u/labasuradecasa

My mental health has always been at play. I’ve been a person who would almost always easily burn out. I haven’t really burned out for over 2-3 years. Actually I’ve been on one of my best productive peaks after maybe 8 years. I feel like I’m falling through some cracks and I’ve rested so much during summer so I don’t understand why I feel even lazier now starting uni. I feel so scared and pressuring myself a lot over some workload I didn’t expect to pile up on the first week back. I feel so depressed and insecure. I really love having ambition and working hard. It gives me a sense of control and worth. I do it because I want to and right now I don’t want to. I might just be depressed and stressed that this will be another tedious semester. I really want to push through and get over it. I’m doing my first all nighter because I can’t get myself to finish some work that’s pending and due for tomorrow!!!! I have other big responsibilities and completely freaking out over some imaginary pressure. I don’t know how people expect for one to organize one’s stuff when one is so deep in a dark hole. Everytime someone asks how I’m doing i can feel a part of me just very empty, cold, and sad seeping through my pores so I quickly answer that I’m fine so we can get over it. I sometimes complain to people or friends and when they’re receptive positively, I get scared. I’m bottling all my feelings up with people because I’m actually a mess. Hard work has been a front, a distraction, and a reason to just keep going.

I used to be obsessed with other people’s opinions of me and their validation meant the world to me, until I watched The Pitt and started crushing on Santos. If I’m depressed and slacking, I just pretend I know Santos personally and that I’m aiming to be liked by her so I have to motivate myself to start shit. I want Santos to be real, not just Isa Briones, but really Santos.

I can’t get this show out of my head. I need more episodes or I might just find ways of becoming an irl patient to an irl hospital or better yet an irl ER. I could never be a nurse or a doctor, I would fail every science test back in school. The Pitt is everything to me at the moment. Sometimes I see irl doctors and I’m fangirling over them. I wish Santos were real.

I have a lot of favorite patients, but I really loved the baseball fan Roberto (like Roberto Clemente). I’m Puerto Rican and even though there was an actual Puerto Rican actress in season 1 that everyone knows about, I thought Roberto was the funniest patient ever plus I felt represented with Clemente.

There were other sad cases that really resonated with me, but they’re far too triggering. I think I’ll never stop thinking about Roberto. That episode and scene made my day.

Recently I’ve started to notice how my brain works after an emotional trauma I went through 4 years ago. I had to take a lot of meds and I used substances to a bad extent. I don’t use meds anymore and I barely ever drink. I do my best to stay healthy and stable, but sometimes I notice how out of it I can be. On my good days, I see life very differently vs my bad days, but not only that, I can feel my memory ruptured, distorted and foggy. Point is, sometimes I can’t recognize myself nor can remember a lot of things. I have huge memory gaps from the last 4 years and the things I used to vividly remember from my younger years have turned more into facts I know but not really remember like I used to. I’m so scared. My goal in life is to study my brain off to create neural pathways and go back to a better state. I often think about if I’m actually alive or if my consciousness is enough to be considered human, as in present, because I don’t have a good notion of memory or time. Two weeks from now I’ll feel a whole different consciousness from today. I wonder if as a child I was more alive and present. Is this fixable?

I was so surprised when I watched the first season and saw Fiona, only to realize her father (being the guy who plays Chucky), and the kid who plays David are a Chucky cast. Not only that but Isa Briones’ brother was also on the Chucky series. There probably has to be someone else (or maybe not), but I’m so obsessed with this Easter egg as someone who really loves horror and misses the Chucky series. That being said, The Pitt is such an amazing show, I’m so severely obsessed and parasocial with it at the moment.

Edit: Yes I’m fully aware that Fiona was in the Chucky franchise and series!!! I adore her!!!