u/jeudvdk

Yesterday I had enough, lowest point ever in my life and wanted to end it.
Wrote a goodbye letter, took 28mg of lunesta( escopiclone) and 60 mg of temazepam.
On top of that a bottle of vodka finished in 3 hours.
Started feeling drowsy and lay down. But nope even one hour later i wasnt able to sleep. I struggle with insomnia since birth and its a major reason i want to die.
I ended up being awake the whole night. How is this even possible. Atleast it should have knocked me out for 10-12 hours.
Guess my brain, cns, whole body is fried.
Had 2 seizures already, maybe another one kills me.
Ive been addicted to alcohol, benzos, weed, opiates
For 4 years now. I dont want to go theough the pain to recover from this
But if you have any advice or help, i thank you very much

Im addicted to benzos and alcohol since 4 years.
Been to medical detox twice, 2 seizures, liver problems.
Yesterday night i tried to kill myself
Took 28mg of lunesta ( eszopiclone) 60mg of temazepam. On top of that i drank 700ml of vodka in 3 hours. Wrote a goodbye later, went to bed, hoping it knocks me out but nope. I waited 1 hour and still couldnt sleep. Ended up being awake for the whole night.
How is this even possible. Even if it hadnt killed me why not atleast get me asleep fpr 10-12 hours so i dont have to be awake.
I dont understand it.
Dont know what to do from here.

Im unemployed, insomnia and eczema since being a child. If I had a gun i would have done it in 5 seconds.
I have valium to taper of this but i dont know if i should do it. Maybe a seizure could kill me. Maybe a seizure could result in me ending up in a wheelchair not being avle to speak which would be even worse.. I dont know.
Any advice is appreciated
Thank you

The r/stoicism wouldnt let me post for Karma reasons

Hey Guys

Ive been struggling with depression since im 13.
Never had therap because its too expensive where im at and my insurance doesnt cover it
I am 29 now.
When covid and lockdown began I was more isolated than ever, and i turned to alcohol.
Before that I was what you could say a „normal“ drinker“, only at social events and never alone.
Sometimes I smoked weed to.

But I began starting to drink alone, and i have become a full blown alcoholic. Like a bottle of vodka a day minimum. Plus Benzos, weed and opiates.
It really escalated. Adding to that i have severe eczema over my whole body, which results in crazy itching , bleeeing and scars.
I was to medical detox 3 times, had 2 seizures, have a fatty liver from my alcohol abuse.
Mentally im at my worst ever. They say Alcoholism is a slow suicide. If I had a gun I would have ended it immediatly but im too scared to slit my wrists or jump from a building. I spend 90% of time in my bed, wishing to fall asleep and never wake up again.
Im trying hard to stop but by day 2 or 3 im so miserable that i start to drink again

Ive read Marcus Aurelius Meditations, and i found so much wisdom in his writings,but I struggle with applying them to myself and my life.

I live alone, lost all my friends/ social circle due to m alcoholism, only my mother and fathwe are there and im sp thankfulbecause i have put them through a lot.

So any advice on how to incorporate certain passages in my Life to get ouf this and live and become healthy again?
I would like to quote some passages in particular but english is not my first language so i struggle to translate

Thanks you for your help

My family knows im an alcoholic.
3 medical Detoxes, 2 seizures, getting kicked out because of my drinking.
Fatty Liver and stomach pains.
Still drinking despite of that, around a litre of vodka a day and I can still walk and talk „normally“. Tolerance is sky high

But on day 3 sober now, i wasnt able to keep the vodka down anymore and wasnt eating.
I hate life and couldnt care If someone shoots me in the head or I just collapse

My Parents still drink, but like normies.
Today my dad asked me why i just couldnt have a couple of beers with them instead drinking vodka alone.
I explained to him that few beers are like sparkling water for me, because my tolerance is so high.
He asked me what I meant by that.
I told him I could drink up to 2 bottles of vodka ( one bottle is 700ml here), and I was somehow suprised by my answer.
Because in the past I would usually say something that wouldnt cause them to worry.
Dont know why I decided to tell him the truth, because he was quite shocked.
Understandable
Maybe its because I just lost all hope and why just not be 100% truthful.

Can someone relate? Should i just have lied?
I dont understand it