u/livingmydogsbestlife

My 4 year old is an intelligent, funny, and creative child. But she never stops talking and refuses to play independently. She has always been like this despite our best efforts to encourage independent play even for a few minutes at a time. She has a new baby sister which doesn’t help, but this issue predates the baby by a long time.

She goes to a Montessori preschool and they have observed the same thing. While she is independent in wanting to do everything herself like open things, complete a puzzle, put away her outdoor shoes and jacket, etc., she never wants to be alone. She always chooses the partner “work activities” in school. She asks the teachers to watch her do the activity if she’s solo. She does the same thing at home. From when she is home until bedtime, she talks nonstop and doesn’t allow my husband and I to speak to each other. She immediately interrupts every conversation to bring it back to her. When we tell her to wait or that she can hold our hands while she waits, she says no and launches into her next ramble.

We have tried magnatiles, tons of games, audiobooks, and even TV. She doesn’t want to be alone. I tell her she can watch TV if she sits on the couch herself while I unload the dishwasher. She will agree. 2 mins later, she comes in and asks me to watch with her. I say no. She asks why, and I say I have to clean up the kitchen. She says can you do it after? No, I can’t, we ate lunch and need to clean up. I offer for her to clean up with me instead of TV. She will say “okay let’s clean up together then we can both watch TV.”

I will even offer that she can color in the kitchen near me while I cook. She asks questions and interrupts constantly to ask me to draw with her. I say that I’m watching her drawings but I am doing something else right now. She pushes back every single time. She will say just stop doing that and color with me. I say no gently, I explain what I’m doing, and she just keeps asking over and over again until I snap at her and then she cries.

I am emotionally drained. My nervous system is wrecked. I am exhausted from constantly telling her no or just needing her to be independent for 10 mins so I can do anything else in the house in peace. After she goes to bed, I legitimately need an hour of silence. I feel bad for our baby who always comes second to her big sister because she is so demanding.

What can do we to encourage some independent play?

We have a wonderful nanny who has been with us for two years. She is older and moved to the US a few years ago (this is relevant for car seat differences). When she started, we bought a Nuna rava car seat for her to use. She kept it in her car and installed/ uninstalled as needed.

A few weeks ago, she left the car seat outside because she needed the room to drive a few people somewhere. I’m not sure why she didn’t put it inside the house (she was on a weekend trip), but the car seat was gone when she got home.

She panicked and bought a high back booster from marketplace. Her daughter pointed out that the seat is too big for my child. She then looked up the exact seat we have and bought it on marketplace. She probably spent about $250 for both seats, but that’s a guess.

She told me what happened and was clearly very proud to say she solved the problem and it’s not an issue. I’m extremely uncomfortable using a used car seat. I can’t verify if it was in an accident, cleaned according to the manual, etc. I gently said it wasn’t a big deal because we actually plan to get new seats for our oldest and will have an extra seat, but I’m really uncomfortable using a used car seat - it’s a hard line for me. I told her that I wished she had just told me and saved herself the worry since we really don’t need her to have that specific seat and I don’t care that it was stolen. I asked her to sell those seats back.

She accepted my response but she keeps offering different options for the seats. She offered to buy a new seat herself (I said it’s really okay and it’s our responsibility), she offered to check with the people she bought the seats from if they were in an accident, and she now told me that in her home country, no one thought twice about using secondhand seats.

I can tell she just feels horrible and is trying to make up for it. What else can I do or say to make her drop this? I am happy to just buy her a new seat - things happen and I understand. She brings up a new idea for the car seat every day and I just want to move forward.

We just finished a week at the beach with my parents, my sister, toddler, newborn, and husband. I had low expectations because newborn life is unpredictable and hard, but my parents and sister are great with our toddler so I knew we would have some help.

We planned a few activities where husband and I would take toddler solo to give her some extra attention and my parents would watch the baby. I thought planning around the baby’s sleep and needs would be the hardest. I was wrong. My toddler spent the entire week wanting to do anything other than hang out with me specifically. I wanted to take her to the beach for a swim - no thanks. But grandma? Absolutely. She wanted to go to a water park and I agreed to take her. She spent the entire time being carried by my husband and only wanted him to accompany her on the slides/ activities. She wanted to color at the house for quiet time, but only with dad or grandma.

I know that some of this might be the newborn resentment or just a phase, but it’s breaking me. Every time we get in the car for something fun, like ice cream, she asks why I have to come and why it can’t just be her and dad or grandma. She’s had so many special moments in a place that I used to come to every summer as a kid, but all without me included. No one seems to know what to do to help. My husband has tried hard to encourage her to at least include me but it’s not working. She throws so many tantrums that it’s not worth it to torture everyone just so I can participate.

We leave tomorrow and I’ve spent the entire day in the Airbnb with the baby because I just don’t want to even be around anyone else. It makes me feel like a terrible parent and I basically never want anyone to witness how much she hates me ever again.

I know it will get better, but wow this sucks.

I will preface that we plan to ask our rabbi, but I would like to think about a plan first.

My FIL is terminally ill and has a few months left. He was raised Jewish but not religious. Recently he has become more religious and attends the local Chabad for learning, services, holidays. My MIL is not Jewish and this has caused all sorts of issues in their relationship. She is a Christian but not practicing in any way.

My husband has since become fully Jewish through a conservative process before we got married but he was also largely raised Jewish. He has a complicated relationship with his parents, especially around religion. I was raised more religious than him and he has largely adopted my practices by his own choice - kosher style, no Christmas/ Santa for our kids (this caused a lot of issues with MIL), we celebrate all Jewish holidays, we fast on fast days, etc.

The issue: FIL has made it clear that his wishes are to follow Jewish tradition around his death. He wants to be buried quickly, in a cemetery, with the Chabad rabbi doing the service. My husband feels very strongly that he wants to sit shiva (since this will be his obligation as the mourner), he will say mourners kaddish, they will have an unveiling, etc. MIL is very uncomfortable by all of this and has recently said to my husband that she will nod along to FIL’s wishes but will ultimately do what she feels is best. She has said she doesn’t want a quick burial because she wants her family to fly in from out of town, she will not host a shiva (that’s fine, we will), and she would prefer not to have the rabbi do the service.

I understand that my husband will have an obligation to help his father (a Jew) rest and follow the laws to bury him as a Jew. He feels very strongly that this is what his father wants as well, but Judaism even allows the family to ignore the deceased’s wishes if they go against Jewish law. He takes that seriously. But he also has an obligation to respect his mother and not cause her additional harm/ stress during her grieving period. When those two things conflict, how does the law allow for a balance - or does it at all?

Any and all thoughts and advice are appreciated.

There’s a long history, but basically FIL is dying and they want to see baby and toddler as much as possible. Husbands relationship with FIL is complicated but he does try to see him given limited time left.

We will see FIL twice with both kids in September for the Jewish holidays. MIL doesn’t attend these because she is not Jewish.

We have two weddings in the fall - one is my cousin and the other is my husbands best friend.

For my cousins wedding, my plan is to pay for our nanny to join us and she will put the kids to bed in a hotel. Kids are not invited to the wedding so they’ll get to see the city we’re staying in and then will be at the hotel for the evening. The wedding is 4 hours away and the baby has not taken a bottle yet. Maybe she will by then, but I’m not risking that stress when planning the trip. My husband will stay back to help in the room to help out if needed and obviously if the baby won’t take a bottle, I’ll come up to the room for feeds. My MIL is upset that my family gets a whole weekend with the kids.

The next weekend, we have my husbands best friends wedding, about 2 hours from home. Both kids are invited to the wedding. I’ll baby wear the baby, and the toddler will be fine through the reception (ends at 10 pm, she usually goes to bed around 9 pm). MIL, who is not invited to this wedding, offered to come and help out with the baby. Husband said that’s a kind offer but we’ve got it and baby won’t be able to stay in a hotel with her alone anyway. She said that’s okay, I’ll just join you at the wedding and hold the baby. Husband was like … but you aren’t invited? MIL literally said “well I’m sure they can make room for one more, just ask.” Husband said absolutely not, that’s inappropriate and we’ve got it anyway. MIL starts screaming that it’s not fair that my family gets the kids for a weekend (literally not true) and that she gets to come to the next wedding with us because that’s only fair.

When husband kept the boundary and said she can’t come to a wedding she’s not invited to, she said that we need to make more time to see FIL and it’s ridiculous that we’re traveling to a wedding 4 hours away when he is so sick. Husband said we will see him twice in September. Just a few weeks before these weddings. She then got to the true issue and said well she won’t see the kids then and it’s not fair. He said we can plan a brunch or after school activity and she said it’s not the same as a “whole weekend.” I’m just so tired.

The TLDR of the history is that FIL is dying, in laws are obsessed with toddler and love to boundary push and I just had a new baby after a very traumatic few years.

Since having a baby over a month ago, we have had some success with boundaries. We knew that baby might have some medical complications, which did happen. She is fine and didn’t need any NICU time but we didn’t allow anyone to hold her for about a month until cleared by our pediatrician. In laws came to meet her after 3 weeks and husband made it very clear beforehand that no one could hold her. In laws agreed, came over, and immediately started the guilt trip. They asked multiple times and pushed, even after we said that our pediatrician didn’t recommend it and it was not happening. They left very annoyed. Whatever.

Since then, husband gets texts and calls every day asking for errands, lunches, whatever with his dad because “he has the time off while on leave.” He tries to make time to see his dad once a week, but even that is wearing on me pretty hard. We have a ton of appointments, a very active toddler, and a baby who doesn’t sleep. When we invite him to our house, it’s more work for me because he can’t climb stairs or do anything except sit on our couch so I wrangle two kids while husband sits with him and chats. If husband goes out with him and brings toddler, they complain that he didn’t get to see the baby. Taking baby out is not fun for anyone since she basically screams when awake.

The breaking point was when they found out that we booked a week at the beach (2 hours away) next month with my parents. My parents actually help and I need this break so badly. I can sit on the beach for 30 mins and read a book without anyone needing my boobs or a snack. MIL called husband to scream at him that he’s insensitive for taking a vacation while his dad is dying and he’s not even trying to make his last few months enjoyable. It’s never enough for them and I’m over it. I’m so exhausted running on minimal sleep, I am already overwhelmed, and they basically want my husband to prioritize them over me and our kids.

I told husband he’s free to stay home and see his parents for the entire week, but obviously he’s not an idiot and isn’t going to do that.