u/jetiau

I'm a dude in my 30s that has been seeing streaming since Justin tv days. I've always wanted to do this. However, back in the day I didn't have a proper PC. Then I decided at the time that I should follow the advice of the adults in my life and get into the workforce. Try to go to college. All that jazz. That all that internet and video game stuff is a waste of time.

I've worked everything from restaurants, to retail, warehouses, etc etc. Each and every job I've felt more and more like crap. Now, I'm sitting here at this cafe I work at while looking at my OBS and everything and have been asking myself "why?"

I can't do that anymore. I want this more than ever. To be my own boss and just build a community for me. I don't want to be some big name. I don't want my name in lights or some big sponsors or a energy powder flavor or whatever. I just want to do the thing I've always wanted to do, but I have no idea where to start and what in the heck to do.

I don't have a Twitter or any social media nor do I want to go about advertising my stream on like Facebook or anything. How can I start this without making a fool of myself and falling back into the regular 9 to 5 bustle.

I know stream start-ups aren't going to instantly pop off and I'm willing to put in the same amount of time building my dream I put into making sure all of these buisnesses I've busted my behind for prosper. I want to put the work ethic I've gained into ME now not into anymore of these places that barely pay above minimal and never promote from within.

I am ready and willing to learn.

34m Black

I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I've tried to find help but there is no help around me available. The hotlines don't really want to talk unless I'm on the edge of a bridge. I just feel hopeless.

Ever since the pandemic, I've been taking more losses than victories. And even when I win, the people in my life (family, friends, in laws) don't really consider it anything of worth because I'm not super successful and I shouldn't be celebrating such small things.

I was even told at one point that I shouldn't be celebrating my birthday because a man doesn't waste time with celebrating that unless I'm wealthy.

Ever since I was a child, I was molded to be a vehicle for outside approval. That if I don't earn an "I'm proud of you" then it's a waste of my time.

Music, Art, Theater, etc. These were all thrown to the wayside because it wasn't things my relatives thought wasn't worth praise.

My Mother always tried to prop me up, but after some point in my eyes she was trying to be a shield for me and a mediator to protect me while trying to make me feel special. I always will appreciate her unconditional love for me. But, I decided to distance myself so I wouldn't ruin her relationship with my step father.

A man who for the longest time took everything I wanted to pursue as a waste of time and I should just fall in line and do as he says or be forced to leave. This was my reality until I couldn't take it anymore and moved out.

Then the pandemic happened and forced me back into that situation. Not only with him, but my future mother in law who has the same mentality.

Nothing is good enough. Not me becoming a Straight A student in college after being away for nearly 10 years. Not any jobs I get. Nothing. And sure, I shouldn't live up to the standards of others. But that's all I know.

I don't know how to be happy for myself. I do these moves for myself, and it spirals into "Is this good enough? Am I finally going to be seen as a person? What lie should I tell to soften the blow until I finally figure it out?"

And with my sister having a child finally, now I'm getting ill looks because as the oldest I should've been the first with a kid.

I was taught to always be ahead of the curve and grow up fast, but I don't know what I am doing. I literally had to teach myself how to tie a tie. How to drive. How to make money. Save money. File taxes. With a father figure in my life. I just feel so damned hurt.

Plus, I've always carried everyone else's burdens while ignoring my own. Work to help the family. Listen to my friends and help them through their problems. I even helped people do their work for university to get them their degrees while ignoring my education.

I want to do these great things not to earn approval or attention, but because they make me happy but that voice always comes back.

Someone please help me understand what I'm doing wrong.

Edit: I also should add that I am in dire financial straits without a support system to fall back on. So I really want to work on myself to save myself.

290412104536

Also go on a nice stroll every day around my neighborhood so if anyone wants gifts, I get a ton of em!

290412104536

Is my friend code. Don't care where you are from. Just want more friends to give gifts to. Nothing more or less.