u/kelliwk

I work in a restaurant that requires a lot of running around, and this summer has been SO HOT, so I occasionally wear some spandexy bike shorts when I know it’ll be uncomfortable wearing full pants. They are mid thigh length, normal bike shorts with pockets that I got for like $15 online. They’re super comfy, yay.

Today I flew out of PHL and when I was going through the body scanner, they had me take my shoes off and go back through. This time, the male TSA officer says “she’ll see you over there.” I walk over to the female officer and she says, “okay your shoes are off and it’s still alerting us…in your crotch and bottom area.” I turn around to look at their screen - my crotch and crack were lit up bright red and nothing else was.

She asks if I want to go to a private area or just do it there. I initially said private, she hesitated while checking to see if there was a spot available, so I said “it’s cool just do it here” because I just wanted it to be over with. Then I get back-of-hand felt up (including “step forward with this foot” crease swipes) when I literally just had bike shorts and underwear on.

TL;DR: got budget shorts for work, found out I probably have lead chilling next to my lady bits

I’m so, so sad. A year ago today he planned the perfect date and told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. I miss how excited we were about each other and being together and I have so many regrets about how the last year went, and how we got to this point.

Since we broke up at the beginning of June, he’s told me a few times that I have his heart and he didn’t want to lose me forever and he only wants me, that when we heal we will start over, but in between those times he’s pushed me away and I feel like I can’t talk to someone who has been my best friend for so long.

I unfortunately still have hope but it feels so far away. I don’t even know if this is hurting him

TLDR: due to terrible communication and childhood trauma, the love of my life broke up with me but pulls me in saying I have his heart and he wants to be with me, isolates and pushes me away to work on himself, pulls me back in because he doesn’t want to lose me, pushes me away again etc and I feel insane. What do I do?

We met at our favorite bar at the end of 2023 and spent the next five months hooking up randomly but not talking, really. One day mid 2024 we started hanging out and never stopped. I would stay at his house without anything physical going on (though it still did), we would watch movies and he made me dinner, we would hang out constantly and became best friends. I had feelings for him and he told me we were too alike, it would never work, we were never going to date. I always thought I was delusional because I never believed him due to how he treated me (like he was in love with me) vs what he would say. We would say we needed to stop hooking up, then last at most two weeks before starting up again. This happened multiple times. We were never committed or monogamous at this point.

I got to the point where I couldn’t sit around and watch him want other people, so I told him it was over. A week later he wanted to talk and said how horrible things have been since I left him, and that he wanted me in his life. I felt the same. We hooked up that night and went back to being best friends. A month later he told me we were going on a date the next day. I asked if he was doing it out of pity, he was aghast.

He had a whole plan. We dressed up. We had early dinner at a Michelin star restaurant and he told me he loved me (we had been saying it for months but I still teased him about saying it on a first date). We had drinks at a nice cocktail bar, then he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. We went to a hardcore show at a DIY venue, played pool, and went to a strip club before going to my place and going to bed. It was a perfect first date.

We considered it a healthy relationship for a few months, then we started getting into stupid fights. It was always after we both drank all day, and we would get sensitive or take things the wrong way/personally, etc. My anxiety was at an all time high and I have a huge fear of people I love dying, so a couple of times when it got super late but I didn’t hear from him, I would call his coworker or boss and see if he was with them. Not because I was keeping tabs, but because I was worried about him. I recognized that this wasn’t healthy, and I talked to a psychiatrist, got on a new antidepressant, stopped drinking, and got into therapy. I wanted to chill myself out for my own sake, and for ours as a couple.

He texted me one day saying he was taking on a lot more work and he felt like he needed to let me go so I don’t worry about him all the time. We met up a couple days later and he broke up with me. I sat there and cried while he felt so cold. He wasn’t mean, just emotionless.

Two days later he texted me saying he had already started making improvements and wanted to talk. I laughed because really? Two days? I ended up meeting up with him the next day and he sat me down and told me that I have his heart, he doesn’t want anyone else but me, he wants us to get healthy and get back together. He said us being apart felt worse than his divorce did. I told him that us being together was exactly what I wanted and maybe we just needed to take a step back to relieve some pressure between us. He said he was emotionless when we broke up because he didn’t allow himself time to process things until later.

A few days later I came over while he was doing some work, and mentioned I would be getting food on my way home. He asked me to stay for dinner and watch a movie. We sat apart on the couch and everything seemed good, just different. The next day we agreed that we shouldn’t hang out alone right now because it felt too comfortable and we did still need space. The day after that, I went to his work and he kept holding my hand and saying how rare of a person I am, how much he loves me and only wants me, and I believed him. I think I still do. We slept together that night and the next morning he said he was so worried he lost me forever. We went to the grocery store and he held my hand. It felt good but we, yet again, agreed we need space but that we were working towards the same goal.

After that, he started pulling away again. We met up for lunch and because I said I wanted to talk, and he started saying “possibly try to re-approach getting back together again” instead of sounding certain. After talking a while, I told him I came there to say we needed to be no contact. He immediately said it wasn’t what he wanted, he doesn’t want to lose me, this wasn’t over, etc. We agreed on a week with a check in after that. I ended up feeling better and getting a new perspective on the situation, he stayed drunk the entire time and didn’t process anything. When we met back up, he once again said he was so scared he lost me forever and that he does want to be with me but that we both have a lot to work on and I agreed again. He said he’s never had someone care about him the way I have and I felt the same about him. We said we couldn’t keep going the way we were before the breakup and that this way, we could be healthy for ourselves and each other. He told me he was surprised by how much my perspective had changed, and that I already seemed healthier. The next day he called and wanted to hang out, and we ended up sleeping together again. He told me he loves me and asked if I’d come stay the night with him. It felt like old times even though we never said we were back together. When we left each other the next day, he kissed me and told me he loved me again.

Within 48 hours he pulled away entirely and said he needed everyone to leave him alone. I didn’t think this had anything to do with me, so I stepped back. I worry about him a lot for various reasons, so after about four days and a couple of upsetting texts from him, I reached out. He told me he knows himself and he needs to be alone without distractions to improve his life. I told him I wished he had just said that he needed time, he said he didn’t know it would happen like this, etc. Our entire problem has been communication, which we’ve talked about multiple times and said we wanted to improve. I got emotional and told him I wished him the best, and that I had a gift for him that I would leave at his work. I didn’t see him when I went by, so I left it with his coworker. I grabbed my things from his house with the intention of cutting him off entirely since we keep going back and forth and he knows I need consistency. He said he didn’t think it needed such an air of finality. Later that night, last night, he said he woke up one day and decided he didn’t want to talk to anyone, and went into the mode of “stop letting people get too close because this is how it turns out when you do.” That after a few days of isolating himself, he’s more motivated and clear headed than he has been in a long time. I called him to talk and he said we should be no contact again and maybe check in after a week. I said that wasn’t a good time because that was supposed to be our anniversary, and that we should just do this indefinitely. He said that was fair and he would reach out when he felt like he could.

He has been more patient and loving than anyone else I’ve ever been with. I don’t doubt that he loves me and I never have, even when I thought I was insane for it. He has always made me want to be a better person and I think we trigger each other because of how safe we feel and how vulnerable we can be. I consider him the love of my life and he has said the same about me, but I don’t know how to fix this and I can’t deal with the rollercoaster anymore.

I want to tell him we need to be out of each others lives entirely even though it hurts me so badly. The problem is, I don’t know if I would be doing it for self preservation and the ability to move on, or if I’m trying to take power back and it be my Hail Mary to try to get him to stick with this and make it work. I don’t want to sit around and wait for him to talk to me or have hope that one day everything will be fine between us. I am so confused because of how much love we have for each other, and frustrated because he had been the one initiating almost all of these conversations where he sees us getting back together, and I am just following his lead but then he pulls away again. Every four days he treats me differently and he admitted that was correct. I think he’s battling some pretty intense stuff just from what he’s said to me over the time we’ve known each other, and I don’t know if time and space will help us or if I need to stop the wishful thinking.