u/its_me_again_7

My mom recently has gone to therapy and the therapist says she has some codependency issues and she’s having her read a book on it.

I also think I’m codependent. My last two relationships were very intimate but lacked freedom and trust. I feel like I trusted them but they did not trust me and were very easily jealous. I tried to give them as much reassurance as possible but to no avail. I seem to “pick” these types of relationships.

I think I’m codependent in friendships especially. If my friend feels emotional about something, I sometimes feel like they’re trying to “dump” it all on me and I become very distrustful of their intentions even though they are close friends of mine. One of them I’ve been friends with for over 10 years! I even notice this with my coworker. I can tell when she’s triggered or anxious and then I start to feel the same and it’s difficult to regulate if I don’t step away and take the time to ground myself.

I’ve recently learned that if I allow others to be themselves instead of constantly criticizing them in my head or trying to change them, that I’ll accept a part of myself. And whenever I accept “ugly” parts of myself, I’ll be able to accept the same in others. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind and it has been helping a lot with regulating my emotions.

Any advice? I’m not even sure if this is codependency. I also have dismissive ADHD. Any clarity would help. Thank you!

I (30F) was in a relationship with a man (30M) that I met on a Hinge for a little over 8 months. He was very sweet at first. All of his coworkers told me how nice of a guy he was. We made things official after a few dates and saw each other everyday because he lived around the corner.

He pushed for me to go on birth control a few months into the relationship. I tried it and it had adverse effects mentally and physically so I had to stop. He kept pushing me to go back on it. One time I didn’t have my contacts on and we were having sex and he came inside of me. I thought he was faking it like when he wears a condom but this time it was for real. That’s the first time my trust in him was fractured.

He quit porn as one of his New Year’s resolutions and it was taking a toll on him. I asked him if he had anxiety and depression which I just assumed but he never explicitly told me. He said he did and I comforted him and asked him if there’s anything I can do on my end and he said no. Then a few minutes later he said, “You know what, there is something you can do. You can go on birth control and Ozempic.” I suspected he wanted me on Ozempic because he kept bringing up my boss who was on it, so I confronted him then and he assured me he didn’t want me on it. He later said my suspicion was correct.

I asked him if he sees a future with me and he paused and looked into the distance to think and I started reevaluating the entire relationship. He talked to me multiple times about our future in the past. I told him my image of him was shattered and that I have to choose myself first now and he looked shocked. He said, “I don’t think we need to break up or do anything crazy here.”

I then went the other direction because I really saw a future with him and said, “I guess there will be more fights that are worse than this in store in our future. We can work through this.” And I saw him smirk while I said this and was immediately repulsed. I told him I needed to take a shower because I was overwhelmed. I came out and tidied up my place and said he was sorry but I couldn’t stand to be around him so I told him I needed some space.

The next day rolls around and I talk to my friend and they basically tell me I should break up with him and I felt relieved because I was too afraid to say it myself. I packed up all of this stuff so I wouldn’t change my mind because my intuition told me this was going to suck so bad but I needed to cut it off.

I broke up with him and he says oddly generic things that don’t seem genuine, like “You’re too good for me.” “Goodbye forever, Megan.” He said that he “really liked me” even though he used to say he loved me all the time.

Anyways, I miss him but I know I can’t go back. I think this was an avoidant discard but l’m honestly not too sure. All of my friends and family are still shocked. I am working on loving myself more and healing. Any honest advice is welcome. Was it the right choice to break things off?

I dated a man from Hinge and it turned out he lived around the corner from me in Brooklyn. He was very sweet at first. All of his coworkers told me how nice of a guy he was. He also told me that he blocked two girls he was dating after he met me and that he wanted to be exclusive, which was flattering but am now realizing that was a red flag. We made things official after a few dates and saw each other everyday and he slept over every night.

He starts joking around that sometimes he feels like a sociopath. I told him to stop saying that because it was freaking me out. He also discloses every interaction he had with a woman and I told him I’d rather not know and I trust him to draw boundaries. I think he might’ve been disappointed that I didn’t make a scene at his work or whatever.

Anyway, we go on a trip to Japan together after 4 months of knowing each other which is a little crazy but it was honestly pretty fun but it felt like he was trying to fix the memories he had with his ex when they traveled there.

The relationship was quite lustful. I’m a fairly sexual person so I was having fun but he used this particular voice every time he would role play and I started noticing he used it on my friend and a waitress. I confronted him both times and he assured me it wasn’t his intention but I already knew.

He pushed for me to go on birth control a few months into the relationship. I tried it and it was damaging emotionally and physically so I stopped. He kept bringing up how awesome it was to finish in me after I was off of it and when the next time he would be able to do that. One time I didn’t have my contacts on and we were having sex and he came inside of me. I thought he was faking it like we usually do when he wears a condom but this time it was for real and when I realized I was in utter shock. That’s the first time my trust in him was fractured. He profusely apologized and somehow I ended up feeling bad for him because he felt so bad.

We went to spend time with our respective families over the holidays and I didn’t really hear from him much, which made me sad but I decided to give him some space and focus on my family and friends.

We are back in NY and we’re hanging out per usual but he’s doing things for me but is not connecting with me emotionally at all. I tell him this and he doesn’t really provide any reassurance. I just see this as his personality. Constantly pondering things but not really letting me in on everything. Over the next week he starts telling me I don’t need to finish food when we go out, correcting my posture, etc. He says he wants to see me angry. I’m not the type to raise my voice. He also told my mom a few months back that he could tell her what kind of person he is, but she’ll just find out eventually.

He quit porn as one of his New Year’s resolutions and I think it was taking a toll on him. He was very depressed and I asked him if he had anxiety and depression which I just assumed but he never explicitly told me. He said he did and I comforted him and asked him if there’s anything I can do on my end and he said no. Then a few minutes later he said, “You know what, there is something you can do. You can go on birth control and Ozempic.” The Ozempic comment was a huge betrayal because I asked him a few months ago if he wanted me to go on it because he kept bringing up my boss who was on it. He assured me he didn’t. I also stupidly told him the answer to a ChatGPT prompt about my personality and they said that I do not stand for disrespect especially when it involves my appearance. I remember he was thinking a lot when I was reading those off to him and not really saying much.

I asked him if he even sees a future with me and he paused and put a hand to his chin and looked into the distance to “think” and I immediately withdrew my hand from his and started reevaluating the entire relationship. I told him I might take the housing lottery opportunity and move to Queens because he was the only reason really holding me back from taking it. I said some distance might actually be healthier for us. He begged me to stay in the current apartment. I told him my image of him was shattered and that I have to choose myself first now and he looked shocked. He said, “Woah, I don’t think we need to break up or do anything crazy here.” But I then went the other direction because I really saw a future with him and said, “I guess there will be more fights that are worse than this in store in our future. We can work through this.” And I saw him smirk while I said this and was immediately repulsed. I told him I needed to take a shower because I was so overwhelmed by what just happened. I came out and he took out the garbage and tidied up my place and he held my hands and said he was sorry but I couldn’t stand to be around him so I told him I needed some space tonight. I told him I’ll reach out to him when I’m ready to talk.

The next day rolls around and I talk to my friend and they basically tell me I should break up with him and I feel a sense of relief because I knew that’s what I needed to do. I packed up all of this stuff so I wouldn’t change my mind because my intuition told me this was going to suck so bad but I needed to cut this off. The relationship was emotionally distant even though he helped me with physical stuff and did thoughtful things for me. I would thank him for doing these things and he would say he needed to keep me happy so I wouldn’t break up with him.

So I break up with him. He doesn’t seem to believe me and says I can let him know when I need to pick up my stuff from his place in a blasé tone as if he thinks I’m just overreacting and I’ll take it back immediately. I say I’m good and his face looks shocked again. He says oddly generic things that don’t seem genuine, like “You’re too good for me.” “Saying that was the stupidest mistake I’ve ever made.” When I ask him if he lost attraction to me he paused and went “no” in that casual tone again like I asked him if he wanted to order food from a random restaurant. He would say, “Goodbye forever, Megan” which was so weird to me because he never called me by my name. He said that he “really liked me” even though he used to say he loved me all the time.

Anyways, I still miss him very much but I know I can’t go back. Also he told a mutual friend that his dad had a substance abuse problem and he never told me, and essentially said that he could no longer uphold the mask. We dated a little over 8 months and I ended it a week before my 30th in January. I think this was an avoidant discard but let me know your thoughts. All of my friends and family are still shocked. I now know to exercise my discernment and to work on loving myself more.