u/jigolokuraku

I may be experiencing a mild mania. I feel like I am not totally in my body, difficulty to concentrate and keep focus, increase in spending although everything seems rational and inside the budget, at least I tell myself that. What else? Racing thoughts and writing this will in bed because I can't sleep.

Also there is a feeling of tranquility, like things can't affect, a "who cares" attitude towards everything, vocabulary is compromised, I can't find all my words.

Part of me really wants this to be mania and feed the state, (no sleeping) probably a bad idea.

I've been looking at the subreddit posts over the last few days and they are so lukewarm: people who acknowledge they have a problem but take the softest actions to quit the problem. People who see how much harm video games have done to them, but prefer to stay in what's familiar rather than face it. People who say "I could do more if I didn't play video games, but ultimately I control them." (So I will keep it this way)

Quitting video games is not an easy task, nor a comfortable one, stop wishing it were.

If it's hard even for those who are fully committed to quitting, why do you expect that one day you're going to say "no more" and it's simply going to happen?

Don't wish for an easy way out because there isn't one. This requires considerable effort, not just in willpower, but in everything you have to do to change your life.

Anyway, just my two cents, stopgaming or keepgaming, it's your choice.

I have been going for 3 weeks to smart meetings and I feel related to the things people talk about, there are a lot of people that have problem with alcohol, drugs, a person with food.

I think that I have a problem with compsumption as well but my main addiction is videogames, and I am ashamed to tell that, I feel like it seems almost unimportant.

But from my point of view is such an awful addiction. It takes you all your time, and consume your mind so that you can only think about it.

I know that everyone faces different adversities, that in my case it is videogames, that I share many of the subyacent problems with other people in the meetings but still I feel like these people are bringing real problems and I am bringing a kid problem.

Does it make sense?

My problem with videogames is that from a young age I get use to relate videogames to my moods. Feel bad? Play games, avoid thinking. Feel alone? Get online help some noobies, enter a party. Feel good? Let's celebrate by playing videogames.

If no matter what human emotion you feel your impulse is to play videogames you hardly have an exit. You need to start creating a life outside of videogames and still that won't be enough.

When life hits you hard, when you are extremely bored, when you just want to relax your craving will come back and you will need a lot of force of will just to overcome it.

I hate this narrative that I have seem in this subreddit and in other. I quit this habit now my life is wonderful. It isn't like that, it will just give you more time to fill with something and unless you have something build it won't last.

Videogames take much more than our time, they take our ability to relate to the real world and it's the always available easy escape whispering in your ear to come back.

I have been videogame free for over a year and a half.

Lately I have been feeling empty. Like things don't fulfill me enough. And in that emotion videogames crawl back into my mind again.

"I know I can control it", "It will only be 30. Mins/and hour", and I know it is all a lie, but I feel so tempted. Why shouldn't, why shouldn't I....

I try to do other things but the thought came back. And I know I can't I am an addict, I know that my personality is all or nothing. I have no middle ground. But still the fight is real.

Wishing you all the best in your own struggle.

I am tracking my sleep and I have been sleeping 8 hours. However I wake up about 4-6 times per night.

I have a feeling that I should be tracking continuous hours but not sure. Apart from that something feels off, I have been depressed half the time and "normal" with some dissociation here and there.

I don't feel particularly tired but it is really hard to focus sometimes.

Also it seems like depressed me likes to gossip. Which is understandable, easy dopamine here and there.

Random thoughts.

Today I pay my last debt.

Years accumulating debt while depressed/hypo. I am not in the best spot but at least I can say I have no debt.

Euthimia is so great. I only wish that I could do the same for my health but some things are gone for good or will require many years to recover partially.

Edit: On this subreddit so people stop saying "only influencers", "only people that doesn't have it"

​I think the main problem with bipolar disorder is that people romanticize having it. 'I feel like shit, I feel depressed? No one can understand the depth of my pain, the way everything impacts my being.' You feel hypomanic? 'Wow, now I can do multiple projects, I have energy, I have grandiose ideas.'

​What often gets ignored is the aftermath: the broken relationships, the financial damage, and the inevitable crash after the high. Accepting a diagnosis and staying consistent with treatment is extremely hard, but it’s the only way forward.

​I say: Accept that you are bipolar. Take your meds and try to manage the condition so you can have a stable life. But let's not glorify having the condition if we aren't doing everything possible to control it.

I’ve been thinking about the topic of habits and how I feel they’re sold in popular culture almost like time management. You assign a time block to an action and repeat it over time.

But I feel that habits, especially for us, are a daily struggle.

It’s easy to maintain a habit when you’re doing well, when you can have a certain level of consistency. In the end, if two people go to the gym 7 days a week, it looks the same from the outside; both completed their week at the gym.

Yet, very little is said about the daily struggle: about that complete lack of desire to go, the overwhelming anxiety you feel, having zero motivation, and forcing yourself to stick to the schedule anyway.

I don’t mean to underestimate anyone’s journey, but I do believe your process and my process aren’t the same even if we end up at the exact same point. One required far more effort and daily fight, while for the other, it was just a matter of looking at the clock and knowing what to do.

I felt relief because maybe finally something will work but it was like the signs were always there why you didn't diagnose me earlier? Maybe I could have a different more valuable life have I been diagnosed 1-2 decades earlier.

Here are some of mine that have work somehow.

I serve my meds once at night. I take my night meds and leave the others in a small transparent case by my bed, the day after I have visual proof if I have already taken my meds.

Use schedule for things. Don't depend on motivation. For example. 8 am time to go to the gym, 12 pm time to eat lunch, 2 pm time to work. Don't depend on your mood to do things.

This one is still a theory: Be extreme on your decisions. If for example I have an account where I only put money I never take it out by myself, only with the help of my SO, that way in hypomania/depression if I want to break the rule I can easily tell that something is wrong. Although hipomanic me will find some argument I am sure. Or don't do drugs/ drink alcohol, once you break the rule it is easy to see that you can drink every once in a while

A lot of people glorify manias while others have make the worst decisions in manic episodes. May be a blessing in disguise

It feels like a chore. Honestly I don't see the point in tracking them unless I am particularly bad or good. But everyday putting that I slept 8 hours, not depressed gets boring.

Everyday when I go out I have to put the wind noise cancellation on. I enter the gym and for some reason it deactivates.

Is there a way to make the wind cancellation work as default?

No tengo muchos recursos. Ganó poco más de un mínimo y decidí como primer objetivo crear mis fondos de emergencias.

Sin embargo, mi situación dental no está muy bien, y si bien al principio pensé que solo era tener dientes torcidos, lo cual no me importa, mi periodonciwta me explico que "la mala oclusión lleva a perdida de hueso de soporte dental" lo cual lleva a perdida de dientes.

Entonces supongo que la prioridad es salud + gastos básicos y solo después de eso puedo pensar en ahorro.

La alternativa es posponer el tratamiento dental hasta que tenga más ahorros pero dado que el tiempo también es un activo, creo que entre mas pronto inicie los tratamientos relacionados con salud mejor. ¿Verdad?

Sigo pensando que el fondo de emergencia es importante, solamente no se si es prioritario ahora mismo.