u/lofla19

Hi everyone,

I’m 31, and about 10 months ago I got out of a 6-year relationship that had become pretty toxic (and I can now clearly see my own responsibility in that too). Even though I moved on from the relationship itself relatively quickly, it was still a massive life rupture: living together, plans to buy a place, an entire future built around that relationship.

Very soon after the breakup, I developed an extremely intense attachment to the first girl I met. Looking back, it almost felt irrational, like my brain was desperately trying to replace what I had lost.

The issue is that she was very emotionally avoidant / independent, so things took a long time to really develop between us. During that time, I met another girl, and with her everything felt simple, natural, stable and easy from the start.

I ended up seeing both of them in parallel for a while, naïvely thinking my feelings would eventually become clear on their own. Instead, it completely destroyed me mentally: insomnia, obsessive thoughts, constant comparisons, inability to think clearly. There’s a Rohmer quote that kept coming back to me: “He who has two women loses his soul.” Honestly, I feel like I experienced exactly that.

About two and a half months ago, I finally ended things with the first girl. Not in the best way, to be honest — I was psychologically overwhelmed. And right at that moment, she finally opened up emotionally and told me she was ready to commit more seriously. The worst part is that I can’t even really blame her for waiting so long, because I had never clearly communicated with her about what we actually were to each other.

But what she told me at that moment was exactly what I had wanted to hear for months.

Since then, I’ve stayed with the second girl. Objectively, the relationship is healthy. When I’m with her, I genuinely feel good, calm, even happy. But whenever I’m alone, my mind goes straight back to the first story. I replay everything endlessly, compare both relationships constantly, and I feel like it’s poisoning my present relationship.

So now I’m completely lost about what I’m actually feeling:

• do I genuinely regret losing the first girl?
• or am I just trapped in a mental loop fueled by emotional intensity, uncertainty, guilt, and the unfinished nature of that relationship?

Because there’s also a lot of guilt involved. I know I hurt her, and I’m not trying to paint myself as the victim here. But honestly, this whole situation has also deeply messed me up psychologically.

I’ve even started wondering whether there’s something deeper going on mentally. Sometimes it feels like I made certain decisions in a kind of emotionally manic state, and that for the last 2–3 months I’ve crashed into something closer to depression, full of regret and this constant feeling of “it’s too late now.”

I’m not looking for a Reddit diagnosis obviously. I’m mostly trying to understand whether other people have experienced this kind of fixation after an intense and unfinished relationship, even while being in a healthier and more stable one.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.

Bonjour à tous,

Je refais un post quelque temps après celui-ci (je mets le lien pour le contexte : https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMec/comments/1rxw0uh/31m_je_viens_de_faire_un_choix_amoureux_et_jai/ ) parce que la situation a un peu évolué, mais surtout parce que je continue à tourner en boucle mentalement et que j’essaie de comprendre ce qui m’arrive.

Pour résumer rapidement : j’ai 31 ans, je suis sorti il y a environ 10 mois d’une relation de 6 ans qui était devenue assez toxique (et je vois aujourd’hui ma part de responsabilité là-dedans). Même si j’ai finalement assez vite fait le deuil de cette relation en elle-même, ça restait un gros bouleversement de vie : appartement, projets d’achat, quotidien construit à deux, etc.

Très vite après la rupture, je me suis retrouvé dans une espèce de passion extrêmement intense pour la première fille que j’ai rencontrée. Avec du recul, ça avait presque quelque chose d’irrationnel, comme si mon cerveau cherchait désespérément à combler le vide laissé par ma relation précédente.

Le problème, c’est que cette fille était très indépendante / évitante émotionnellement, donc la relation a mis du temps à réellement se construire (mais c'est plutôt sain en même temps, en tout cas plus qu'une passion dévorante comme al mienne). Pendant cette période, j’ai rencontré une autre fille, avec qui tout était au contraire très intense, naturel, stable dès le début.

J’ai alors commencé à voir les deux en parallèle pendant un moment, en me disant naïvement que mes sentiments finiraient par se clarifier d’eux-mêmes. Sauf qu’en réalité ça m’a complètement détruit mentalement : obsession, comparaisons permanentes, insomnies, incapacité à réfléchir clairement. Je repensais souvent à cette phrase de Rohmer : « Qui a deux femmes perd son âme. » Franchement, j’ai eu l’impression de vivre exactement ça.

Il y a environ deux mois et demi, j’ai fini par mettre un terme à la relation avec la première fille. Honnêtement, pas de la meilleure manière : j’étais complètement dépassé psychologiquement. Et c’est justement à ce moment-là qu’elle s’est ouverte émotionnellement et m’a dit qu’elle était prête à davantage s’engager. Le pire, c’est que je ne peux même pas vraiment lui reprocher d’avoir tardé à le faire, parce que je n’avais jamais eu de vraie discussion claire avec elle sur ce que nous représentions l’un pour l’autre. Mais ce qu’elle m’a dit à ce moment-là, c’était exactement ce que j’attendais depuis des mois.

Depuis, je suis resté avec la deuxième fille. Et objectivement, la relation est saine. Quand je suis avec elle, je me sens bien, apaisé, heureux même. Mais dès que je suis seul, je recommence à obséder sur la première histoire. Je repasse les scènes en boucle, je compare constamment les deux relations, et j’ai l’impression que ça empoisonne complètement mon présent. Tous les souvenirs rejaillissent dès que j'emprunte une rue où nous avions nos habitudes, dès que je croise une fille qui lui ressemble, dès que j'entends quelqu'un qui un accent similaire ou qui fait une petite moue que je lui connaissais, bref je suis complètement obsédé.

Du coup je suis perdu sur ce que je ressens réellement :

• est-ce que je regrette sincèrement cette première fille ?
• ou est-ce que je suis simplement coincé dans une boucle mentale alimentée par l’intensité émotionnelle, le manque, le caractère inachevé de l’histoire et la culpabilité ?

Parce qu’il y a aussi énormément de culpabilité là-dedans. Je sais que je l’ai fait souffrir, et je ne cherche pas à me donner le beau rôle. Mais honnêtement, cette situation m’a aussi énormément détruit psychologiquement.

J’en viens même parfois à me demander si je ne traverse pas quelque chose de plus profond psychologiquement. Par moments j’ai l’impression d’avoir pris certaines décisions dans une sorte d’état d’excitation émotionnelle quasi maniaque, avant de retomber depuis des mois dans quelque chose qui ressemble à une dépression remplie de regrets et de “c’est trop tard”. Je vois un psy depuis 2 mois et je sors bouleversé ou hyper rasséréné par les séances selon ce qu'il me semble comprendre.

Je précise que je ne cherche pas un diagnostic Reddit évidemment. J’essaie surtout de comprendre si certains ont déjà vécu ce genre de fixation après une relation intense et inachevée, même en étant parallèlement dans une relation plus saine.

Merci à ceux qui prendront le temps de lire.

Hey everyone,

I’m posting here because I’m still pretty lost and I could use some outside perspective.

I’m a 31-year-old guy. I came out of a 6-year relationship about ten months ago. It had become toxic and, looking back, it probably wasn’t right for me anymore (or maybe never really was). But it was still a huge life shift: we lived together, had plans to buy a place… everything was built around that life.

Right after the breakup, I developed a very intense crush on the first girl I met. It was almost irrational. In hindsight, I think there’s something unstable in the brain after a long relationship ends — like this urgency to replace what was lost.

I was very into her, probably too much, which likely made things worse. She’s very independent, more on the avoidant side (attachment theory-wise), and it took time before anything really started to happen between us.

At the same time, I met a second girl. And with her, everything was easy from the beginning. Very natural connection, very stable, very enjoyable. She told me she hadn’t felt that kind of connection in a long time either.

Because nothing was defined at first, I ended up seeing both of them. I thought things would naturally settle into place, but instead I became completely overwhelmed. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think straight, I was stuck in my head all the time.

Eventually, about two months ago, I made a decision. I ended things with the first girl. Not in a very clean way — I was overwhelmed and gave vague, imperfect reasons. But I reached a point where I couldn’t handle the situation anymore.

At that moment, she actually told me she was ready to open up more and commit. But I still chose to end it. I couldn’t continue the overlap between the two situations.

Since then, I’ve stayed with the second girl. And objectively, things are very good with her: it’s calm, stable, easy, and genuinely enjoyable.

But I’m struggling a lot mentally.

I’ve become obsessed with the first girl. I haven’t contacted her since, but I must have written over a hundred messages that I never sent. I keep replaying everything in my head and constantly comparing. And that comparison is slowly poisoning the relationship I’m currently in — which is unfair to the second girl, because she doesn’t deserve that at all.

Today, I feel stuck. I can’t really move on from the first situation, but I’m also still in a relationship that is objectively healthy and good.

I keep asking myself: did I choose the wrong person? Or am I just stuck in some kind of mental loop because of how the situation unfolded?

The more time passes, the less clarity I seem to have.

I’m not proud of how I handled things, and I’m mostly just trying to understand what’s happening in my head right now.

If anyone has been through something similar or has any perspective on this, I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.

Hey everyone,

I’m posting here because I’m still pretty lost and I could use some outside perspective.

I’m a 31-year-old guy. I came out of a 6-year relationship about two months ago. It had become toxic and, looking back, it probably wasn’t right for me anymore (or maybe never really was). But it was still a huge life shift: we lived together, had plans to buy a place… everything was built around that life.

Right after the breakup, I developed a very intense crush on the first girl I met. It was almost irrational. In hindsight, I think there’s something unstable in the brain after a long relationship ends — like this urgency to replace what was lost.

I was very into her, probably too much, which likely made things worse. She’s very independent, more on the avoidant side (attachment theory-wise), and it took time before anything really started to happen between us.

At the same time, I met a second girl. And with her, everything was easy from the beginning. Very natural connection, very stable, very enjoyable. She told me she hadn’t felt that kind of connection in a long time either.

Because nothing was defined at first, I ended up seeing both of them. I thought things would naturally settle into place, but instead I became completely overwhelmed. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think straight, I was stuck in my head all the time.

Eventually, about two months ago, I made a decision. I ended things with the first girl. Not in a very clean way — I was overwhelmed and gave vague, imperfect reasons. But I reached a point where I couldn’t handle the situation anymore.

At that moment, she actually told me she was ready to open up more and commit. But I still chose to end it. I couldn’t continue the overlap between the two situations.

Since then, I’ve stayed with the second girl. And objectively, things are very good with her: it’s calm, stable, easy, and genuinely enjoyable.

But I’m struggling a lot mentally.

I’ve become obsessed with the first girl. I haven’t contacted her since, but I must have written over a hundred messages that I never sent. I keep replaying everything in my head and constantly comparing. And that comparison is slowly poisoning the relationship I’m currently in — which is unfair to the second girl, because she doesn’t deserve that at all.

Today, I feel stuck. I can’t really move on from the first situation, but I’m also still in a relationship that is objectively healthy and good.

I keep asking myself: did I choose the wrong person? Or am I just stuck in some kind of mental loop because of how the situation unfolded?

The more time passes, the less clarity I seem to have.

I’m not proud of how I handled things, and I’m mostly just trying to understand what’s happening in my head right now.

If anyone has been through something similar or has any perspective on this, I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.

Hey everyone,

I’m a 31M going through a pretty rough period and could really use some perspective from people who’ve been there.

I’m dealing with a major heartbreak that kind of spiraled into something obsessive, and honestly borderline depressive. The weird (and hard) part is that I’m the one who ended the relationship. I still don’t fully understand how I got there or why I made that decision, which makes it even harder to process.

On paper, everything in my life should be going well — I have a stable situation, and I’m about to start what feels like my dream job. But internally it’s messy. I feel like something needs to “reset” psychologically.

I’ve experimented with microdosing psilocybin a few times in the past. Each time, it led to pretty significant positive changes:

• quitting an addiction
• finding the courage to leave a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere
• getting the motivation to change jobs

So I’ve seen real benefits.

But… my last experience also came with pretty severe insomnia, which makes me hesitant to jump back in — especially since my sleep is already fragile right now.

I’ve also done a few macrodoses before. One of them was a very powerful and positive experience that helped me take control of my physical health and gave me a real sense of direction.

So I’m a bit stuck between options:

• trying microdosing again (maybe a short cycle, like 3–4 weeks max),
• or going for a more intentional macrodose experience.

Given my current mental state (emotional vulnerability, unstable sleep), I’m not sure what would be the healthiest or safest approach.

For those of you who’ve used psychedelics to navigate grief or emotional transitions:

• Would you lean toward microdosing or a macrodose in this kind of situation?
• Have you experienced insomnia with microdosing, and how did you handle it?
• Do you think this is even the right moment to engage with psychedelics, or better to stabilize first?

Appreciate any thoughts or experiences 🙏