u/jaymow01

My GF (32F) and I (34M) have recently become closer to a married couple, Wife (30F) and Husband (30M), who live abroad.

Wife and I were friends in high school and reconnected during COVID in 2020. She later met Husband while she was still in another relationship and eventually left that relationship to be with him. They married in 2023 and now have a baby.

When they visited our country, the four of us went out for drinks. They initially presented their marriage as almost ideal, although there were some inconsistencies in their stories. For example, Husband seemed surprised when I mentioned that Wife and I had reconnected during COVID.

They did admit to one earlier period of serious tension. Husband suffered a back injury and could not contribute as much physically or financially while recovering. Wife became frustrated, emotionally withdrew and called him a “weak man.”

Husband later said that this treatment made him feel emasculated and caused him to recoil into himself. He has admitted to having a long history of low self-esteem and says that the resentment and damage to his confidence contributed to what happened next. That provides context, but obviously does not excuse his choices.

At our next meeting, Wife revealed that while she was pregnant, Husband had an emotional affair with her cousin.

Wife did not discover it until about a year later. After they returned home from a night out, she decided to go through his phone and found the messages.

There was flirting and sexting, and Husband later admitted that he enjoyed the attention and had thought about sleeping with the cousin, although he claimed he would never have acted on it. Initially, he described the communication as harmless “entertainment.”

One particularly strange detail was that Husband sent the cousin a private photo of their newborn, even though he and Wife had agreed not to share the baby’s pictures yet. According to Wife, he used the baby’s photo as a trade to receive pictures of the cousin’s hair. No intimate pictures were exchanged as far as wife knows.

Wife said that hearing Husband admit he enjoyed the attention and had sexual thoughts was easier than being expected to believe the sexting meant nothing.

Since the affair came out, they also seem to have developed a pattern of trying to provoke jealousy in each other.

Wife has brought up an occasion when she danced suggestively with another man in Husband’s presence. She has also admitted that she enjoys attention from other men during this repair period. She says she would never act on it, but she tells Husband when other men show interest in her.

This is not equivalent to his affair, but it makes us wonder whether they are rebuilding trust or using other people’s attention to validate themselves and make each other insecure.

They have also involved family members in their marital problems, although we have no context regarding what was discussed or what version of events the relatives heard.

Both have started individual therapy and have discussed couples counselling. Wife acknowledges that she treated Husband badly during his injury and sometimes lashes out because of the betrayal.

More concerningly, their arguments have become physically volatile. Husband apparently throws or damages objects when angry. During one argument, he threw his phone against a wall. Wife grabbed him by his shirt, tearing it and breaking his chain. He then threw a chair down, and she picked it up and slammed it herself, damaging the chair and a ceiling light.

Their baby was asleep in another room.

Wife later admitted to her therapist that putting her hands on him and damaging property was unacceptable.

Wife now treats my GF and me as trusted sounding boards. She has avoided telling most of her other friends because she fears they will permanently hate Husband and refuse to believe he can change. However, most of the detailed information we have comes from her, so we recognise that we may not have the complete picture.

We understand that we should not insert ourselves into their marriage or become their unofficial counsellors. We are mainly curious about how other people would interpret and respond to this situation.

My main questions are:

1. What would you do if a couple you were only beginning to know disclosed all of this to you?

2. Does this sound like a deeply damaged marriage that could still be repaired through serious therapy, or has it crossed into an unsafe and unhealthy dynamic?

3. Would you remain friends with them while refusing to discuss their marriage, or would the jealousy, dishonesty and physical aggression make you distance yourself completely?

TL;DR: Wife mistreated Husband and called him weak while he was recovering from a back injury. Husband, who has longstanding low self-esteem, says this contributed to him withdrawing and later having an emotional affair with Wife’s cousin while Wife was pregnant. Wife discovered it about a year later by checking his phone. They now provoke jealousy in each other, involve relatives in their problems and attend therapy, but their arguments have escalated into grabbing, throwing objects and damaging property while their baby was home. What would you do if relatively new friends disclosed all of this to you?

My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) are close friends with a married couple—34F and 33M—whom we jokingly refer to as “the High Rollers.” They have been together for over eight years, having met in college under less-than-ideal circumstances. At the time, she was in another relationship and, as far as I know, cheated on her then-partner with the man who is now her husband.

Their relationship has always had significant financial tension. She comes from one of the wealthiest families in our country and grew up having nearly all her basic needs provided for. She was so financially sheltered that she did not realize how expensive ordinary things such as furniture were until she got married and had to purchase them herself.

Her husband, on the other hand, comes from a very modest background and is the son of a pastor. He does not believe in having a conventional 9-to-5 job and is constantly involved in different business ideas, side ventures and “quick money” opportunities. He has also never been fully transparent about his finances. He seems to have a traditional mindset that the man should handle financial matters without necessarily explaining everything to his wife.

They later experienced fertility difficulties, partly due to her history with fibroids. After several IVF attempts, they conceived twins. Tragically, one of the babies died shortly after birth. It was an unimaginable loss, and it understandably placed even more strain on a marriage that was already struggling with financial problems, mistrust and frequent conflict.

During this period, both of them were also unfaithful.

After many conversations and partial confessions, the truth about their respective affairs eventually came out. Unfortunately, the honesty did not bring them closer or create a path toward healing. It seems to have pushed them further apart. They now behave more like roommates who are jointly caring for their surviving child, who is two years old.

What worries us most is the environment their child may grow up in. There is constant resentment, competition and emotional tension between the parents. Instead of acknowledging how each of them has contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, they seem determined to prove that their individual pain and complaints are more serious than the other person’s.

Some of the contradictions are difficult to process. At one point, the wife asked her husband to start wearing his wedding ring again as a sign that he still cared about repairing the marriage. We later discovered that, at the same time, she was involved with two other men.

The husband also presents himself as the wronged party while continuing to be secretive about money and other aspects of his life. Neither of them seems willing to be completely honest, even with the people trying to support them.

My girlfriend and I have had numerous conversations with both of them, individually and together. The problem is that we never seem to receive the complete story. Every few weeks, another significant piece of information comes out, forcing us to reassess everything we previously believed.

We care about them, and outside this situation, we consider them people with many good qualities. However, supporting them has become emotionally exhausting. We feel as though we are being pulled into an endless cycle of dishonesty, blame, crisis management and moral contradiction. They ask for advice but rarely take responsibility or make meaningful changes.

We are beginning to experience what I can only describe as moral fatigue. We want to remain supportive friends, especially because a young child is involved, but we also need to protect our own relationship and peace of mind.

How do you maintain a friendship with a couple like this without becoming their unofficial therapists or referees? Is it appropriate to establish boundaries around how much of their marital problems we are willing to discuss? Should we tell them directly that we can no longer provide advice unless they pursue professional counselling and become more honest with each other?

At what point does “being supportive” become enabling?

TL;DR: My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) are trying to support our married friends (34F and 33M), who have a long history of financial conflict, secrecy, mutual infidelity, fertility struggles and the tragic loss of one of their twins. They now live like resentful roommates while raising their two-year-old child. They are rarely fully honest with us and constantly compete over who has been hurt more. How do we support them without becoming emotionally and morally exhausted?