u/loleeza

Honestly, getting sick is the only thing I think about. I cannot eat with my hands anymore, I refuse to eat food made by anyone else, I'm afraid of going out, not being masked in public, etc.

My brain has convinced me that every single thing is somehow contaminated with a deadly vomitoxin or norovirus. Oh, I can't eat that because my hand touched the inside of the container and before that I was holding my phone and I was carrying my phone around the mall a couple days ago. Oh no, I can't drink from my water bottle because my finger grazed the rim of the bottle. Oh no I touched my face with unwashed hands I'm gonna explode.

Fact is, I completely understand I'm being unreasonable. But do I want to get better? No, not really.

It just gets in the way of being with my family. And my friends.

But I'm in too deep now. I'll do anything to not get sick.

(For reference I am 5’4, hips 31, waist 23, bust 31)

Biggest problem I’m currently having, I can’t find any cotton baby tees that fit nicely around my waist. Length is an issue too, tops are always too short and end up cropped, same thing with the sleeves. I used to have luck with brandy melville, now everything is so much bigger. I also only like the feel of cotton, and knowing that cotton stretches out, even when I try to size down, I can only wear these shirts like twice before they end up fitting like a fucking large (excuse the language, I am tired of not being able to find clothes that fit me)

This applies to long sleeves too. Any tight tops. I have tried so many different brands and thrifting etc etc

Yesterday I went to a concert and overall, I had a great experience. I had planned out how I was gonna get accessibility seating and how I would approach the staff about letting me into the building so I didn’t have to stand in the blistering sun to wait in the line into the venue. Literally a week prior to this event, I did absolutely nothing but lay in bed and try to rest as much as possible. Thank god I was able to jump around and sing my heart out for most of the concert.

I brought my cane with me and I am a relatively new cane user so I was a bit clumsy with it. After I got inside, I was standing in the merch line with my dad. I had to use both of my hands to fix my shirt so I placed my cane between my knees and it fell to the ground. My dad quickly picked it up and then I just kept using it to support myself. A few seconds later, I noticed a woman and her son (I think) standing basically right behind us in the line, staring at me. The woman’s face looked SO judgmental and all I heard her saying to her son was “She’s clearly just.. faking.” She took a long pause mid sentence to look me up and down and shake her head. I was like, there’s no way in hell she could be talking about me?!

But, the entire time I was in that line, she just couldn’t wipe that judgmental look off of her face. She was looking at me with pure disgust. I would do absolutely anything now to go back in time and say something to her, but I didn’t care much then. I don’t know if she only noticed me being clumsy with my cane, or if she noticed me “cutting the line” to get into the building so I didn’t get a fucking heat stroke outside, but whatever it was, she just had to jump to conclusions.

Truth is, if I wasn’t sick, I would do anything to stand in that line. I’d be there all day if I had to. I was so excited to go to this concert and if that meant waiting in the heat for hours, I would do it in a heartbeat.

For 2 years now, I’ve had everything taken away from me. This is the first time ever in 2 years that I’ve been judged this hard by a complete stranger. I wish I could tell her about all the days I’ve spent in the hospital, all the heart issues I have that have nothing to do with my POTS and me using a cane, all the sleepless nights, all the procedures and tests and surgeries, all the chest pains and the tachycardia and the syncope and the shortness of breath and everything else that makes my life so fucking disabling.

I wish she could feel how fucking drained I am the day after this concert. I can’t even stand up without passing out, my beta blockers won’t help bring my tachycardia down, and I have a raging headache. I did this so I could have ONE day where I don’t have to worry about debilitating symptoms, and the fact that this woman is judging me, a girl YEARS, DECADES younger than her, whom she knows nothing about, is not only embarrassing on her part, but also incredibly hurtful to me. Just a reminder that you shouldn’t judge people that you know nothing about. I thought most people knew better at this point.

Im currently a junior and im on track to graduate around the start of July this year. Will I be considered a senior by then or would I still graduate as a Junior? I asked my counselor about this already but she still hasnt emailed me back