u/ladybug_c

I was shutting myself in from around the beginning of this year. I do this a lot and I've done this before. But almost 5 months of isolating was a new low. Never really went out except for sometimes college or interviews, even that was rarely. My mental health worsened to a point I lost any of the friends I had, even online ones in games etc. Completely stopped all contact with anyone. I had deleted instagram and all that stuff like a year back anyway. Well, if I think about it I was kinda isolating from back in 2025 but it was not completely like shutting myself in. It was a gradual change maybe that's why no one cared that much.

This idea of isolating and eventually killing myself was stuck in my head. I mean I had it planned out mostly. Even though the plan was kind of stupid but I'm m not a rational person when I get like that.

I don't know what got into me yesterday I just started to miss her terribly after writing in my diary. She has been my friend for almost a decade. I think what I have with her I don't want to lose because I really have no one in my life. I'm so grateful that she still cares for me. She knows a little bit of what I'm going through and is not judgmental at all. I'm so happy but also anxious that I'll be meeting her today. I might have a public breakdown when I meet her it's been so long.

She's the only one who wants nothing from me, all the other relationships I had even my own parents are conditional. She's the only one who'll still be my friend no matter how unsuccessful, stupid or ugly I get.

This is a story from back in 4th grade and I just remember it every time i see a spider.

I used to get bullied back then. My bully locked me from outside the washroom, right around the time school had ended and we had to catch the school bus. So I was just there banging on the door and crying like a kid, because I guess I was a kid.

Finally the janitor came in and found me. I had missed my school bus. They helped me tell a teacher and call up my parents but they couldn't pick me up because they were both working and far away.

Then I was just waiting for the bus to come back because they said they'd help me get home. I was under a tree and i think I yawned? and a spider fell in my mouth which i spat in my hand. I wasn't cool back then so I was very scared and grossed out. Now I really like spiders although i wouldn't want them in my mouth.

The bus came and the driver asked me about what had happened and i explained to him about the bully. He said that I shouldn't worry. It was really cool that I got to ride back home on an empty bus. It was very kind of them.

I have HP Pavilion AMD Ryzen 5 8gb ram graphics GTX 1650TI

I have it since around 2021, it has blue screened randomly ( maybe once in 3-4 months )

I've changed the fans. And the paste. This is the first time after a while it has blue screened. I turned it on and it's working fine. Is there anything I have to do to prevent it from doing it or should I just continue using it?

Let's see I'll try to update once I'm out i have a feeling it will be disastrous but a little bit of hope but let's see

In around 30 mins its my turn then I'll be out in 30 let's see I'm so freaking anxious and I don't really have anyone or my journal with me here so just rambling

UPDATE MY STOMACH IS KILLING ME AND I WANNA PUKE I DIDNT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE IM SCARED OF PUKING IT UP

It's lesser than 30 mins because the girl called got called in I have to set some things up and I'm in the washroom AA

I think pretty close to my turn in so scared helphelphekwopwpapapaooaoaoaoakka

It will be okay i think but I'm just trying to be calm I hope i don't forget anything