u/justdelu

I come from a family of 5. (Mom, Dad, 2 older sisters, and me).
My parents are both from China and Taiwan and they moved to Hawaii to live/raise us. So for some context, they got my older sister (1), then my second sister (2)(so that my older sister wouldn’t get “lonely”), and they didn’t actually plan for me. My mom originally wanted to abort me because she said at the time she was just too stressed with life (I am 2 yrs apart from 2 and 7 yrs apart from 1). However, in the end she still decided to have me.

Growing up, I always felt like I was the one that always had to “clean up” the fire. Whenever my mom fought with my dad, 1, 2, or anyone else, I would always end up getting yelled at too. It was always kinda my responsibility to make sure everyone got happy in the end. This was a lot of work for me. Always having to pretend to be happy in order to protect the peace in the family.

There is just a lot that happened that I now just can’t know how to put into words. I guess like the fact I feel like the only reason my parents had kids was to get “revenge” on our relatives. Before they had us my uncles/aunts would always ask them to babysit their kids or play with them, and my mom got fed up so she told my dad they should just have their own kids so my relatives will stop bothering them. Also, I feel bad for 1 (my oldest sister) because the way I see it, they solely got her so that they could get a greencard/visa to stay in the US (when she turns 21).

I am always constantly getting blamed. My mom blames me (including my sisters) for ruining her life, not letting her do her own thing, saying we are hopeless, etc. This was a lot for me and I even started having suicidal thoughts sometime during 4th-5th grade (9-10yrs old). I really did want to end it (I still want to).

Yes, my parents do care for me but I feel like now, it just doesn’t add up to the things they have caused for me. To me, I guess my parents' mindset is money = love, which means, if they provide us with the necessities that is all they should do and we should be grateful.

Like, there are some times when they are affectionate and I feel happy, but then if I say one wrong thing everything blows up and things get heated again. 

I guess my parents are just very narcissistic and enjoy forcing their problems onto their children. They act as if everything that went wrong is all because of us. I just don’t feel like talking anymore near them because if I open my mouth I just end up getting yelled at. 

Even if I try to set up a TINY boundary and express my feelings I just get dismissed, yelled at more, and my feelings just hurt more.

When I talk I get yelled at. When I don’t talk I still get yelled at. 

I’m just supposed to always act happy and be nice and do as they say.

I can’t wait for the day I can just walk away and live my own life, if I ever can.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic about this whole thing.

Okay so firstly I’m currently in school right now and there is this guy that I had a crush on. I’ll name him as Chase. So Chase was like the average smart person. He was good at lots of things that he did. Really good at math, science, etc. Chase wasn’t really like those kids to be classified as “popular/jock” type. More like…the nerdier type I suppose. He was actually well popular in the nerd circle ig. He was outgoing to people he was close with and he tend to smile a lot and laugh. I guess he is kind of like an ambivert.

We had a few classes together. Like symphony, math, and English. I knew him from a previous year when we had classes together as well. During math and symphony that was probably when I was more forward with my feelings. Like in math I would constantly ask him questions like “Oh wait, how do you solve this?” And he would explain it to me. During symphony we were seated together so obviously we would talk a lot and laugh. I also had his number so I would occasionally text him and try to make conversation. Asking about homework, telling him about what a class talked about, etc. He usually didn’t reply right away. Mostly around like 4-10 hours later. I mean I would justify that with saying he did a lot after school so maybe that’s why. Anyways I always felt he was really friendly with me and that he liked me back but maybe that’s just me being delulu. Other girls did like him too. There was atleast four other girls who liked him and one of them was somebody I knew through another connection (J) and one of them was somebody who was in one of my classes (G). So I heard from my friend that J texted Chase saying “Hi” and he replied back with “who is this?” And once she replied back with saying who she was he didn’t reply back to her. So I’m guessing he prolly didn’t like her back. I think with her it was really obvious that she liked him.

I mean now writing all of this out and actually reading what I wrote it sounds ridiculous and he probably only liked me as a friend and it was just platonic. I mean he is a perceptive guy obviously since he is smart and he can tell that people like him. Which makes me think, he probably knew that I liked him and just played in my face. Which is probably not the case but I still think that way. I guess lots of girls (including me) liked him because of his personality??

But yeah I’m still going to post this to see what some other opinions say and also because I wrote all of this out and would be a waste to not post it…!