u/kfiegz

TDLR: My almost 5yo daughter always needs to be with someone and seems to be getting worse. Basically she refuses to ever be alone. The only time I can get her to be by herself for more than a few minutes is having a treat or watching TV. I need strategies to teach her that being alone is OK and fun. Help!!!

Background: My daughter is 4yr 9mo. She is a tender child, funny, smart, adventurous etc. She has had typical development and a pleasant childhood so far. She has attended daycare ever since she was 6mo old and receives positive feedback from the staff.

She has slept in her own room ever since she was 1yo. She is a great sleeper once she is down, but starting around 3yo, she had a LOT of trouble going to bed.

She has many relationships in her life, we live in a family friendly neighborhood and are socially active. When she was little, our world may have revolved around her a little too much (she the oldest) but now we have twin 1yos, she's going to be entering kindergarten soon and she needs to be more independent.

The Problem: When we are home as a family, she REFUSES to ever be alone in a room. She needs an adult paying attention to her AT ALL TIMES. She won't play alone or look at books. We got her a Yoto Player and she only wants to listen to stories WITH a grownup. If she is in the dining room with food while I am prepared my own plate, she can't barely stay seated for a minute before coming and talking to me or dad (these rooms are connected by an open door). She knows how to get herself dressed, brush teeth etc, but typically requires an adult in the room for company. If one adult is too busy to pay attention to her, she immediately finds another adult. She's like a heat-seeking missile.

She follows us from room to room, even if we tell her we are only stepping away for a moment. It is exhausting and seems to slowly be getting worse instead of better. When it is bedtime, we do our same routine (pjs, stories, brush teeth, stories/song, lights out) and typically all her delay tactics center around keeping us with her as long as possible. When we talk about it, she claims that she never ever ever wants to be alone.

It seems like dopamine seeking behavior? Like all she wants is for an adult to be engaged with her, which we do ALL THE TIME, hours upon hours on weekends. Lots of quality time. We walk to and from daycare together every day and talk to her, then eat family dinner together every night. Often grandma comes over and also gives her focused attention. We are not on our phones much around her and there isn't a lot of screen time in the house.

The only thing that can distract her is even higher-dopamine activities like TV or treats.

My husband and I both have typical office jobs, we have very predictable 8-5 schedules and have a very warm/loving relationship. There is no history of abandonment, death, trauma, stressors, etc. This behavior was not exacerbated by having the babies- in fact, she will sometimes consider them "company" and play in the same room for a couple minutes before needing adult attention again.

How do a prevent this from becoming any more co-dependent. I need her to be able to play alone for 30 minutes, and not see it as punishment or a crisis. Currently she refuses to stay in any room without an adult, and we can't lock her in her room (as much as I wish I could).

PLEASE HELP.