u/itsbitterbitch

I've been in a bit of a reading slump for a long while. I have a lot of mental health issues and just recently got medicated for my out of control ADHD. I'd really like to retrain my brain to be able to read (I used to read 52 books a year in spite of all my issues).

I think part of the problem is that I keep trying to tackle these behemoth novels when the truth is I haven't finished anything in months. I'm open on genre and content (I like dark and gory stuff too). The thing is I don't want to sound pretentious but I'm just picky on prose. I usually go for literary novels but I'm open to fiction or nonfiction - anything but self-help books.

Edit to add: by short here I mean approximately less than 200 pages

I ended up drinking too much since my last posts here, almost got DUIed but rolled out of that shit like the gifted roach I am. Now I'm sober. Fully sober. Not a drop in two weeks and ideky because I'm in so much pain and I ended up almost 5150ed at some abusive nut house again (the guy was literally writing the paperwork but I thankfully rolled out of that this time too). I'm in touch with some crisis people and MAT program people who aren't totally evil or the worst. But I'm still just in pain with no escape. Holding on like a pathetic looney deluded enough to think I can actually get some help for once.

It's my second time today having a flare due to something I ate which I can't for the life of me figure out what it was but it happens so often idek why I avoid my trigger foods at all. Bloating so bad it's killing my back and making me look pregnant, nausea, flushing, brain fog and a new symptom of a tight, itchy throat. It's not like I can't breathe but it's fucking irritating.

My body tolerated the booze just fine, especially clear liquors. Idk what it was or if it was just fully a placebo because I knew pain relief was coming and hell I loved to drink but some Tito's soothed this type of shit right up. There was some hope I clung to that with a couple weeks away from the stuff my overall inflammation would go down and though I never reacted to the alcohol my other reactions would go down. Nope. No change - it is perhaps worse because I have nothing to distract me from it so the pain is more acute and my anxiety is impossible to ignore.

Idk this is probably just a bitch and moan or I might drive on over to the liquor store and get wasted at the park (cause my husband's so over it).

Thanks for participating in my piss and moan

The severity: people, even here on this sub, think this disorder just makes you cranky and angsty. Maybe it does for them. For me, I get intensely suicidal and self-destructive. In my teenage years I was locked up every single month for a suicide attempt or other such "high risk" behavior. I very, very narrowly avoided a hold yesterday (and at 30 fucking years old!) and that's because I've just finally fucking snapped. I relapsed on alcohol in the height of luteal, drove (yes, that is awful and don't do it), intentionally tried to get arrested, and banged my head against the tile floor until I was severely bruised (I looked like a beaten wife, though my husband was the one trying to get me to stop). I'm tired of this being simultaneously written off and then suddenly being taken so seriously that they want to lock me up and forcibly sedate me!

The fucking dismissiveness: I drove 4 hours to see the last gyn who was supposed to shut this system down - chemical menopause or oophorectomy. She had such obvious disdain, clearly writing me off as a nutcase. She scolded me for not trying enough different birth controls even as I explained to her the last bc I tried that wasn't ocella (which is what I'm currently on and helps a tiny bit) made me homicidal. As in, I didn't trust myself to get behind the wheel of a car because I was so homicidally angry. She didn't care. Just scolded me and said things that were extreme insults to my intelligence, such as "well, if you're on birth control you don't actually have those cycles, so if you still have symptoms on birth control there's no evidence you have pmdd" Someone please validate, that is so stupid and incorrect. That might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. But she said it. And I don't even think she believed it, she just wanted me to shut up and go away. She clearly had no idea what PMDD was until I explained it to her.

I'm trying AGAIN to reach out in the medical field for someone who gives a fuck enough to help but I feel like an idiot.

I feel like my only option is to very coolly and rationally kill myself because doing it when I'm in the psychotic hold of pmdd will just be sloppy and get me locked up. This isn't a threat, I'm just saying that actually would be my best option, the only way I'll ever get any peace, and I'm just a moron for being alive.

I've said the same thing from childhood to now. I always knew I was off and people despised me to my core.

I'm just tired at this point. I won't kill myself because I hate people more. And the thing is I don't even hate people interpersonally. I'm, if anything, and despite my own best judgment, problematically helpful and kind. But I know everyone prefers me violently abused. No one knows me because I just don't want to deal with them abusing me (seriously I'm hardly even scared at this point I'm just fucking exhausted)

Since most of my abuse was psych abuse it's pretty easy to witness how you'd all prefer me in a sanitarium (cleansed is the true meaning).

I get up every fucking day. I do my best. You all want me dead because I'm weird and inconvenient. All I have is this conviction and spite. Because I'm better than you. I don't want you to die even though you want me tortured.