u/italkaliltoomuch

does anybody have any good songs about moving on? they can have a happy vibe or a sad vibe but i want the lyrics to be mostly positive.

my situation is kind of specific and if anyone gaf i posted abt it and it’s my first post (i only have 3 😭)

but anyways, i like every genre so pls tell me whatever you think of !!

okay hi this might be kind of long so i’m sorry. and i rlly hope nothing i say is insensitive at all. anyways, a little info: im afab but i currently feel aligned most with the labels bigender and even genderfluid but a part of me always wonders if it’s not right. and i just feel like i cant rest until an outside source gives me their opinion (especially if they’ve experienced smth similar). and ik blah blah abt how only i <— can know exactly how i feel, but i just want advice. nothing anyone says will phase me bc im pretty self aware but i just want some external help.

i mean as a kid, i dont think i can rlly point out many times where i felt like a i was a boy- however, there were a few.

for some reason when i was like 5-9, i had this fascination with pregnancy and stuff. and i vividly remember one day i was sitting at the computer and i thought “i wish that i could do that”? now that does sound kind of weird and creepy but thats not rlly the point. it was like a “oh that’s cool that women can do that but i wish i was able to do that too!” like i was jealous that they could get pregnant and was kind of upset that men couldn’t be???

and as i got older and i replayed the memory, i saw it in a way as like “hah i was saying i wanted to get girls pregnant” and i meant it in like a gay way. until i rlly thought abt it and i was like pause… i didnt view myself as a girl in the first place and thats why i was upset i wouldnt get to experience it. and i remember telling myself “wait i am a girl! so i AM the one who gets pregnant” but i remember feeling weirdly disappointed and uncomfortable with the fact. its almost like i was jealous of women as if i wasn’t one myself.

and also i feel like some gay experiences and trans experiences may overlap like when i would play as male characters sometimes in games so that i could date girls. but is it like.. was i playing the male character to date women without looking weird? or was i playing as a male character bc i aligned myself w being a man even inside a game..?

and then as a got older, i remember crying at the thought of how ill never be a teenage boy and ill never be a frat boy or a male hockey player or a boy who was born as one. and i’d cry abt it. and one time when i was like 13-14, my dad made a joke abt how i was just like a son, and how he basically had a boy bc he had me. and he was saying how my humor was one that a boy would have and that i acted like one. my mom ofc was upset he was saying all that but i remember feeling so like… idk happy? but also uncomfortable bc i was like “okay what’s happening, why do i feel this like heavy weight in my chest at the thought of me as a boy”.

i wear makeup and stuff but my hair is short and i usually like when it’s shorter like above my shoulders in a bixie. i also rlly don’t like my boobs which is like annoying bc they’re triple d’s but they used to be a’s at one point so now it’s upsetting me bc it’s like… j dont want them anymore?

and it all sucks bc i think abt that one person that said “if you were born a man, do you still think you’d be genderfluid” and the moment i knew the answer was “no” i just never moved on from it.

but here’s the thing.. idk if i would be able to give up being a girl jst because im so familiar with being one and i think i would always be upset that i wasn’t born as a boy. and that’s NOT me saying that trans men aren’t real men or as much as a man as cis men. not at all. and i don’t view anyone else but myself like that. it’s just like, i will never be a man even if i wanted to.

and sometimes im fine w that and other times i wanna break down abt it. idk im kind of confused and ANY advice would be helpful.. sorry for the super long rant!