at myself in the mirror because I just couldn't believe I could actually look good. I went for a walk (outside!!!) dressed like that and I felt so good! So free, so light. I felt like that even when coming across cis men. I think that may have been gender euphoria? The reason I bought the binder is because I was wondering about a reduction vs TS, and that day I was like yeah it's TS for me. And I didn't doubt this decision until last month lmao.
- even now, about a year later, if I put on the binder I still look so much more right in the mirror (I don't wear it in daily life because it REEKS when it gets sweaty and it's impossible to not sweat in it lol.)
- I really just don't like my chest and never have. Tbf, I never got nice, "acceptable" boobs, I went straight to 85-year-old who breastfed 12 kids boobs, which was a bit unpleasant coming out of my teens, and I'm not sure I'd like them even if the breast reduction I had had produced the most aesthetically pleasing tiddies possible. I mean, I do wear clothes lol, and you can tell none of that when I'm wearing a shirt. If it was just the stretch marks and dog ears and uneveness, it'd only be a shirt-off problem, right? It would make me want to fix the aesthetic issues, not think about yeeting them entirely??
- after TS, I feel like I'd just be... neutral. Free. But ofc I can't know if that's actually true until after. But I do envy cis men their entirely thoughtless ability to move freely without having to plan first to put on an uncomfy constrictor, their thoughtless ability to just throw on a shirt and not once consider the possibility of being sexualised or anything jiggling. (Although, my closest friend always freeboobs, and she doesn't seem to have any such problems. Ofc, maybe I've just got in my own head about it instead of being normal about it like my friend and it's no reason to have surgery. And round and round we go...)
- thinking about a scenario like "what if you could take off your boobs and put them back on at will", my answer is always that I can't imagine wanting to put them back on lol
- seeing posts from MTF peeps used to throw me for a loop; I was always like, WHY would you WANT boobs?! I knew in theory ofc but seeing such posts was mind-boggling the first couple of times I saw them lol.

Ironically, I also feel like I should stop reading top surgery reddits because it's an echo chamber, ofc everyone here is going to tell me to have TS! But there is also no-one else who will understand lol.

Writing this post has actually made me feel more positive about this decision for now : ) and immediately, there is a voice in my head saying well ofc it did because I wrote so much more in the 2nd category... sigh lol.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading, sorry I'm so long-winded, and I'd love to hear from anyone who is or was in a similar boat (despite what I just wrote about an echo chamber lol)!

I have next to no self discipline when it comes to certain apps. Deleting them doesn't help because all it takes is a minute during a weak moment to reinstall them. I've downloaded many appblockers and only found a couple that don't sell your data, one of which is really robust but very expensive (like a 99€ one-time purchase), so the one I happily settled on, called Mindful, is open source and would be perfect if only it.... actually worked. Sometimes it blocks apps I haven't even opened that day, sometimes (very often) it doesn't block me at all, leading to hours wasted scrolling on Reddit.

Would you be able to recommend an appblock that

1. doesn't sell all of your bloody data
2. more affordable than 99€...
3. actually works
4. one-time purchase > subscription, but I'll take a subscription if the price is right (the years add up fast)

I don't want to get a dumbphone, smartphones have too many functions these days to part with them, nevermind that no-one texts anymore so I'd lose the group chats where plans with friends etc. are made (and many jobs use only WhatsApp, too). Halp!

Sorry this is a bit of a vent. I'm just so tired of achieving nothing. Today I was going to exercise, so instead of doing that I spent the entire day procrastinating it. My only achievement today was loading and putting on the dishwasher. Otherwise I have managed to waste the entire day again. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and there are signs of autism as well and I'm chronically fatigued and sleep is not very refreshing (have been tested for sleep apnea), but I'm still not entirely convinced that it's not just a personal moral failure.

I have had very occasional success by trying to cultivate awareness of what I'm doing (that I'm procrastinating). But I don't manage to practice awareness of my internal world nearly often enough. And it's not just the chores and exercise and such I keep procrastinating, it's even more rare that I do any of my creative hobbies. I also keep mostly not working on my personal long term creative goals. Idk, another day wasted, why am I like this. Looking on as I waste my life is not fun.

Thanks for listening to my anti-TED talk. If anyone has any magical solutions not mentioned in the bazillion hours of productivity advice I've read and listened to, I'll be all ears (well, eyes I suppose).