u/itxsimply_b

Real, honest advice and opinions only, please!

I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for nearly five years. We’re long-distance and have always talked about closing the gap.

This year, we agreed to save towards our plans and goals. Recently, I suggested we have a check-in to make sure we were both saving and still on track.

That’s when he opened up and told me he hadn’t actually been saving. Instead, some of the money we’d agreed would go towards important things — like getting a place together and visa costs — had gone towards wants rather than needs, such as gaming, material things and trying to get into trading. He’s not the best at budgeting or planning, and I sometimes support him financially.

I’m genuinely supportive of his aspirations. I don’t want him to give up his goals for me. But at the same time, I feel blindsided and somewhat pushed to the sidelines.

I’m at a point where I feel ready to settle down and start building with a partner. He seems like he’s still figuring himself out…

What confuses me even more is that he constantly tells me how tired he is of working and he’s “getting old.” I keep saying that this is exactly why we need to make the most of our time now and actively work towards the future we say we want. But I don’t feel like his actions reflect that.

Do my words mean much to him if there’s no action behind them? How long am I supposed to keep encouraging or pushing someone towards a future that they may not actually be ready to commit to?

I feel like I haven’t received the same level of effort that I’ve put into this relationship. It’s starting to feel massively one-sided, to the point where I sometimes don’t even feel comfortable reaching out or talking about my own needs and wants.

How would you communicate this to your partner?

I need outside opinions because I genuinely can’t tell if I’m overthinking this friendship situation or if my feelings are valid.

Me and my friend go on holiday together every year and it’s usually been really nice. We normally use it as a chance to catch up, explore another country, do activities, relax etc. But this most recent trip felt completely different.

Before the holiday, we both talked about doing activities and exploring, so I spent time trying to put together ideas and plans. But every time I suggested things, her replies felt cold or uninterested and we never actually ended up doing much. Instead, she mostly wanted to drink and go out every night.

I recently got diagnosed with adenomyosis and endometriosis, so I’ve become a lot more mindful about my health, energy levels and drinking especially with the daily medication I’m on. I tried explaining that to her, but honestly I felt like she brushed past it. At one point she made a comment like “I think we haven’t drank at all and we’re at an all inclusive” and it made me feel like she was annoyed and a bit resentful.

I also wonder if part of this change is because she broke up with her boyfriend within the last year. When they were together, he was usually the person she’d go out partying and drinking with at events, so maybe now she’s leaning more heavily into that lifestyle again and looking for company to do it with.

Fast forward to recently, she invited me to a day party event and asked me to buy train tickets. On the day, she then told me we’d actually be going with her older brother and his friends and they’d be driving - with the train tickets being a waste. I agreed because I didn’t want to be difficult, but the whole dynamic felt weird.

The guys were constantly moving to girls, filming/recording everything, drinking heavily etc. Had I been drinking, I honestly would’ve felt uncomfortable being recorded too. There were moments I felt tense and tried to dance it off a little. My friend also kept going off to talk to a guy she was interested in. Eventually I just lost the energy to socialise and sat down by myself because I realised the environment genuinely wasn’t my scene and didn’t want to take away from them enjoying the event.

The part that hurt was I started feeling like she only invited me because she wanted another girl there. I didn’t really feel included - more like a convenience.

I’m in a phase of my life where I’m trying to prioritise my health, but I still want to enjoy life and have good experiences — just without needing drinking to be the centre of it.

Am I overthinking this, or does it feel like the friendship might be growing apart?