u/idk_YouTookAllNames

I am incapable of doing anything right

I cannot do anything right. Not a single thing. I cannot follow even the simplest instructions or agreements I make.

At work I am a laughing stock because even though I put 110% of my effort into following clear insutructions to a T, I still mess up everything I do.

And my job is no way something that ahould take months to pick up on.

In relationships and friendships I constantly let people down, because even though I fully and sincerely believe myself to be doing everything right, the opposite is always the truth.

And I can never see it on my own.

Even when I do something as menial as mopping the damn floor, I do it in a way that I wholeheartedly believe to be the best way. I check my work and I do not see any flaws with it whatsoever, until someone points them out to me, and then they are as visible as the sun.

My fucking brain is completely and utterly incapable of seeing any flaws with ANYTHING I ever do unless someone specifically points their finger at every single minute detail that other people can see at a first glance.

I keep pissing off everyone who cares about me, and keep being a liability to people who just wanna finish their work and go home.

And I do it so much that noone even believes me when I say I'm not just a lazy prick.

I just am unable to function the way someone my age should.

And admitting this makes whatever fragments of self esteem I had left crumble to dust.

Because there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to just act my age, but I simply can't.

I understand the general rules, such as no contact whatsoever when it flares up and don't ever touch the spot, but I'm very unsure as to how careful I should be in my day to day life.

I've shared many bottles in my lifetime and I've never gave anyone HSV-1 from that, but having a partner would be a completely dofferent story. I'd like to know what I should be on the lookout for, and what rules I need to stick to before it ever becomes a problem for someone else.

It's ruined every friendship and relationship I've ever had. I hate myself to the point I don't even think of myself as an actual human being anymore.

When I look in the mirror I see nothing more than a grotesque monster wearing human skin.

I tried putting it into words. Using convoluted and often times extinct terms just to vocalise it in some way.

I tried writing songs and poems, drawing pictures and even painting to describe the feeling of disdain I feel towards my mind and body.

But I cannot.

And it drives me insane far more than the reality of my self hatred does by itself.

I can understand the reason for my self hatred.

I was bullied, I was the weird kid, I was bad at socialising, fucking whatever reason there might be.

At least I could explain *why* I hate myself in the first place.

But I could never explain just how much.

And the reason why I desire the chance to do so this badly is because I just wish to bring it out of the universe where it's just an abstract concept.

I want to give it some form so that I may look at it and understand how to kill it.

I want to make it real so that I can at least know I'm not crazy.

But I always fail.

And every time I do, it feels like I stray further and further apart from the dream reality where I understand how I feel.

I hate every possible thing about myself. From the physical parts, to the tiniest possible things about how my brain thinks.

I hate all of it and as much as I wish to finally love myself a little, I just can't.

I never loved myself for a day of my life.

I never once looked in a mirror and thought of myself as anything more than "at least mediocre".

I just want to one day understand why.

Why is it that my self hatred burns so fucking deep within me that it cannot even exist as a sentence.

And the longer it festers in me, the more I wish even more pain to myself for being so weak and pathetic.

I remember it had female vocals, a direction in the title, although I completely forgot which one, and that it was quite popular. It might have been a remix of an already existing song, but I'm not sure. Another thing I *believe* but am not certain of is that it was around 4 minutes long or more. It was definitely more on the melodic side of dubstep too.

Help is really apreciated.