u/lovingcats1239

OK, so I’ve been planning my escape. I wanted to have a certain amount of money before I left, and I’m almost halfway there. I have an entire plan of how to leave. From getting the job I have, to open opening up a secret bank account. I have a timeline for several things. For instance, when I’m one month from leaving, I have things I need to do. When I’m two weeks from leaving, I have things I need to do. When I’m one week away from leaving, I have things I need to do. When I’m three days from leaving, I have things I need to do. Lastly, when I’m one day from leaving, I have things I need to do. The only thing that is bothering me is, we have two vehicles and both of our names, and a Loan together. I’m probably going to take a hit there on my credit, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m going to switch utilities out of my name the day before I leave. I’m going to get new phones under just my name three days before I leave. It’s been even more difficult because I need to take my two small dogs and my two cats, and that’s hard to do when you’re having to rent. (The Mortgage is in his name Only ) However, there is one large dog that I know I can’t take. I hope he will take care of him. I’m feeling excited and scared, but I don’t know what else to do other than leave. After working a long week, I’m always happy to see Friday, but by Saturday afternoon, I wish it was Monday. I have zero friends and zero family. I’m scared.

I woke up late today, and told my husband that I did not want to go to My Work function. It was a little fun, Fourth of July activity, and it would’ve been myself, him, and the children. I woke up too late, it was optional, I really didn’t want to go. He pushes and pushes, and refutes every Stance I have on why I don’t want to go. I finally cave in and say fine. We’ll go. We’re almost all the way there and he goes, how long is it going to be? I told him I didn’t know. We get there, a few of my coworkers are there, but nobody speaks to us. This was a huge trigger. After 15 minutes he says we’re leaving. We end up dipping off before any of my coworkers know that we’re gone.

Why go through that trouble to get us there, to then find a million reasons to leave?

Then, I get home and I’m looking for triple anabiotic ointment because I have a cut on my finger and I’ve already waited too long to treat it. He starts complaining about how the kids need to be fed and there’s so many things that need to be done. This to me means I need to stop doing what I’m doing and feed one of the children, so I tell him, set the baby up to eat, and then put the toddler in his highchair. He feeds himself. This was a huge trigger. All of a sudden, I hear him slamming cabinets and talking under his breath, creating a tense environment per usual. I walk into the kitchen and see there are Cheez-Its crumbled on the floor sporadically, and he’s asking me questions on if I’m going to feed the children or what my plans are as I’m actively getting the food ready, to which I ignored him because I’m not going to engage when that type of behavior is going on. I recently decided that I will not engage when that is happening. As a side note, I didn’t even finish looking for the anabiotic ointment. When things settled down about 10 minutes later, he asked me about the triple antibiotic ointment and I told him that I never found it. He asked me why. I said because you said the kids needed to be fed and there were so many other things and I heard you mumbling about how you just need some help around here. He said what? I meant you could feed the kids AFTER you found your cream. I said how was I supposed to know that? You’re making it like it’s a big deal right now so why would I think that meant after I found my cream I would need to feed the kids? He told me it’s “common sense”…….

What just happened here?

For reference, his last ailment was earwax in his ear, to which he had a complete meltdown for four days and expected me to cater to every whim as he was completely distraught over it. But the fact that I may need to get a tetanus shot, which I’m allergic to, apparently is no big deal.

I woke up late today, and told my husband that I did not want to go to My Work function. It was a little fun, Fourth of July activity, and it would’ve been myself, him, and the children. I woke up too late, it was optional, I really didn’t want to go. He pushes and pushes, and refutes every Stance I have on why I don’t want to go. I finally cave in and say fine. We’ll go. We’re almost all the way there and he goes, how long is it going to be? I told him I didn’t know. We get there, a few of my coworkers are there, but nobody speaks to us. This was a huge trigger. After 15 minutes he says we’re leaving. We end up dipping off before any of my coworkers know that we’re gone.

Why go through that trouble to get us there, to then find a million reasons to leave?

Then, I get home and I’m looking for triple anabiotic ointment because I have a cut on my finger and I’ve already waited too long to treat it. He starts complaining about how the kids need to be fed and there’s so many things that need to be done. This to me means I need to stop doing what I’m doing and feed one of the children, so I tell him, set the baby up to eat, and then put the toddler in his highchair. He feeds himself. This was a huge trigger. All of a sudden, I hear him slamming cabinets and talking under his breath, creating a tense environment per usual. I walk into the kitchen and see there are Cheez-Its crumbled on the floor sporadically, and he’s asking me questions on if I’m going to feed the children or what my plans are as I’m actively getting the food ready, to which I ignored him because I’m not going to engage when that type of behavior is going on. I recently decided that I will not engage when that is happening. As a side note, I didn’t even finish looking for the anabiotic ointment. When things settled down about 10 minutes later, he asked me about the triple antibiotic ointment and I told him that I never found it. He asked me why. I said because you said the kids needed to be fed and there were so many other things and I heard you mumbling about how you just need some help around here. He said what? I meant you could feed the kids AFTER you found your cream. I said how was I supposed to know that? You’re making it like it’s a big deal right now so why would I think that meant after I found my cream I would need to feed the kids? He told me it’s “common sense”…….

What just happened here?

For reference, his last ailment was earwax in his ear, to which he had a complete meltdown for four days and expected me to cater to every whim as he was completely distraught over it. But the fact that I may need to get a tetanus shot, which I’m allergic to, apparently is no big deal.

I’m not sure if I should get a tetanus shot. I came home from the store, washed my hands, reached into the drawer, and cut myself on a jagged piece of foil on the foil roll. The foil is unused. I called the Tele nurse, and she said that since it’s been more than 10 years since my booster shot (it’s been 12 years) I should get a tetanus shot to be safe. While I’m all four vaccines, and I’ve gotten all of them (including Covid vaccines) the tetanus shot really puts me out. Of course I will get it, if it is truly necessary, but I do not want to get it just because some protocol book says I should if I really don’t need to. I’ve got two children under the age of one, and I work 50 hours a week. This is not something I want to have to deal with if I don’t need to. Would you get a tetanus shot under the circumstances?

For reference, he has two job interviews today. His job interviews come after switching careers 6 times in the last 5 years, and switching jobs probably 20 times in the last 5 years. He ran his own lawn company twice, been in four different unions in the last four years, done car sales, etc., etc.

I wake up this morning, walk into the kitchen, say hello to everyone, and immediately go “I need to take a shower today”. Why does that automatically spark the response of him saying “I have to take a shower, iron my clothes, get ready, shave my face”…… like, OK? It’s not about who’s busier, because if it was, I would win that competition every day but today.

Then I made another statement about needing to complete something, and here he comes with yet another comparison.

I put my foot down immediately and said “ what does me having to do something have to do with you having to do something?” He instantly realized where I was going with my point and apologized quickly. However, we all know the apologies is BS and the competing and comparing will start right back within the same day typically.

At times he complains that we’re not intimate and have no closeness. How in the same hell am I supposed to be close to somebody that competes with me on every little thing? It’s exhausting and I can’t be vulnerable or close with someone who makes me feel like the opposition in almost every situation. The only time I feel close to him is if someone else is against me, then he will quickly take my side. Any other time, you would think that he was my enemy.

I’m not certain what type of personality disorder my husband has, but I’m leading towards BPD or NPD, or maybe a mix of both. Does anyone else deal with this type of behavior from their spouse?

Wow! Reading through some of these posts has been so relatable. A few months ago I started realizing my spouse likely has NPD, but after something popped up in one of the NPD support subs today, I started looking more at BPD, and it resonates even more than NPD. Especially the term “splitting”. I didn’t understand why my husband kept seeing everything and everyone in such black-and-white terms, such good or bad. Often times he would switch from opinions of people being good to bad when judging people. Then, over the last two years, he’s quit job after job, after getting into it with somebody. Sometimes he doesn’t actually get into it with someone, but that person is the reason he will quit a job. Often times he will ruminate about these people and how bad they are. Once he feels like someone is out to get him, it’s just a matter of time before he goes off on them or completely blows his career, forcing him to go into something else for work. It’s been exhausting! The last couple of years, he’s also had to trade in and get a new vehicle every 3 to 6 months. Has anyone else dealt with this?

Realizing that the reason I haven’t been intimate with him in years is because of the comments he made about my sexuality, and sexual history during his splitting episodes. Those statements ruined our intimacy, and I’ll never be intimate with him again. Never. I just can’t.

Wow! Reading through some of these posts has been so relatable. A few months ago I started realizing my spouse likely has NPD, but after something popped up in one of the NPD support subs today, I started looking more at BPD, and it resonates even more than NPD. Especially the term “splitting”. I didn’t understand why my husband kept seeing everything and everyone in such black-and-white terms, such good or bad. Often times he would switch from opinions of people being good to bad when judging people. Then, over the last two years, he’s quit job after job, after getting into it with somebody. Sometimes he doesn’t actually get into it with someone, but that person is the reason he will quit a job. Often times he will ruminate about these people and how bad they are. Once he feels like someone is out to get him, it’s just a matter of time before he goes off on them or completely blows his career, forcing him to go into something else for work. It’s been exhausting! The last couple of years, he’s also had to trade in and get a new vehicle every 3 to 6 months. Has anyone else dealt with this?

Please be kind, giving these children up is not an option for me, for many reasons, especially knowing that they would likely be separated. My situation is as follows:

I didn’t realize my husband was likely a narcissist until about two months after we got our first foster child. My husband and I have had this child for the last 17 months, He came to us at 2 weeks old. He loves us both very much, and even though My Husband is what I would consider a narcissist, he is really good to the baby. He’s even the primary parent, and luckily, doesn’t bully me through the child like a lot of narcissists do. We also have this child’s sibling who is even younger than him. There’s a great bond there, and we are the only parents that either of these children know.

Here’s my issue, I’ve decided for sure within the last couple of months that I’m leaving My Husband. These Children’s parents are getting their rights terminated for several reasons, and the children cannot return home. Do I….

1. Wait until they are adopted, and go through a divorce like I would if the children were my biological children?

2. Go for guardianship instead of adoption, that way if things do get nasty during a divorce, the children aren’t technically legally, either one of ours and can’t be used. In which later, I would file for adoption if the parents don’t end up filing to get the children back within the next few years.

3. Do adoption or guardianship, and not leave?

Which one of these 3 options would you choose?

Does anyone else spend at least 30% of their day, daydreaming about the day they make their escape? I can’t wait to be in my own place, with my cat, curled up in the bed all weekend after having worked all week. I can’t wait for the peace.

Well, it finally happened. Mister “trade-in to get an upgraded vehicle every 3-6 months”, Mister “I want the iPhone 17 Pro Max”, Mister “I need the newest Apple Watch”, Mister “I’ll work at this factory job so that I can afford this vehicle” (but hasn’t worked more than two weeks in the last 8 months) saw that his credit score went down drastically. Upon further investigation, he discovered that wanting that brand new iPhone cost him $3000 Verizon bill that he doesn’t intend to pay. His credit score went from 641 down to 570 overnight. Of course I feel bad for him to some degree, but at least this time it’s his credit that he’s ruined did not mine. (back in 2018, his poor choices cost me my credit for almost 7 years.) He always found an excuse for me not to work, and about two years ago I went against all of that and got a job, thankfully! I don’t know where we would be with his spending habits if I wasn’t working. To add fuel to the fire, he’s been a part of four different unions in the last 6 years and always has a reason to hop to another Union. This last Union he was going to have to travel To Work (after he went off on his boss at a job site ) and he wasn’t willing to travel to any other job. Instead, he wanted to start a lawn care company (for the third time) only this time I had stipulations. Cut grass on the weekends so that at least we don’t have to put our two small children in daycare for no real reason.

Maybe I haven’t had the courage to leave yet, but I have had the courage to follow my gut in the choices that are being made in my life daily, and it makes me feel good!

Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary. I’m on call for my job. Our 1 year old starts crying histarically as I’m on the phone dealing with my job. He’s in the kitchen making bottles. I can’t handle the baby as I’m on an important call. I eventually am irritated and ask him in an irritated tone to please grab the baby. What’s he doing? Grabs a baby and put me him on the kitchen floor as he continues to make bottles. The baby starts picking up dog hair, string, everything else I’m putting in in his mouth which still means I can’t focus on my call. When I get off of my call, I’m still irritated. He does these things on purpose I feel. I cursed him, he threatens me and says if I ever curse at him again, I’ll regret it. And he starts talking smack about my job. I throw my pouch of food on the ground and go to leave, and he throws a plate of chips at my head! The irony is, the reason I have to work 55 hours a week is because he had to have an $850 a month truck that he promised he was going to go work at a factory to be able to afford. Never even worked one day at that factory! I feel like this relationship is making me the abuser and I just don’t have the strength to leave!