Friend troubles
I 17(F) have been struggling with my mental health for about the last 3 or 4 years, it’s definitely better then it was at the beginning as I went to multiple services provided in my country and they have helped.
Over the past year I feel like I have been in my head a lot when it comes to my friends , I always have been but specifically recently I’ve been struggling to go places because I feel ignored. at the end of last year the group im in has widened a lot I would say there is up to 20 people in it now which is quite a lot but anyways as these new people came into the friend group I feel like any time I go to a hang out I’m ignored or not paid any attention to, if I try to speak no one listens but it’s odd because I do get invited to things unlike when they tend to have a problem with someone they don’t get invited and left out of plans, so I’m confused but I’m always ignored at big group hang outs and if I try to add to the conversation (which I’ve kind of given up on as of recent because I find it completely degrading) I’m ignored and it’s not like I’m talking out of turn I wait my turn to talk and still no one listens so as of recent I haven’t been going to any hang outs and now any time something is planned I freak out and pull back last minute , I don’t know what to do because I’ve talked to people about it (my mom and boyfriend) my mom thinks I just want to be the centre of attention the whole time which isn’t true Becuase I really do never speak in the group since there’s so many new people (I’m nervous around people I don’t know ) and my boyfriend (who is in the same group) acts like he feels bad but never calls people out on it and he is very popular within the group too.
Also I have not a lot of friends sure the group is big but I’m not close with a lot of the people in it and i don’t have any friends outside of the group I’ve been friends with a the majority of these people since I was 8 and the other few since I was 13 I used to be liked in the group and I felt I was very social within it and thrived in it but now I feel like I’d rather sit at home and miss out on every meet up unless it’s only small (6 people max) I don’t know what to do because I want to make new friends but I’m bad at small talk or just regular conversation and only tend to speak when spoken to (because of being ignored) I’m getting really lonely as of recent but I never want to go out and these contradicting feelings are just too much . Also after any meet up I get really paranoid that everyone hates me and I don’t belong in the group even if nothing went wrong and I know in reality all was fine but I just can’t get out of my own head. Sorry for the essay.