u/jamesth32

I'm M 29 and recently I feel like my life has been like groundhog day, I go to work do the same thing at work everyday 5 days a week 12 hours a day come home shower eat watch TV then sleep and recently I've been feeling myself getting more depressed and constantly feel like im wearing a mask especially at work my role is very customer service based face to face

At work I get a lot of comments from people such as "why do I not have a girlfriend" "why do you travel by yourself a lot is that not a bit weird" "you have some strange interests" my interests include a lot of history stuff and military related things and I enjoy walking around doing photography and car spotting supercars etc and was told that is "very strange and do I not feel embarrassed doing that."

I feel very misunderstood as a person right now and finding navigating life day to day is becoming harder and harder.

A bit about myself, I live in London but originally from the north west of England, I have no relationship with my father because growing up he was an ex military abusive violent drunk that would slap my mum about and my mum I have had a very up and down relationship with all my life she is also an alcoholic and that was my childhood watching them two drinking and fighting. My mum told me before that because I was not planned she didn't feel close to me and often would remind me as a child how I wasn't planned and shouldn't of been here. I have one brother that im close with but don't speak to him everyday because he has a busy life himself with his job and kids I speak to him once a week sometimes 2 weeks but he has also been through this with my mum and hasn't spoken to her in 5-6 years or so now.

Things got better with my mum as I've grown up and I've tried to advise her many times that they are alternative things she can drink instead of alcohol all the time and she instantly becomes hostile and defensive. When she drinks she sits on the PC and buys a lot of things from Amazon and sends them to my house (cleaning supplies mostly) sometimes she doesn't let me know she has done this and I have come home from work with sometimes boxes of stuff outside my door and things have been stolen to which she has got angry with me when I had no idea in the first place any of this was arriving. So I told her not to send anything to my house without me knowing but I said I can see she is coming from a good place but for me it's things I don't need and having to return packages in my own time has been a chore.

She stopped doing this for a while until just after Easter I went home to visit as normal everything was fine, a few days after getting back to London it started again and this time I was more direct with her this needs to stop and she took it badly and we didn't speak for a couple of days till I was at work she text me saying how she no longer wants to be in my life and doesn't wish to know me anymore and it absolutely crushed me.

I have a few select friends in London and even recently when I have just tried to check in on others or arrange plans I am completely left on read by everyone even when they have started conversations with me and I ask "how are you doing how's things" etc I get no responce after that and left on read.

The most ironic thing in all of this rant is I tried to reach out for counselling/therapy and have been ignored by them on emails.

I've also never experienced things most people my age are doing in life, never had a long term relationship, I've never moved in with anyone etc I've dated people here and there but nothing lasted more than a few months if that.

I started going to the gym a few months back and it helped a little but soon as I told anyone Ive started this people have said stuff like you should be doing this workout and that etc and you need to be going more than 3 times a week completly overloading me.