u/inspectorfucknugget

G’day everyone!

This is going to sound silly as fuck to the majority of you, I’m sure, but humour me; I’m mentally ill and traumatised.

I’ve been drawn to Hermes for a long while, now. I once even asked him—and a small number of other deities—for help with something major in my life about a year ago or so, and either he and the other gods delivered, or I just got really lucky outside of divine intervention. Honestly I’m 100% an atheist, I’m not very good at having an open mind to all of this stuff, but I try because I’m drawn to this path for whatever reason. Maybe I just don’t want to be alone, since the life I live offers little for me in the way of connection (disability, mental health, and so on).

Where things get tricky is that, for reasons I cannot pinpoint exactly, I feel like Hermes wouldn’t like me. We have a deal in common, like stealing from our siblings and feigning innocence (I used to bribe my sibling with the shit I stole from them — “Hey, I’ll give this thing I stole from you back, but only if you do this with me”, lmfao), superficial shit like me being a Wednesday kiddo born in the year of the snake, growing up a thief, never being one capable of being stuffed in boxes or following the rules too much, and even generally being the court jester of my family. I thought we might get along quite well, but I have this stupid feeling deep down that he really would not like me very much.

Anyone have any advice for how I can get around this feeling? Thanks!

I’m a professional dumbass, have been for upwards of two decades. At this point if the people and gods around me are not aware of it, well. They will be.

I’ve been on this path casually, on and off, for about 5 years. Recently I have found myself in an especially turbulent tempest going through a constant cycle of “the gods aren’t real, I’m alone, everyone hates me, I deserve nothing” and “Oh shit, I see it now. This makes sense. I think Loki is actually there and I’m just scared to admit it.” Rinse and mother fucking repeat.

Been wracking my head over it for weeks and realised that my connection with Loki triggered trauma I haven’t faced in 6 years; oh, the fear of being loved…and the fear of the possibility of it. Evidently, this is something that needs to be confronted and tackled. A big part of this has been that I keep forgetting what I have learned and lapsing into bad habits of forgetting the positives and focusing only on the absence and negatives. Possibly intentional, possibly early onset dementia. Who knows (I jest—this has been a pattern with me since the dawn of my time, and another one I need to break).

I deleted all of my notes on the subject (tarot readings, my thought process, figuring things out) just last night during a Bad Brain Moment, and only managed to recover a small few that detailed what I’ve learned in recent months. Gotta love impulsive decisions fuelled by negative emotions.

All this is to say, I think this is my “Going Through It, Helping Hand” moment. So, what’s it for you? Past, present, throw ‘em out so I can read them. It’s good to know you’re not alone in experiences that feel or seem negative. Reading through the post history here helped me realise a lot of this, actually. Someone in particular here dealt with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and their post resonated with me a lot; it was entirely responsible for my realisation today. So, thank you to that person, and I sincerely hope you’re doing better now.

I’ve been on this “path” on and off for 6 years, now, but I’ve never been a believer. I actually still consider myself an atheist, personally. Anyway, Loki was the first deity I ever reached out to, and I remember vividly a strong presence the first night I introduced myself; it felt like anticipation, like someone was sneaking up behind me to scare me as a prank. It faded after a few minutes, and it was a little disconcerting, but cool as fuck. I’ve only felt such an intense presence two other times, both seemingly only when it was “necessary”. I often wonder if that was real.. I’m inclined to think so only because no matter how hard I try to replicate the feeling, no dice (legit tried to force imaginary friends to exist for me as a kid because I was so lonely, but I couldn’t do it and still can’t, so all to say: it seems I can’t create the feeling of a presence).

I dropped everything for about a year or so in 2024, I think, and only recently got back into this because I felt alone and wanted to rekindle my connection with Loki and Hermes. It feels different now for sure, which I’ll go into a bit in a second.

I have gotten a few readings (one by someone else, the rest by me) recently that all say basically the same thing: You have to let go of what you think you know. Be more open-minded and accept that reality may not be as you know it to be. Now is the time to make a decision, trust your inner vision, don’t let others change your mind. Take swift action, don’t second guess yourself. “You know exactly what needs to be done, however emotionally you are not ready to acknowledge the truth.” (Quoted one is the card’s actual description, and uh, ouch, dead on).

I’ve gotten feelings especially recently that Loki is being tough-love on me. They won’t reassure me when I ask, though it felt like they used to readily try to show they were there for me, often with spiders (to be fair, I live in a country known for their prevalence, so I can’t say it was 100% Loki). I get the sense it’s because “You already know the answer, so stop asking. I’m not going to tell you what you already know but refuse to admit.” The problem with that, is I am fucken traumatised (cptsd), so tough love often makes things painful for me and I feel like I am just being told to deal with it on my own — which I always have had to do! So it sucks ass. I have told them this. I have talked to them about my feelings. It doesn’t change.

Don’t get me wrong, I can see where they may be coming from and why I may need to do this and stop seeking reassurance—especially because much of it comes from not trusting myself, but it is hard. I think the lack of anything is also because I can’t accept that they may be here with me; I can’t fathom why they would be. I’ve been an atheist since I was a kid, despite being raised a jehovah’s witness, I just never believed, I was only told what to believe and ran with it assuming the adults were right. It’s really hard for me to look at some of the things people claim to experience and take it as reality. It seems incredibly unreal.

That’s why I want to learn how to be more open-minded. How do I know we aren’t just .. mentally ill? (I mean, we all for sure are, look at the god we are drawn to, he supposedly collects folks like us—but I mean it in the sense that these experiences are all just in our heads, lmao). I don’t know how to accept it. I’m trying to take it like I did when it came to self-forgiveness. It’s a choice I have to make every single time my past pops up, and I am assuming that this will be similar.

Any advice is appreciated. I’m sorry for the wall of text and terrible writing, am sleep fucked.

I was listening to this song today, and thought of all of you here--and Loki, of course. I've edited out repetitive lyrics for the sake of shortening it, and uh. Forgive the formatting...This was posted from my computer and I'm not 100% how this is gonna look:

You think we’re different, you think we never feel the way you do

We’ve got scars to prove it, too

Nothing but human fuelled by emotions that we thought we knew, but really had no clue

Pressure, it’s not the end of the world! Think where you started from to where you’re standing now

Failure, it’s not the end of the world! The best of us rise from the fall

This is the end, this is the end, you’re not alone in this my friend

Soak in the weakness, see if those colours feel right for you

Your best black and blue

Embrace the darkness

The light is there, so don’t give in to fear, you’ll make it through

Feed the fire, just feed the fire in you.

Burn away the fear, let your heart take over.

— FEED THE FIRE, by COLDRAIN.

Much love to everyone. Keep burning bright, and when it feels like you are alone in this world, look for the light around you. It is always there <3

I’ve told them several times now that they can’t help me, they know it and I know it. But still they seem to persist. Spiders pop up, or strange coincidences that seem a little too coincidental. They seem to be there in my tarot readings.

I’m genuinely so scared when I think about letting them in. I don’t believe they love me, I can’t, but still the possibility that they might frightens me. As someone with CPTSD, being loved is like having been freezing cold my entire life and then suddenly being submerged in warm water; it hurts. I pull away from it.

Why does Loki persist no matter how many times I tell them I will ruin this, that I can’t be helped? I have ruined every connection I have ever had because of my trauma. I cannot be loved, it hurts too much. I know I will only piss Loki off in the end because of my issues, and they will leave anyway. I struggle even to talk to them about my troubles because I feel bad for needing to. I’d rather rip the bandaid off now, y’know? I’d rathe they leave before I get hurt.

I love them but if they love me, I can’t even think of why they would! I can’t/don’t benefit them in any way. What is the point for them? I just don’t get it.

“L’ha mancato per un cazzo di mosca.”

He apparently used to say this when playing darts with my Dad, if he missed the mark by a small margin. My Dad translates it as “missed it by a fly’s dick / missed it by the dick of a fly”. When I told someone else about it, they said the actual translation is much funnier than how my Dad translated it, but didn’t elaborate, so I’m curious to hear how others translate it.

My Dad is from Campobasso, if that helps in terms of dialect differences (which he said his is different). I’m Italian myself, but was not raised speaking the language, so I’m learning it now. This was one of the first phrases I learned, lmao. Y’know, the important stuff.

Edit: Thank you everyone for the answers! I am glad to know it was indeed correct and I wasn’t missing anything. I’m even happier to know I have given some a new phrase to use, haha.

I got into polytheism about 6 years ago when I found out Loki was a literal god people worshipped and connected with. I was always obsessed with him in Marvel media, and then got obsessed with the god himself and tried to reach out to him. I thought I had experiences (through tarot, highly coincidental “signs”, or even just feelings I got when talking to him), but I’ve realised for sure now that it was never real and it’s all bullshit. Funny how no divine being ever shows when you’re in desperate need, isn’t it?

I’m in a bad fucken place right now (have been for a long while), so it’s not the ideal time to have come to this realisation. Does anyone have any kind words? Any advice to accepting that what I experienced was never real, etc? It sucks to know that something that once brought me some speck of comfort was never real and just made up in my head. I have no support system, no friends, and I’m stuck in a christian household as a disabled queer person (so basically the most ideal situation I could find myself in..). I’m on my own in this shit because therapy is unaffordable and my mental illnesses have ruined my friendships.

If anyone read this, then thank you. Double thank you if you leave a comment (I may not respond, but I promise I’ll have read it).

I first attempted to connect with Loki around 5 years ago. To begin with, I think he was around a lot, but I pushed him away frequently, scared it wasn’t real. Over the years, I’ve started and dropped this path many times, never able to commit, because I feel like atheism is the only path for me (I just cannot bring myself to believe in gods, not truly).

I tried to reconnect with all of this recently, because no matter how many times I leave, I always come back. But it’s hard for me, I feel alone. I have asked Loki a number of times for signs since starting back up, but he has not indulged me. I think he might be done with me, maybe, like I fucked up and he has decided I’m a lost cause, maybe, because I just keep starting and stopping over and over, unable to commit.

A while ago, I lit a candle and said, “If this path really is meant for me, I know you’ll find a way to let me know.” Later that night, when I went to do some self-care (which I listen to music while doing), the song Keep by Mother Mother tried to play 3 times in a row, then later again when listening to music Making Your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz played, and the lyrics “Trust your inner vision, don’t let others change your mind.” As well as “Soon you will find that there comes a time for making your mind up.” Really stood out to me. Later again, I saw a big spider in the kitchen. I was extremely hesitant to take any of it as a sign, though. Prior to that, no matter how much I asked, “can you please just let me know that you’re there? Maybe send me a spider.” I got nothing. So it’s hard to know if I can take the shit that came once I decided I couldn’t continue this path anymore.

I did a reading recently that also suggested I needed to make my mind up about this path, to release something. It felt almost ominous, like.. What happens if I don’t make my mind up? Lmao. A reading I did shortly after also suggested Loki may be looking out for me and cares about me, it was a card depicting motherly love and protection, but I can’t bring myself to believe or trust it, especially because he seemed to refuse to reaffirm it as real when I asked (can you drop out x card to confirm this is actually you?). He only reaffirmed it for the reading prior, near as I could tell. That reading was clearing up a misunderstanding, and telling me I needed to release something.

I struggle with this all so much. I love Loki, I don’t want to lose them from my life, but I want to know that she is there and that she cares about me, but it feels like she has majorly stepped the fuck back, and it might be my fault, because I can’t believe or trust, or because my mental health is so bad. I want to believe there is good reason for it, like “hey, maybe stop asking for reassurance because it never helps you.” Maybe. I’ve been leaving him some of my dotty cookies recently, and talking to him, but I don’t feel like it closes the gap.

I want to believe this is real, but I am struggling. I hope all of this makes sense, I am sorry if it doesn’t. I’m 99% sure I struggle with some sort of emotional impermanence (I believe this is the term), wherein I forget feelings or things if I’m not actively experiencing them. Even when I write it down, I forget to check it back—and if I remember to, I think “but I can’t prove this was ever real.” Fuck living in my head sucks. Sorry for the long post.

I cannot for the life of me recall where I read this, but I have still seen it repeated a number of times: do not limit your relationships to those you have with the gods.

I recently read someone’s experience that Loki stepped back from them because they leaned on him too much, and I fear that I would wind up in the same spot. I have no friends, and my support system consists of people I do not feel truly safe with. They are not people I can tell just anything to. I have desperately needed support for years after some seriously emotionally traumatic shit (caused by those people, mind), and despite trying, therapy has not worked for me, and I can’t afford the Premium Tier™ where I might get the care actually catered to my needs, instead of dumbasses who were clearly pulled off the street and asked if they wanted a quick buck to give piss poor advice.

It’s not like I’d forsake human connections altogether, I still want them, but I have nobody right now, and I am disabled with a myriad of reasons why I can’t “just go out and make some friends”. I feel safe with virtually no one, but I am afraid Loki will put distance (or has already, by the feels) because I told him “please don’t mind me if I lean on you too much, I literally have nobody right now.” I somehow managed to trust them with so much of myself, so I’d hate to lose this because I’m a traumatised forest troll.

Is this—connection with Loki—maybe just something I need to step back from, until I’m better? (Which genuinely may never happen, therapy is just so fucking inaccessible it isn’t funny).

Get the fuck out of my face with this bullshit slogan. Maybe for you it’s a temporary problem, but for some of us it is fucking permanent. I will never be free of this; my depression, my anxiety, my cptsd. Sure, if the stars aligned perfectly and I was suddenly extremely rich, I may be able to finally afford a therapist who isn’t shit and doesn’t make my problems worse, and maybe even helps me learn to manage things! But this shit doesn’t just go away. This isn’t temporary, I can only learn to fucking manage it, IF, BIG FUCKING IF, I ever get the chance to FUCKING GET HELP.

I have lived with this shit my whole life. Don’t fucking insult me by suggesting that ending my life would not solve my fucking problems. The fuck it wouldn’t.

(This is a vent. I am in a horrible head space right now and I have zero support. I am safe, I won’t do anything. I honestly just need a fucking hug).

I did try searching the sub, but I didn’t find anything besides a year old comment that one was being made, and there is nothing I can see in the menu/side bar (unless I missed it). Even if there is one for all the Hellenic gods, that’d be neat!

The fighting in every corner of the world. The global, gradual loss of privacy under the guise of protection. The systems in place which harm and isolate so many of us, whichever corner of the world we are in. The difficulty connecting with others when you are so different either from birth or circumstance. The autumn warming up more and more with every passing year. The rise of apathy and lack of empathy. The epidemic of loneliness among so many of us, because most of us are so burnt out that we no longer have the capacity for others, even if we desire closeness. The inability for most of us to access mental health care, because it's too expensive. The rise in homelessness because it's impossible to own a home now, unless you're wealthy. Seeing suffering everywhere, and being completely unable to stop it.

I was already a sensitive kid to begin with, and CPTSD has only made my sensitivity worse. I get overwhelmed so easily, and it turns dark so quickly. I'm so tired, I don't want to do this anymore. Please. I'm so tired of being alone and having no support. I'm tired of feeling like a burden for needing support so often. I'm tired of not being able to sustain friendships because everyone feels like a threat or drains me or expects too much from me. I'm tired of not being able to maintain. I'm tired of wanting to do so many things but not having the will or motivation to.

I've been trying to cope by telling myself nothing fucking matters because we all die anyway--it doesn't matter that my friends kept ghosting me, it doesn't matter that I've lost all of said friends because I'm so fucked in the head, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it does not fucking matter--but I know it is going to make me bitter.