u/jungENHA

Hi! Im f18 and ive grown up in a christian environment. I currently wouldn't describe myself as a christian, however christianity has been a big part of my life and has influenced my beliefs and the way i think. This is why im posting this here :)

I only recently acknowledged my sexuality, and ive had a hard time accepting it because ive always been told that it is not 'normal'.

For the context, my whole family is christian, i spent 5 years in a conservative christian school and i used to pray and go to church. Im not sure i still believe in God, however the way people taught me christianity, and life in the same time, still stays with me.

This environment around me was (and still is) toxic, but I have nothing against christianity. Im questioning myself a lot, and i sometimes still pray but it's more out of despair than anything else. I just wish i wasn't experiencing this.

Ive been trying to like men, really. At first it seemed like i could handle this situation and maybe get out of it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I have family expectations to marry a man and have children and all that. It's stressing me. Im not out to my parents or anyone close to me, because im worried about the reactions my words could receive.

And it would be so much simpler in life to just live like everyone has always taught me to. A man, a woman, children, and that's it.

The thing is i don't hate gay people, and i don't think ive ever had. It's true that when i was younger i wasn't aware of what were homosexuality and the lgbtq comunity, and i couldn't really understand it. It was some kind of a taboo subject before, here where i live, so i learned about it all by myself, on the internet. It took me some time and research but i quickly accepted that people are people, love is love, and there is no problem with that. But for some reason, when it comes to myself, i can't accept it. It's supposed to be sinful and shameful. Though i wouldn't say that to anyone, and im sorry if this all doesn't make much sense.

It's like it's okay if it's other people, i support them, and i really can't understand the homophobia directed against them. But when it's about me, suddenly im not thinking the same way. Suddenly it's wrong and it's not what im supposed to feel, it's not right.

I used to believe it was temporary. Recently i found what wrote last year about it, when i first found out i wasn't really straight. There were things like 'i hope it will go away after i get better mentally', 'im so confused these days', 'i want to stop thinking about this' and a ton of similar words. Today i felt kinda sad reading all that. Now my view has changed but not that much. I know it's not temporary but i still hope i can force myself to make it change.

Is there any way to erase that part of me? Ive been trying.

Im not even sure why im writing and posting this, i just feel very isolated and i guess i wanted to know if this was something that had happened to other people too.

This was long lol sorry

I have SO MANY unfinished fics in my drafts that have been there forever and idk what to do.

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Some of them are even almost complete, like it would just need a few hundred words to make them, some others are basically a few paragraphs long, but for an unknown reason i never continue them, never post them. Does this happen to anyone?

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I get obsessed over whatever idea i got for a specific ship, write thousands words about it, and then i get another idea and completely let down the fic i was writing on. It's frustrating.

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It's the same for my wips, i have around 3 of them posted atm but i haven't updated in a long time, i just can't bring myself to keep them going.

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ANYWAYS im not specifically waiting for a reply lol i just wanted to let this here.

As the title says, I have a problem with hyperfixation. It usually happens with people, which can seem weird but i can't really help it. When i find someone who i like to talk to, it can take a few days or weeks like it can be after just a day, my whole life starts revolving around them. It happens online and irl. Never 2 persons at the same time. Is there a way to stop that? I feel like im burdening these ppl, which is surely the case, but i don't know how to make this stop. I keep messaging them or trying to get close to them bc they make me feel more at ease that most of other ppl. These hyperfixation phases can last for weeks, months or even years, depending on the person. It stops when it becomes emotionally unbearable for one of us. I hate it so much.

I also hyperfixate on some topics like music, a certain group, one at a time, it will last for a few months or years before another one comes into my life. They'll be all i talk about and think about and spend my money on.

Does anyone have any advice? Especially for the first thing.