u/lonely-blue-sheep

This is a long post, sorry.

Some trigger warnings- talking about depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide.

Today (May 1) is my birthday. I’m 23 now. It’s dawned on me that I’m the same age as and soon will be older than Technoblade was when he passed. And it makes me realize just how young I am, and just how young Techno was. I had only just turned 19 when I heard the news of his passing, and back then I thought that obviously he was way too young to die, but I also thought he was old in a sense. When we’re young, we think that at a certain age is when someone is old in our eyes. That was how it felt about Techno. But he was just a kid, an adult yes but way too young. I don’t even feel like an actual adult yet.

Technoblade’s death shocked me. The only people I knew who’d died before Techno were 3 of my grandparents, and I either was too young to remember them or I didn’t know them very well. Technoblade is forever stamped in Youtube’s and Minecraft’s history, rather than the fuzzy memories I have of my grandparents.

I joke about death all the time. It’s hard to respect life, to take death seriously and to actually fully understand the burden and the sheer weight of death when you’ve been suicidal since you were a teen.

I was 14 when I developed depression and anxiety, and that was also when I began to self-harm. I still really struggle with my addiction to self-harm now. I just broke my 5-month clean streak only a week ago. I attempted to end my life once in 2019 when I was 17. I never even thought I’d make it to my 18th birthday, much less my 23rd.

When you’re in that pit of pure despair, when you’re drowning in what seems to be nothing but endless pain and suffering, all you want to do is die. But then I compare it to Technoblade, someone who should’ve experienced more life but didn’t get the chance to. It just makes me think about everything.

I’ve had a lot of loss since Techno died, and it all seemed to be in such quick succession. My remaining grandmother died of cancer in December 2024, and in 2025 I lost 4 other family members- my great aunt in August because of heart problems, my 12yo cat in September because of a tumor, my grandma’s boyfriend in September because of a stroke, and my uncle in October because of cancer as well. Every death made me think about..just kinda everything. It makes me grateful that I am still here, even though it’s a struggle. Life is so precious and fragile. Techno’s death came as a shock to pretty much all of us because he never let on how bad it really was. He stayed positive throughout all of it, even knowing his prognosis and facing the scariest thing ever. And that’s one of the many reasons I look up to him.

This is just a collection of my rambling reflections as the sun sets on the day of my 23rd birthday. I guess if there’s anything to take away from this, it’s just to keep fighting. Keep breathing. Keep living. Life is short, far too short for some. Life is precious and fragile and important. And if you need a bit of assurance, just remind yourself of all the little things that matter (and the big things of course). Think of the music you haven’t heard yet. Think of the fandoms you haven’t discovered yet. Think of the nature sights you haven’t seen yet.

Grief is incredibly complicated, and I still feel sad sometimes when I think about Techno, so if you’re still grieving, don’t beat yourself up about it because everyone’s healing process is different, and healing is not linear.

If you got out of bed today, that’s a huge deal. If you showered or changed clothes or brushed your hair or brushed your teeth, that’s also a big accomplishment and I’m proud of you. I sometimes can’t even get myself out of bed all day. It’s super hard to get through some days, but keep fighting.

I love you guys. Take care and stay safe <3