u/lesbiankarenwheeler

trigger warning, I also might sound like venting and I'm sorry if I do I'm trying to provide information so I know y'all know what I'm talking about 😭

I found out I might have ocd and my therapist confirmed it but I'm still yet to be professionaly diagnosed by a psychiatrist (having to wait for an appointment for months is hell omfg 💔) and it in fact was an obsession of mine but it later went away whenever I calmed myself down/got reassured that I'm valid and then it randomly came that "what if I actually don't have ocd?" and research about it and then it goes away again lmao

!!just so we're clear I'm not in this state rn I'm 99% (not 100% because I'm not a doctor lmao) sure I do have ocd and am not overthinking not having it/faking it but I'm just confused because I searched and there's NO information about that (or I just have terrible luck lmao) 😭😭

I only read that obsessions can shift and last shortly but I feel like everyone else has at least one this big main obsession and I don't 😭 (or at least I'm unaware of it lol)

my therapist told me that my biggest obsession is that I'm" overthinking every thought I have" (or something along those lines) and I don't even know if it's 100% true because I lowkey have no idea what an obsession is supposed to be, especially that I don't really have compulsions, at least not severe or visible ones 😭

like please explain to my autistic little brain what exactly are obsessions?? and not the "it has to be persistent and make you anxious/fearful" and stuff because I already know it but I'm still confused what is/can be considered an obsession and what is not (especially that I have audhd too AND an anxiety disorder (though it's some "other mixed anxiety disorders" that has symptoms of other disorders but not strong enough to be diagnosed separately and it includes ocd so idk if it doesn't cross it out or if I just have generalized anxiety disorder of what (just to be clear I didn't talk to that psychiatrist about any ocd symptoms and I had no idea a lot of stuff I have are symptoms so it's not that I just have some symptoms of ocd, she was just diagnosing based on what she knew, I just asked her for an anxiety disorder diagnosis because I and everyone else around me knew I had it and it was also an obsession of mine at that time and I needed to get a diagnosis on paper lol)) so it might sometimes overlap, for example I cannot tell you if some of my behaviours are from autism or adhd or are a symptom of both 😭).

I know obsessions are supposed to, well, be obsessive and the topic is supposed to make you anxious.

for example my jealousy issues kinda made a comeback and I randomly got worried that my relationship with my best friend was slowly getting worse and worse (even though it literally wasn't wtf 😭 I literally saw her yesterday for my bday, we're long distance and basically I'm calm about it now) and I couldn't stop thinking about it or it would come back after a short while and it only went away after reassurance (I just straight up asked her at like 1 or 2 am if I'm still her #1 friend and she said I am and I feel so embarrassed of it rn because I feel like I'm toxic or smth 😭) and lately I was on my period and had a terrible day and made a shit storm over nothing and she was texting in some idk weird (for my brain) way and also similarly to my old friend who was literally a bully and all and it kinda activated that fear again and I had to talk to my mom because I was genuinely unable to study because she didn't text me back yet (I later got over it, it's a standard for me – being dramatic and then realizing it's not even that deep/I am overdramatizing –and stopped giving a fuck lol). maybe the argument thing was just a random mental breakdown rather than have something to do with ocd but the first one, I literally couldn't sleep because of it 😭 is this considered an ocd obsession??

another thing, I get intrusive thoughts but, usually not always tho, they go away easily, especially that I have adhd so me randomly getting distracted by literally anything is a life-saver 🙏🙏 but basically I have/had some reccuring ones but, as I said, I could distract myself at the moment and after a while they would just go away (for example, TW!!!, images (like in my head) of >!biting concrete!< or, last year, >!sticking nail scissors (or sometimes it was something else but yk sharp) in the eye!<, the most often one that I still have from time to time is >!jumping off something!<)

but some time ago I had this like idk attack? of intrusive thoughts about, TW AGAIN!!! mentioned earlier, >!jumping off something!< and I was also half asleep (normally I would 99% do something about it like at least get up from my bed and go talk to my mom or idk distract myself with something, anything) and I don't even know how long it lasted but I was genuinely afraid I was gonna >!go on my balcony (I don't even know how to get the mosquito/insect net up btw lmao 😭) and jump off it!<, MIND YOU death is like my #1 fear 😭 and when I was on a cruise in summer 2023 I had intrusive thoughts about >!jumping out the boat!< and god it was hell I don't remember much aside from that I was spending time on my phone a lot but I was stressed asf

and like, that ↑↑↑, I know is an obsession but it's not like I have "harm ocd" or any major obsession with death, I mean a lot (?? I can't even tell lmao I'm sorry I have trouble with describing things propperly between, for example, often and sometimes 💔 like I need to know WHAT EXACTLY is considered often/sometimes plus I have terrible memory when it comes to telling when something happened if I don't know a specific date like idk a party or smth rememberable) of my obsessions are related to death or harm but I'm not having them 24/7 and sometimes I just feel like I'm not having ANY obsession at the moment, though I know it's probably not true

for example, I don't know if I had any obsessions that I knew were obsessions, but I was just fact-checking/googling everything I said, especially on the internet like reddit for example, and I still often check if I'm wrong but I'm not stressed about it anymore yk and it probably was obsessed with that but wasn't aware it was an obsession 😭

also idk if I don't have a, one of those major ones, obsession with being made fun of/bullied again/humiliated/embarrassed, one of the stuff I do know is an compulsion is that when I'm listening to music on my headphones on the bus, my volume cannot be higher than two times when the bluetooth icon is red (meaning it's loud, idk if y'all know what I'm talking about but idk how to explain it 😭) because I'm scared that someone hears my music and will idk bully me or smth (mostly people my age or also teenagers/anyone other than idk 25+, idgaf about most of adults especially seniors) and even when I know I have it on there I'm checking it "just in case". though I'm ofc trying not to do it and I'm doing it much less than I was before!! 🥹🥹 [proud face]

and basically I was bullied/made fun of (idk if I should consider this bullying, I mean I think it was but I'm not sure if I can call it that like on here because I know people are getting physically harassed and all and idk if I'm not spreading misinformation to someone who doesn't know what I mean/am dramatizing) for most of primary school and I genuinely have trauma from it (this one I'm actually not afraid to say I do because I can be genuinely terrified of my current class while not give a fuck about other years/people judging me and I literally had a panic attack at the beginning of freshman year because I was late for class and was CONVINCED I was gonna get laughed at (especially that I dress alternatively yk) and was genuinely considering changing schools after a MINOR bad situation with my classmate 😭 it's not just that ofc but I'm not gonna yap about it here lmao) and as I said I'm, well yeah, scared of being made fun of/humiliated, especially by my class, and I can overthink every single move I make for example when a teacher is talking about bullying/lgbtq+/anything that has something to do with me that I can get hated for because I'm convinced that everyone is looking at me and associating it with me (ik I sound so self absorbed 😭😭 and also I'm not sure if that's from ocd or if it could be autism) and basically I can't remember everything about this topic rn but yeah I think it might be an obsession of some sort (I'm also thinking about starting an ocd diary of smth where I'd write down my obsessive/intrusive thoughts and compulsions, if I have any or what I think might be a compulsion)(if I do I'll probably show it to the psychiatrist I'm seeing next month, maybe it'll be easier for her to be 100% sure if I do really have ocd or actually don'tz I also hope she asks me questions so we're sure we're understanding each other and she's not misinterpreting me or smth, I was shocked when my previous psychiatrist didn't make me some test or anything for an anxiety disorder even though I was sure I have it and it was obvious because like how are you sure you understand what I mean and I'm not talking about something else?? 😭)

anyway I think that's enough about that lol

I also get random intrusive/weird (I think it's called magical thinking??) thoughts that happens once in a blue moon and goes away quickly and it's even serious, like when listening to music and I'm about to go to sleep or do smth else and I get a random thought (?? it's more like I just do it without overthinking it) that the song I stop on somehow matters (I don't even remember what exactly is my problem when it happens lmao 😭 but sometimes it's just about sad songs/songs about death etc) and I just skip songs until I'm on a song I can stop on and just turn off spotify and everything but as I said it rarely happens, it used to be more often in the past though iirc

but as for "magical thinking" I have this thing that unless I'm making fake scenarios in my head and lip syncing a song as a fictional character or smth (help I'm sorry if I sound cringe idk how to explain it 😭), I sometimes am scared of lip syncing stuff like "I wanna die" etc that it will somehow happen. I used to have it a lot in the past and then not at all and it kinda came back lately and I'm not even sure if it's still so often rn or like once a few songs or days or smth lol. I'm also often scared of writing stuff like "I'm dying" when I'm feeling bad/sick that it'll also do something unless I'm talking to someone and I'm not thinking about it or anything because I'm focused on the conversation (though when texting someone I get a weird feeling about it sometimes) and I'm also NOT afraid of saying "I'm gonna kms" (idk if I'll get banned for saying the whole thing whoops) because I know that I wouldn't never do it due to my fear of death plus I was never in my life suicidal.

and now, is that ↑↑↑ also a part of some kind of obsession?? or what is this??

when I was a kid I had the stereotypical germs obsession for some time (idk if it was a week, weeks, months or what) ans I would wash my hands all the time and make sure everyone else in the house washed their hands after peeing (especially that my younger sister often didn't) and all the stuff yk. I still do ask my sister if she washed her hands sometimes when I don't hear the water/she comes out much too quickly after the flush sound and I get the ick when I see people in school bathroom not washing their hands (though I know that a lot of them goes to smoke and not actually use the toilet) and when there was a water malfunction and there was no water in the sinks I was going insane and asked my mom if I can skip school the next day if they don't fix it yet (she said no 💔) and basically ew and I'm still scared of contamination like I'm scared of touching even bottles of the washing machine products of toilet cleaning products yk and even ask my mom if I can touch it when I need to move them but I'm not having any obsessions about it anymore I think, let alone compulsions (also I can literally not shower for 3 days if I'm at home all the time and I don't find myself gross or whatever I just forget to sometimes or don't have the energy (it's probably the adhd paralysis that's name I don't remember) and I genuinely don't remember that you have to change your pillowcase and duvet cover and yk the bed stuff and my mom has to remind me, same with not remembering about changing my toothbrush to new one (but, hey, at least I remember about brushing my teeth everyday!! I used to have terrible trouble with that) and I usually realize I need a new one when the brush part is going in every direction possible 😭)

I do get obsessed with random things every day too, for example yesterday I was having a conversation (? if you can call it that lol) in comments on different sub and it was kinda stressing me out and I was in car and when I decided to respond a bit later because I wanna listen to music rn I could only think about that and was making arguments for my opinion blah blah and I literally couldn't stop thinking about it unless I was talking to my parents, even when I was playing fucking block blast I was thinking about it 😭

or could a song that was making me uncomfortable (it doesn't anymore, I actually love it) that was playing in my head over and over again be considered an obsession?? like I'm talking about a song that goes "how long do I have left with my dog?" and stuff and I'm scared of death as fuck and for a while it was making me really uncomfortable for a while and it was playing in my head all the time

fun fact I used to completely avoid listening to marina's song "obsessions" because I was scared my obsession with ocd would come back because this song was one of 2 main reasons why I got actually concerned and did research about ocd (and realization hit so bad I woke up my mom at like 2 am begging her to make an appointment for me at my therapist/a psychiatrist, mind you a school night it was 😭😭) I listen to it normally now lmao

I also am terrified of a one specific thing that I'm not going to name here but basically it was popular when I was a kid during the whole creepypasta and granny kinda games era and if that hints you something, it's an asian sculpture... (I'm lowkey scared someone will choose violence today and put a picture of it in the comments 😭😭 PLEASE DON'T) and my mom and my therapist on my last appointment said it might be the root of my anxiety disorder (as in a normal anxiety disorder, not ocd ofc, I just have obsessive/intrusive thoughts about it, of course 🥀🙄) and that it genuinely traumatized me because I have never been so afraid of a thing (other than death or pain/being hurt and stuff or the germs when it was my obsession, probably, idk how scared I was of it) than this because I used to have to sleep with my mom at like 13 for a few nights because I saw it accidentally on tiktok or somewhere and my obsessive thoughts got so bad I couldn't stop thinking about it and basically when my mom was about to show it to my therapist I fucking curled up and covered my eyes/head with my hands and started telling her to turn it off in panic and I'm still shocked that I reacted like that, especially that I'm actually NOT scared of it anymore, like it doesn't look scary to me anymore 😭 I have very vivid imagination and I always had overdramatized versions of it in my head and I'm still terrified of it despite technically not being scared of it anymore and I get obsessive thoughts about it and imagine it in my head (of course in deformed, scary versions) "on purpose" (though I feel like I don't have any control over it, like my brain just does it automatically) when I go to pee at night for example and in random moments too and it usually calms down after a while (I saw it recently on FUCKING PERSONALITY DATABASE APP) but like it still randomly comes just not as severely and I also get intrusive thoughts about searching it up to check if I'm still scared or smth or to just state at it until I'm so used to it I'm not scared anymore and most often it's "what if I type the first few letters of it (it's similar to a few other words but it's also extremely popular) and see if it pops out in the options in the browser and if it does is it just text or with a little icon with a picture" or on other apps and I never actually did it and I hope I don't ever fall for it but yeah 😭😭

okay I think that's enough, I feel like it turned to some kind of vent plus I'm spending too much time on writing on reddit again (in the conversation I mentioned earlier I was writing my, long as fuck, response for over 3 hours ☠️☠️) so yeah I think that's it, I hope I covered everything and said everything I wanted to say

thanks in advance for reading all this shit and helping 🙏🙏😭😭

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