For the first time, a Sunday school lesson left me feeling upset
I see lots of people raging about bad experiences at church and I have not been able to relate until today. Church is mostly benign and people mean well. How bad can it be?
The lesson was on how when bad things happen to you, you still need to keep the commandments. So for example the reasoning goes that in order to receive blessings, you need to follow the commandments. Which infers that if you don’t keep the commandments, you could be putting yourself at risk. But they don’t really say that part because it’s a little karmic. And we were discussing how bad things happen to all people whether you keep the commandments or not. And the teacher was doing a number on being able to somehow shoehorn in the idea of still having the need to keep the commandments regardless.
And it was concerning to me how everyone was just nodding their heads and eating it up. Because if you just take a step back for 2 seconds and think for yourself, you will see that the answer is the same no matter what. If you don’t keep the commandments, and something bad happens to you like a trial or a loss or a health challenge… we’re not gonna necessarily say it’s your fault or that you deserve it, but if you’re seeking some protection in your life, you better consider keeping the commandments. Now on the other hand, if you are already keeping the commandments and something bad happens to you, well now all of a sudden this is a trial of faith, and you need to pass your trial by demonstrating your faith to god by … keeping the commandments. This is deeply problematic.
One person shared I lost my mother but having faith in Jesus helped me get through it. Another person said they were having a health challenge but thankfully they challenged themselves to watch general conference in its entirety, and that helped them get past their trial. Another person passionately recounted elder uchtdorfs talk about when he fell down while skiing and couldn’t get up (oh boo hoo a boomer fell down and this is seriously going into a gen conf talk for the entire world to hear the prophetic message). His grand son came up and said grandpa you can get up now. Just do it now! Each answer my eyes are rolling higher and higher. This is the zombie sleeping walking feeling I get from everyone around me. Am I in the Truman show?
After the hour ended and the person giving the closing prayer finished mumbling the same repeated meaningless church jargon, I was catching up with a good old friend and sharing the bad news of how my younger sibling had unfortunately passed away just last week. Mid conversation an elders quorum member walks up and asks if we’re related or if I’m visiting. Unbeknownst to him, I belong in this ward so he kindly introduced himself and asked what I thought of the lesson. I had already fought very hard to not speak up during the lesson and mercilessly punch some big holes into the lesson front of everyone. But I thought why would I hold back any punches from this gentleman? I don’t even know him.
I said it was terrible, I thought it was very problematic. He wanted to know more so I briefly shared some of the points above. If bad things happen to all of us, how will keeping the commandments benefit us? And if by not keeping the commandments cannot be the direct cause or basis for your hardship, then what is the real detriment to ignoring them? I caught him up on some of the challenges of losing my younger sibling just very recently have been like for my family and I. My sister and I are no longer faithful. My parents are. The details surrounding the incident are especially difficult, it’s not like she suddenly passed away. Suffice to say she’s no longer here and everyone is deeply outraged, confused, and shocked. I explained who is and is not faithful and how the pain is all the same regardless. I said there is an insinuation in the lesson that if you don’t keep the commandments, this is partially the reason why you are experiencing your hardship. But of course no one will argue that my sister deserved to die in the way she did. This is textbook cognitive dissonance. I explained that my faithful father was genuinely at a loss as to why god, who had carried my sister through so many miraculous circumstances up until her adult age, would allow her to leave us in such a tragic and fleeting moment where the doctors could not have predicted things to go. Why would god take her away now and in this way after having sustained her through so many more difficult circumstances leading up to this point? (I didn’t share this detail, but my father is nuanced and felt uselessly futile at the idea of giving her a blessing during when we were questioning if she was going to make it or not) And how does whether someone keeps the commandments or not play into this and whether god is keeping score or who receives which tribulation and why? I explained that even beyond the family’s generic feeling of loss and grief, that my faithful parents in particular are feeling an even sharper and more bitter pain to the point where they cannot work or eat and they cry themselves to sleep at night.
All my buried and emotional feelings are beginning to seep through as I’m explaining all of this to my old friend and new elders quorum member acquaintance. We go back and forth a bit and I could tell that to him, this all made sense and that he was not seeing the cognitive dissonance. My old friend was mostly silent and just wanted to sincerely listen. Finally the elders quorum member interrupts me again and says, “you know what you need to do??” He passionately points to where the tv was during the lesson with his lips pressed together. “You need to do what the brethren have said. Think! Celestial!”
He was totally unironic and serious and genuine. I know he didn’t mean to make things worse and he was only trying to help. But in that instant while I had already felt a little emotional by disclosing some of these terrible details, and while feeling more and more cynical surrounded by zombified members in a cult who are towing the line and unquestioningly repeating all the talking points… amid all this and in response to his little dismissive and unsubstantial quip to “think celestial”, my blood instantly rose and I became truly enraged. And while fighting back tears I said “you know I really don’t need you telling me what to do right now… respectfully… that’s not helpful.”
Things got awkward and we politely dismissed each other. My friend gave me a million more hugs and we laughed off the sad vibes when my kids got back from their classes.
My still-faithful wife and I sad in the car for a long time discussing everything that happened. As well as my interpretation and perspective on all of the above. The night prior, she asked me to come to church with her and our family and now I have left those doors feeling worse than when I entered. She is a great listener and has overall been a tremendous support to my family and I during all of this.
I guess the reason I’m sharing this is just for the sake of sharing. I have shared to here other episodes at church that were mildly infuriating. But this takes the cake. I’ll probably continue to support my wife in the long term. And I really need more friends and I have an opportunity to rebuild an old friendship that has kind of been neglected. I don’t have resentment towards that individual or the church in general. But to those who storm out of the church in tears, I get it now and I can better relate. And yes we are taking steps to get connected with a grieving counselor.
TLDR. No matter what your tribulation is or what your worthiness is or what your faithfulness is, the answer is to always keep the commandments no matter what.