u/idkijustball

hi, together for over 1 year.

i want to know if the following behaviour is acceptable... whenever i start having a meltdown because i get triggered by him misunderstanding me, talking over me, acting cold or distant or not directly communicating his needs and confusing me, he starts sighing, acting annoyed, threatening to break up, saying stuff like "idk what to do for you" "nothing i do will ever make you happy" "just break up with me if you think im so rude" and is defensive. also, whenever i try to communicate my emotions to him, i say it like this: "i am sad because earlier it looked like you didnt xyz" or "just a heads up, this is about my feelings not the reality, but earlier when you did that it looked like you were doing xyz and it made me really sad" and he instantly gets cold, shuts down, gets upset.

then he tells me im accusing him, and no matter how many times i say "im not, sorry if it came off like that. its one of the only ways i can explain my lived experience" he gets mad and just repeats "idk what you want me to do for you. you're draining" but it wouldnt get to this point if he just... helped a bit? i try to distance myself when i feel a meltdown coming but i know if i leave this will never be brought up again or there's a chance he will threaten to break up because he says he cant handle me anymore and im always making it about myself and never seeing how he treats me right.

everyone says he's treating me bad and i should leave him but outside of these conflicts he's super sweet, loves me, understanding, he cares about me... but as soon as its about him, forget about that. when i have a meltdown about other things, he's super understanding, almost like my savior, he helps with relief, he allows me to take time alone. i gave teachings, shared links to forums, reddit threads, videos, guides, tried to break it down for him so he could learn and understand... but he doesnt improve and says it's hard for him to regulate or remember in the moment and he blames his 2-year weed addiction for his severe impaired memory and says nothing will fix it and cant just set reminders or read on things because "its just now how he is".

i just need to know if anyone else's partners do this and does that mean he just isnt the one for me? will he ever learn? one minute of the day hes saying how perfect i am, how excited he is to see me, how beautiful i am and he loves listening to me infodump... but the minute i start crying because of something he did that made me feel sad, he gets like this. he sounds mad, raises his voice, gets annoyed. he says he goes quiet because he doesnt know what to say and i understand that but everything else is just hurting me. also his mom just tells me "its his first relationship, he doesnt have the tools to do this" and i try to remain understanding but when i tell him i need time alone because im crying or feel anxious (in order to not annoy him into that state) he gets suspicious and tries to nuke the relationship. hes so kind and loving otherwise, but when its about him he gets cruel. we also have ADHD btw.

Hi, my boyfriend 19M and me 21F have been having repetitive loops of arguments because I bring up an issue gently and he gets frustrated fast and doesn't give me softness or reassurance and gets defensive all the time. He also nukes the relationship if he gets too overwhelmed which is exhausting to deal with. He's always saying he's sorry and he'll change and he hates himself for being conflict avoidant. We've been together just shy from 1 year but this has been a problem the longer we stayed together. I'd say around the 8 month mark.

I'm just wondering... at what point does emotional unavailability become a deal breaker? I want to give him some patience because I'm his first relationship and he comes from a difficult background with a neglectful mother so he may just have zero tools to help him get that skill. But even if I help him and offer advice and a safe space, he acknowledges it in the moment but as soon as his emotions take over he completely forgets all advice and raises hell and leaves a path of destruction and I'm left feeling very abandoned. Apparently me saying it hurts doesn't change much.

I thought I had anxiety problems with constant reassurance seeking but even after therapy it seems his lack of emotional presence when it's his fault (otherwise if not his fault he's very emotionally available) is causing me problems. It causes very exhausting fights.

Thank you for advice.