u/kenneka7

Hi everyone,

my girlfriend broke up with me last Sunday.

The short story: we started dating in December, everything went really well, we understood each other perfectly, laughed a lot, had similar cultural interests and hobbies – a classic getting-to-know-each-other situation. She’s 34, I’m 41.

We reached the point where we were meeting almost every day regularly. Of course, factoring in timing, sometimes she needed a little space or wasn’t available, and same for me – so I would say things were progressing in a healthy way. Apart from one small disagreement that involved a few days apart and a reconciliation, everything was going perfectly. After making up, she told me that from her side, things were now official and serious.

We started planning our lives together. She told me she wasn’t necessarily able to have children – due to endometriosis – and wasn’t sure she wanted to either. She said she didn’t want to sell me a false picture. I told her that was fine, that I wanted her more than I wanted children. The weeks and months passed, and we went on a trip together in early May.

A few days before the trip she told me her period was late and that she might be pregnant. I tried to hold myself back and obviously felt her anxiety. Two days before the trip, the test came back positive in the morning – I was overjoyed, barely able to contain my happiness. She said she didn’t want to have children, but if she ever did, it would be for me. She was infinitely happy – it was one of the most beautiful days of my life. Two days later she repeated the test, the line was already fainter, and by the third day it was negative, and then her period came.

We accepted that this had happened and didn’t push the topic. Life returned to normal, then came the trip in early May – that went really well too.

We came back, and then she got very sick – she was bedridden for almost 10 days, coughing, poor thing was really suffering. I was there with her every day, trying to support and help her. I asked what she needed – she didn’t really ask for much, she just got on with it, didn’t need anything.

Then after she recovered, she told me that the pregnancy had taken an enormous emotional toll on her, that it had been traumatic, and that since recovering from the illness her hair had been falling out terribly and her joints were aching. She felt that the whole thing had so destroyed her body that she didn’t want children at all. She also said she understood that I had prepared my whole life to be in the role of a father, and asked what my answer was. I didn’t need to think long – I knew I wanted her, not necessarily a child from her. I told her that was fine.

In that same conversation I asked her how she saw our relationship, what her thoughts were. She said she couldn’t answer that right now. I didn’t see this as any kind of sign at the time, and accepted it.

Another two weeks passed – in the meantime everything was hugs, kisses, morning messages, dinners together, morning coffees, evening meetups.

Her dog had surgery, so we were looking after the dog – you can’t go out much at those times. Over the weekend I went to a bachelor party, which she was really happy about. She always said she was happy to be alone, that I should go out with my friends and have fun. Saturday evening, a heart emoji and a kiss: have a good time, everything is fine. But Sunday the communication was already very different.

I came home, tried to hug and kiss her like I always do – she pulled her head away. She told me to sit down, and then she began.

She wants to break up with me, because when she told me she didn’t want to have children, I immediately – or at least very quickly – said I accepted it. She said I wasn’t being honest with myself, because someone who has spent their whole life preparing for that role doesn’t change their mind that quickly.

She also said she felt I wasn’t over my previous relationship, and that because of this anxiety I was trying to control our relationship through my constant need for affection.

She also said she didn’t feel the whole thing was spontaneous, and that’s why she was breaking up with me.

I received all of this with complete incomprehension. Everything had been going so well up until then, and she was the one who had started those conversations about planning our future together – I was naturally a willing partner in all of it.

I stood there completely bewildered, stunned and surprised. I tried to argue my case, and then she blurted it out: she wasn’t in love with me, and never had been. She cared about me deeply, could only say good things about me, nothing bad – I had genuinely done nothing wrong.

I pleaded with her for a long time to at least consider it. In my view we worked really well together, the whole thing had been great, and she had never once said a word about anything bothering her – even though we had agreed to always speak up if something wasn’t right, and above all that we would always be honest with each other about everything.

But she saw no point in continuing. She wasn’t in love with me, and I shouldn’t try to “negotiate” with her. She said she couldn’t give me what I needed, and that she felt guilty about it. She also didn’t want me to live on scraps. I told her that I would be the one to decide what was enough or too much for me – I was completely happy with her even if she could give less of herself.

She wouldn’t agree for a long time, then suddenly said, okay, fine. I thanked her, and asked if she’d like me to leave – she answered yes.

Then she walked into the bedroom, where all my clothes that had been at her place, along with my things, books, and belongings, were already packed into bags, and my key was laid out ready. She asked for her key back.

As a farewell she hugged me, and I kissed her face many times, emotionally. Then I asked her whether I hoped what I said had been clear, and had reached where I intended – her heart. She said she didn’t know, she still needed to think it over.

Since then, no contact from her side. And I am completely stunned, feeling such an emptiness inside me that I don’t know what to do with it. For half a year everything was perfect, we were already talking about a home together, children, a shared dog, travels – and then suddenly this. She also mentioned that in recent times she had already had to force herself to be present in the relationship.

Hi everyone,

my girlfriend broke up with me last Sunday.

The short story: we started dating in December, everything went really well, we understood each other perfectly, laughed a lot, had similar cultural interests and hobbies – a classic getting-to-know-each-other situation. She’s 34, I’m 41.

We reached the point where we were meeting almost every day regularly. Of course, factoring in timing, sometimes she needed a little space or wasn’t available, and same for me – so I would say things were progressing in a healthy way. Apart from one small disagreement that involved a few days apart and a reconciliation, everything was going perfectly. After making up, she told me that from her side, things were now official and serious.

We started planning our lives together. She told me she wasn’t necessarily able to have children – due to endometriosis – and wasn’t sure she wanted to either. She said she didn’t want to sell me a false picture. I told her that was fine, that I wanted her more than I wanted children. The weeks and months passed, and we went on a trip together in early May.

A few days before the trip she told me her period was late and that she might be pregnant. I tried to hold myself back and obviously felt her anxiety. Two days before the trip, the test came back positive in the morning – I was overjoyed, barely able to contain my happiness. She said she didn’t want to have children, but if she ever did, it would be for me. She was infinitely happy – it was one of the most beautiful days of my life. Two days later she repeated the test, the line was already fainter, and by the third day it was negative, and then her period came.

We accepted that this had happened and didn’t push the topic. Life returned to normal, then came the trip in early May – that went really well too.

We came back, and then she got very sick – she was bedridden for almost 10 days, coughing, poor thing was really suffering. I was there with her every day, trying to support and help her. I asked what she needed – she didn’t really ask for much, she just got on with it, didn’t need anything.

Then after she recovered, she told me that the pregnancy had taken an enormous emotional toll on her, that it had been traumatic, and that since recovering from the illness her hair had been falling out terribly and her joints were aching. She felt that the whole thing had so destroyed her body that she didn’t want children at all. She also said she understood that I had prepared my whole life to be in the role of a father, and asked what my answer was. I didn’t need to think long – I knew I wanted her, not necessarily a child from her. I told her that was fine.

In that same conversation I asked her how she saw our relationship, what her thoughts were. She said she couldn’t answer that right now. I didn’t see this as any kind of sign at the time, and accepted it.

Another two weeks passed – in the meantime everything was hugs, kisses, morning messages, dinners together, morning coffees, evening meetups.

Her dog had surgery, so we were looking after the dog – you can’t go out much at those times. Over the weekend I went to a bachelor party, which she was really happy about. She always said she was happy to be alone, that I should go out with my friends and have fun. Saturday evening, a heart emoji and a kiss: have a good time, everything is fine. But Sunday the communication was already very different.

I came home, tried to hug and kiss her like I always do – she pulled her head away. She told me to sit down, and then she began.

She wants to break up with me, because when she told me she didn’t want to have children, I immediately – or at least very quickly – said I accepted it. She said I wasn’t being honest with myself, because someone who has spent their whole life preparing for that role doesn’t change their mind that quickly.

She also said she felt I wasn’t over my previous relationship, and that because of this anxiety I was trying to control our relationship through my constant need for affection.

She also said she didn’t feel the whole thing was spontaneous, and that’s why she was breaking up with me.

I received all of this with complete incomprehension. Everything had been going so well up until then, and she was the one who had started those conversations about planning our future together – I was naturally a willing partner in all of it.

I stood there completely bewildered, stunned and surprised. I tried to argue my case, and then she blurted it out: she wasn’t in love with me, and never had been. She cared about me deeply, could only say good things about me, nothing bad – I had genuinely done nothing wrong.

I pleaded with her for a long time to at least consider it. In my view we worked really well together, the whole thing had been great, and she had never once said a word about anything bothering her – even though we had agreed to always speak up if something wasn’t right, and above all that we would always be honest with each other about everything.

But she saw no point in continuing. She wasn’t in love with me, and I shouldn’t try to “negotiate” with her. She said she couldn’t give me what I needed, and that she felt guilty about it. She also didn’t want me to live on scraps. I told her that I would be the one to decide what was enough or too much for me – I was completely happy with her even if she could give less of herself.

She wouldn’t agree for a long time, then suddenly said, okay, fine. I thanked her, and asked if she’d like me to leave – she answered yes.

Then she walked into the bedroom, where all my clothes that had been at her place, along with my things, books, and belongings, were already packed into bags, and my key was laid out ready. She asked for her key back.

As a farewell she hugged me, and I kissed her face many times, emotionally. Then I asked her whether I hoped what I said had been clear, and had reached where I intended – her heart. She said she didn’t know, she still needed to think it over.

Since then, no contact from her side. And I am completely stunned, feeling such an emptiness inside me that I don’t know what to do with it. For half a year everything was perfect, we were already talking about a home together, children, a shared dog, travels – and then suddenly this. She also mentioned that in recent times she had already had to force herself to be present in the relationship.

Hi everyone,

my girlfriend broke up with me last Sunday.

The short story: we started dating in December, everything went really well, we understood each other perfectly, laughed a lot, had similar cultural interests and hobbies – a classic getting-to-know-each-other situation. She’s 34, I’m 41.

We reached the point where we were meeting almost every day regularly. Of course, factoring in timing, sometimes she needed a little space or wasn’t available, and same for me – so I would say things were progressing in a healthy way. Apart from one small disagreement that involved a few days apart and a reconciliation, everything was going perfectly. After making up, she told me that from her side, things were now official and serious.

We started planning our lives together. She told me she wasn’t necessarily able to have children – due to endometriosis – and wasn’t sure she wanted to either. She said she didn’t want to sell me a false picture. I told her that was fine, that I wanted her more than I wanted children. The weeks and months passed, and we went on a trip together in early May.

A few days before the trip she told me her period was late and that she might be pregnant. I tried to hold myself back and obviously felt her anxiety. Two days before the trip, the test came back positive in the morning – I was overjoyed, barely able to contain my happiness. She said she didn’t want to have children, but if she ever did, it would be for me. She was infinitely happy – it was one of the most beautiful days of my life. Two days later she repeated the test, the line was already fainter, and by the third day it was negative, and then her period came.

We accepted that this had happened and didn’t push the topic. Life returned to normal, then came the trip in early May – that went really well too.

We came back, and then she got very sick – she was bedridden for almost 10 days, coughing, poor thing was really suffering. I was there with her every day, trying to support and help her. I asked what she needed – she didn’t really ask for much, she just got on with it, didn’t need anything.

Then after she recovered, she told me that the pregnancy had taken an enormous emotional toll on her, that it had been traumatic, and that since recovering from the illness her hair had been falling out terribly and her joints were aching. She felt that the whole thing had so destroyed her body that she didn’t want children at all. She also said she understood that I had prepared my whole life to be in the role of a father, and asked what my answer was. I didn’t need to think long – I knew I wanted her, not necessarily a child from her. I told her that was fine.

In that same conversation I asked her how she saw our relationship, what her thoughts were. She said she couldn’t answer that right now. I didn’t see this as any kind of sign at the time, and accepted it.

Another two weeks passed – in the meantime everything was hugs, kisses, morning messages, dinners together, morning coffees, evening meetups.

Her dog had surgery, so we were looking after the dog – you can’t go out much at those times. Over the weekend I went to a bachelor party, which she was really happy about. She always said she was happy to be alone, that I should go out with my friends and have fun. Saturday evening, a heart emoji and a kiss: have a good time, everything is fine. But Sunday the communication was already very different.

I came home, tried to hug and kiss her like I always do – she pulled her head away. She told me to sit down, and then she began.

She wants to break up with me, because when she told me she didn’t want to have children, I immediately – or at least very quickly – said I accepted it. She said I wasn’t being honest with myself, because someone who has spent their whole life preparing for that role doesn’t change their mind that quickly.

She also said she felt I wasn’t over my previous relationship, and that because of this anxiety I was trying to control our relationship through my constant need for affection.

She also said she didn’t feel the whole thing was spontaneous, and that’s why she was breaking up with me.

I received all of this with complete incomprehension. Everything had been going so well up until then, and she was the one who had started those conversations about planning our future together – I was naturally a willing partner in all of it.

I stood there completely bewildered, stunned and surprised. I tried to argue my case, and then she blurted it out: she wasn’t in love with me, and never had been. She cared about me deeply, could only say good things about me, nothing bad – I had genuinely done nothing wrong.

I pleaded with her for a long time to at least consider it. In my view we worked really well together, the whole thing had been great, and she had never once said a word about anything bothering her – even though we had agreed to always speak up if something wasn’t right, and above all that we would always be honest with each other about everything.

But she saw no point in continuing. She wasn’t in love with me, and I shouldn’t try to “negotiate” with her. She said she couldn’t give me what I needed, and that she felt guilty about it. She also didn’t want me to live on scraps. I told her that I would be the one to decide what was enough or too much for me – I was completely happy with her even if she could give less of herself.

She wouldn’t agree for a long time, then suddenly said, okay, fine. I thanked her, and asked if she’d like me to leave – she answered yes.

Then she walked into the bedroom, where all my clothes that had been at her place, along with my things, books, and belongings, were already packed into bags, and my key was laid out ready. She asked for her key back.

As a farewell she hugged me, and I kissed her face many times, emotionally. Then I asked her whether I hoped what I said had been clear, and had reached where I intended – her heart. She said she didn’t know, she still needed to think it over.

Since then, no contact from her side. And I am completely stunned, feeling such an emptiness inside me that I don’t know what to do with it. For half a year everything was perfect, we were already talking about a home together, children, a shared dog, travels – and then suddenly this. She also mentioned that in recent times she had already had to force herself to be present in the relationship.

Sziasztok,

vasárnap szakított velem a barátnőm.

A rövid sztori: decemberben kezdtünk el randizni, minden nagyon jól alakult, nagyon jól értettük egymást, sokat röhögtünk, hasonló volt a kulturális érdeklődési körünk – klasszikus ismerkedés volt. 34 éves nő, én 41 éves férfi.

Eljutottunk addig a pontig, hogy majdnem minden nap rendszeresen találkoztunk. Persze az időket beleszámítva volt, hogy neki kellett egy kis idő, vagy nem ért rá, meg nekem is – szóval azt mondanám, hogy egészségesen haladt a dolog. Egy apró különbséget leszámítva, ami pár nap szünettel és egy kibéküléssel járt, tökéletesen ment minden. A békülés után mondta nekem, hogy mostantól ez részéről hivatalos és komoly.

Elkezdtük tervezgetni az életet. Mondta, hogy nem feltétlenül képes gyereket szülni – endometriózis – és nem feltétlenül akar is. Azt mondta, nem akar zsákbamacskát árulni. Mondtam, hogy rendben van, nekem jobban kell ő, mint a gyerek. Teltek-múltak a hetek, hónapok, közös nyaralás május elején.

Pár nappal az utazás előtt mondta, hogy késik a baja, és lehet, hogy terhes. Próbáltam visszafogni magam, és nyilván átéreztem az aggodalmát. Az utazás előtt két nappal reggel pozitív lett a teszt – én nagyon örültem, alig bírtam visszafogni az örömömet. Ő pedig azt mondta, hogy nem akar gyereket szülni, de ha valakinek, akkor nekem fog. Végtelenül boldog volt – életem egyik legszebb napja volt. Két napra megismételte a tesztet, ott már halványabb volt a csík, harmadik napra pedig negatív lett, és aztán meg is jött a baja.

Elfogadtuk, hogy ez így volt, nem erőltettük a témát. Visszatért a normális élet, aztán jött a nyaralás május elején – az is tök jól sikerült.

Visszajöttünk, majd nagyon beteg lett, majdnem 10 napig csak feküdt, köhögött, szegény nagyon szarul volt. Én ott voltam vele minden nap, igyekeztem támogatni és segíteni. Kérdeztem, mit kér – nem nagyon kért semmit, elvolt, nem volt szüksége semmire.

Majd miután jobban lett, mondta, hogy a terhesség iszonyatosan megviselte lelkileg, traumája volt, és hogy a betegség elmúlása óta iszonyatosan hullik a haja és fájnak az ízületei. Úgy gondolja, hogy ez a dolog annyira tönkretette a testét, hogy egyáltalán nem akar gyereket. Azt is mondta, megérti, hogy én egész életemben apa szerepre készültem, és hogy mit válaszolok erre. Sokat nem kellett gondolkodnom – tudtam, hogy őt akarom, nem feltétlenül a gyereket tőle. Mondtam, rendben van.

Ugyanebben a beszélgetésben rákérdeztem, hogy a mi kapcsolatunkat hogyan látja, mi a véleménye. Ott azt mondta, erre most nem tud válaszolni. Ezt akkor még nem láttam semmilyen jelnek, elfogadtam.

Eltelt még két hét – közben minden bújás, puszi, reggeli üzenetek, közös vacsora, közös kávézás reggelenként, este találkozó együtt.

Megműtötték a kutyáját, kutyára figyeltünk – ilyenkor nem lehet sokat kimozdulni. Hétvégén elmentem egy legénybúcsúra, aminek tök örült. Mindig mondta, hogy ő szívesen van egyedül, menjek nyugodtan a barátaimmal, szórakozzak. Szombat este szívecskés puszi: érezzem jól magam, minden rendben van. Vasárnap viszont már nagyon más volt a kommunikáció.

Hazaértem, próbáltam megölelni és megpuszilni, ahogy mindig szoktam – elhúzta a fejét. Mondta, üljek le, és akkor elkezdte.

Szakítani akar velem, mert amikor mondta, hogy nem akar gyereket vállalni, én azonnal – vagy legalábbis nagyon hamar – rávágtam, hogy elfogadom. Azt mondta, nem vagyok tisztában önmagammal, hiszen aki egész életében egy ilyen szerepre készül, az nem változtatja meg ilyen gyorsan a véleményét.

Aztán azt is mondta, hogy azt érzi, hogy az előző kapcsolatomból még nem vagyok túl, és ezért a szorongásom miatt megpróbálom kontrollálni a mi kapcsolatunkat a folyamatos szeretetigényemmel.

Azt is mondta, hogy nem érzi spontánnak az egészet, és ezért szakít velem.

Én ezt értetlenül fogadtam. Eddig minden olyan jól alakult, és ő kezdte azokat a beszélgetéseket, amelyek a közös jövőt tervezgették – én természetesen szívesen partner voltam benne.

Értetlenül, ledöbbenve és meglepetten álltam az egész előtt. Próbáltam érvelni, és akkor kibökte: nem szerelmes belém, és nem is volt. Nagyon szeret, csak jót tud mondani rólam, semmi rosszat – igazából semmi hibát nem vétettem.

Nagyon sokáig kérleltem, hogy legalább fontolja meg. Szerintem tök jól együttműködünk, tök jó volt az egész, és egyszer sem mondta egy szóval sem, hogy valami nem tetszik neki – pedig megbeszéltük, hogy mindig szólunk, ha valami nincs rendben, és főleg, hogy mindig őszinték leszünk egymással.

De ennek nem látja értelmét, hogy folytassuk. Nem szerelmes belém, és ne próbáljam vele “üzletelni”. Azt mondta, nem tudja megadni nekem azt, amire igényem van, és ezért rossz a lelkiismerete. Azt sem akarja, hogy morzsákból éljek. Mondtam neki, hogy ezt majd én döntöm el, mi az, ami elég vagy sok – teljesen boldog vagyok vele akkor is, ha kevesebbet tud adni magából.

Nagyon sokáig nem egyezett bele, egyszer csak azt mondta, jó, rendben. Ekkor megköszöntem, és megkérdeztem, szeretné-e, hogy menjek – azt válaszolta, hogy igen.

Majd besétált a hálószobába, ahol már az összes ruhám, ami eddig nála volt, meg a dolgaim, könyveim, tárgyaim táskákba össze voltak rakva, illetve a kulcscsomó előkészítve. Visszakérte a kulcsát.

Búcsúzóul megölelt, és én nagyon sokszor, érzelmesen megpusziltam az arcát. Majd megkérdeztem, hogy remélem, érthető volt, amit mondtam, és eljutott oda, ahova szántam – a szívéhez. Azt mondta, nem tudja, még át kell gondolnia.

Azóta semmi kontakt részéről. Én pedig teljesen le vagyok döbbenve, és olyan szintű ürességet érzek magamban, hogy nem tudok mit kezdeni vele. Fél évig minden a legnagyobb rendben volt, már közös otthonról, gyerekről, közös kutyáról, utazásokról beszélgettünk – egyszer csak ez. Annyit is mondott még, hogy az utóbbi időben már meg kellett erőltetnie magát, hogy a kapcsolatban jelen legyen.