u/labjewels

just retiring from ryan's after dark stream where he talked about random artists for the last hour. dude has:
- no comment on morgan wallen,
- a deep love for tyler childers, and
- knowledge of ethel cain, "i like some of the ethel cain songs"
huge win for the woke mob

i had saved a lot of them over time when he said sweet things or talked about our future. just over 2 weeks out and this feels like it's reopened the wound more than any other steps i've taken since he left. just launching myself back into the "how could he say all of this, maintain that he meant it, and still just walk away?" all the messages about "my friend asked when we're getting married," "can you move in already so we never have to be apart," blah blah mf blah.
i know that i will never understand because i would've never done it to him. but accepting something i don't understand is like... antithetical to my entire existence and who i am as a person. so it feels literally impossible.
things do get just a little easier every day, i'll admit. i consider myself a very strong person and a breakup has never hit me as hard as this one before. i know that i will be a completely different person when i'm past this, one who knows that someone can be everything i ever wanted in a partner and still not be the one for me. and it's so scary. i don't know how i will ever open up again, feeling like i'm just inviting this to happen again.
i'm sure i'm repeating things everyone else has said a million times over, but that's my vent. lord knows my friends are tired of hearing me be sad about it, so i came here instead.