u/lavendarmuffin

Trying to join army as financial safety net if get divorced from husband. My income is so pathetic compared to his but we still struggle to pay the bills with his obligations to family abroad and immigration complications. I want to pursue my cdl, since supported him and his dreams since we both were in awful housing situations and jobs. I cannot turn my feelings back on for him. Yes I love him but I am afraid of him too. He accuses me of using him for money. If I am quitting the job i have had longer than known him with no financial savings or safety net, only doing so to get my cdl. He is truck driver. I am suppose to leave for MEPS tomorrow and he accused me of cheating on him because a couple met once came over, and took a picture of her husband playing with out dog. Have even shared this photo with relatives, and us going to a public facility as group for paintball. This photo has been shared with my husband's sister too. I need a skill and cannot keep living like this. If always complaining about money to able bodied adults incase God forbid something happened to his health and my in-laws relying on him financially abroad. Get CDl and pay back in payments+ MOS with monthly commitment, or leave this relationship after filing i-30 and do a 4-6 year contract starting life over. Extreme , I know. He threw a chair because asked him to clean up afyer himself and woke me up when have MEPS, because "I do not love him" smacking/shaking me awake. I have only damaged his life and he could have had his immigration complete by now in California court versus coming here to live with me. "asylum" . I wonder not because want another partner, but what a healthy relationship feels like. If I go through the motions , I am "faking" my love for him, if I withdraw, I do not love him and there must be another man. I recently had miscarriage, and afraid of physical intimacy since and dealt with it alone , no family or him around. What can I do to keep the mental fortitude to follow through without shattering. I have nothing to show for the last 3 years. No friends , family, child, a better job and do not want to be useless. if do active, contracts that translate well into civilian jobs suggestions are appreciated