u/lnc_gomes

The teller, shocked, says, “Sir, please don’t use that language.”

The old man repeats, louder this time, “I said I want to open a DAMN account!”

The manager comes over and asks what’s going on.

The teller says, “He keeps swearing!”

The old man says, “I just won 10 million dollars in the lottery and I want to put it in this damn bank!”

The manager smiles and says, “Oh, I see… and is this woman giving you a hard time?”

A grave mistake

He answers it, and his wife says,

“Be careful! I just heard on the news there’s a car going the wrong way on the highway!”

The old man says,

“One car? There are hundreds of them!”

The doctor says, “How long has this been going on?”

The old man pauses, looks confused, and says,

“How long has what been going on?”

The judge asks, “Did you chase this man?”

The dog says, “Yes, Your Honor.”

The courtroom gasps.

The judge leans forward. “Why did you do it?”

The dog replies,

“Well, Your Honor… I’ve been chasing cars my whole life. That day, I finally caught one. I didn’t know what else to do.”

He brings in three dogs.

To the first dog, he says: “What’s two minus two?”

The dog barks: “Nothing!”

“Very good,” says the scientist.

To the second dog: “What’s two minus one?”

The dog barks: “One!”

“Excellent.”

To the third dog: “What’s two minus two?”

The dog pauses dramatically… then says:

“Listen… are we talking mathematically, philosophically, or emotionally?”

“Prove it,” the friend says.

The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”

The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.

“Lucky guess,” says the friend.

The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”

The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.

The friend is impressed but still skeptical.

“Alright… ask him something harder.”

The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”

The dog barks, “Roof!”

The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”

The dog looks at him and says,

“You wanted me to say shingles?”

She says, “I want something that sparkles and goes from 0 to 100 really fast.”

The husband nods.

Later that evening, he gives her a beautifully wrapped box.

She opens it… and finds a brand-new weighing scale.

She looks at him slowly and says,

“You shouldn’t have…”

He replies, “I know, but it was on sale.”

The wife gives him the silent treatment for three days.

On the fourth day, the husband says,

“Hey… are you still not talking to me?”

The wife finally replies, “Yes.”

The husband smiles and says,

“Great! I thought I went deaf.”

His wife asks,

“Why do you look like you just lost a million dollars?”

He sighs and says, “I did something terrible today… I forgot your birthday.”

The wife crosses her arms. “You forgot my birthday?! That’s it. Tomorrow morning, I expect to see something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 5 seconds.”

The husband nods nervously.

Next morning, the wife rushes outside… and sees a bathroom scale.

He's feeling a bit mischievous and says, "You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, it’s starting to look like that BBQ grill over there."

The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.

"What's wrong?" he asks, surprised.She replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Her husband looks up from the TV and asks, "Why are you so happy?"

"Well," the wife says, "the doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the physical attributes and spirit of an eighteen-year-old!"

The husband snorts and says, "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-five-year-old rear end?"

She smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, your name never came up in the conversation."

you all just annoy her equally.

Then it’s just highly suspicious.

They told her to stay in bed and relax while they handled everything. As she lay there, she could hear the sizzle of bacon and the smell of coffee drifting up from the kitchen. She felt so loved and pampered, imagining the beautiful breakfast they were preparing.

After waiting for over an hour, she finally heard footsteps. The kids burst into the room, both holding their own plates full of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

"Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!" they shouted. "We decided to make our own breakfast so you wouldn't have to cook for us today!"

or maybe after the midnight snack.

which really says a lot about my low standards.

Because it didn't want to stir up trouble!

He stops his truck and sees that a cow has somehow fallen into the hole and is stuck deep.

"Need some help?" the farmer asks."I sure do," says the neighbor. "I've tried everything to get her out, but she’s just too heavy."

The farmer thinks for a second, then says, "I've got a great idea. We’ll tie a rope around her middle, hitch it to my truck, and I'll pull her right out."

The neighbor looks horrified. "No! You'll pull her in half!"

The farmer shrugs. "Well, what about your idea?"

The neighbor points to a stack of books he brought from his house. "I was thinking I'd just read to her until she got light enough to float out."

The farmer laughs. "Read to her? What are you reading?"

The neighbor holds up a book and says, "The Secret. I’m trying to help her manifest an udder reality."

The pilot runs out of the cockpit, yelling, "The plane is going down! There are only three parachutes, and there are four of us!"

Before anyone can react, the pilot grabs one, says, "I have a family to support!" and jumps out.

The heavyweight boxer stands up, muscles bulging. "I am the strongest man in the world! My fans need me to defend my title!" He grabs the second pack and leaps into the clouds.

The wrestler looks at the jiu-jitsu black belt and says, "Brother, you've lived a long, honorable life teaching the gentle art. I'm young and have a lot of matches left. I have to take the last one."

The jiu-jitsu master smiles calmly and says, "Relax, my friend. There are still two parachutes left."

The wrestler is confused. "How? The boxer and the pilot took two!"

The master chuckles. "The 'Smartest Fighter in the World' just jumped out with my gear bag full of dirty kimonos."