I broke No Contact after 2 years
Hi.
Bit of a backstory: 2 years ago after catching my ex (now 43 male) in a lie he ghosted me and after receiving hundres of calls and texts from me he blocked me (now 33 female). Blocking was normal for us and he would always expect me to find ways around it and text him on different messengers. It was a classic push & pull dynamic - threaten to break up, block, I come begging, we make up. He expected me to do the same this time but I didn't for the first time in two years (that's how long we were together for).
I never caved for two years of no contact, I held strong even though I was dying inside. I was severely depressed, stopped going out, due to constant stress I developed major health problems, for a whole year I cried every day but I never messaged him and never responded to his indirect hints, which there were many.
He would "talk" to me through his steam profile. We are both into games and we would use Steam daily to play together, so it was kind of our thing, our profiles matched etc. In his Steam bio he would write statuses like "See, it's way better without me" or "what are you doing not drawing?" (I quit doing art cuz of my depression) etc. He also kept a drawing I made for him as his Steam profile pic, my name in his username and my comments all over his wall.
Last year on my birthday (8 months after NC) he posted "happy bday" on his own steam wall and he unblocked me on the app we primarily used for talking (his birthday gift for me I guess). He obviously expected me to stalk his account. I didn't stalk his page, I saw it because you get automatically subbed to the updates of the person's wall if you commented on it before, so I got a notif. I cried, but I didn't react. He would watch all of my stories on tg too. He would stalk my online on various apps that he normally doesn't use.
Fastforward to today. It was my birthday a week ago and this time he yet again texted "happy bday" on his steam wall. I was frustrated because of all of this non direct communication and lack of closure, and I really haven't been able to fully let him go, so I decided to text him. During these 2 years of NC I have changed and grew a lot as a person, I was in therapy and I learned so much about myself and my attachment style, so I was hoping that after two years apart he would also be changed and grown and maybe we could catch up, have a mature conversation in order to get closure and not have any bad blood between us.
I decided to use telegram because that's where he would constantly watch my stories and log on every day to check my online.
So after my birthday I broke NC and said: "Hello. I saw your Steam posts. It's been a long time. If you want to talk, let me know"
And guess what? Yeah right, nothing. He happily ignored my text. He got what he wanted, the confirmation that I still think about him and want to talk to him, and he ghosted me yet again. That's probably all he wanted, to be the winner in this (he always tried to "win" in all of our arguments). He couldn't handle the fact that I didn't chase him, didn't beg or plead like I always did before, and his little ego was shattered. But the moment I sent him that message, he finally felt liberated. It's been a week since my birthday. He never logged into telegram ever again, even though he used to check it every day before my text.
So that's another lesson on this subreddit for you to not break no contact. Ever. Now I am absolutely crushed. It feels like I'm back to square one. Every day I wake up with severe anxiety and I feel nauseous. It feels like no time has passed since I left two years ago. Like all the work I have done on myself is gone. Two years of tears, beating myself up, blaming myself. Two years of hard work on my mental health and self esteem. I cry every day and I am so disappointed. I really expected that we would just have a conversation like old friends. He was my best friend. What was the point of all the indirect signs? Of talking to me through his steam? Of stalking me? He just wanted to hurt me. Now I understand that he never wanted me back and it was just all about his shattered ego. It was never about me. I feel so broken and I realise that I never mattered, he never really loved me, it was always just about himself