u/malibu_390

We finally had the talk. As expected, we decided it was best to go our separate ways. Canon transmasc event I guess.

It sucks. But it also feels like I’ve finally stopped trying to force the beach ball under the water. It’s just there. It’s done. No more overthinking.

Yeah, it’s gonna hurt. But honestly, delaying on having this talk hurt me way worse than finally ripping off the bandaid. I’ve never had depression quite so bad as when I was trying to force myself to be “normal” for him.

I’ll cry, and I’ll grieve, but I think my new life can finally begin now.

…but man, I wish it didn’t have to be this hard.

I’ve built a “perfect” life. I have degrees, a stable job, a loving partner. Only recently have I begun to accept who I really am. And now, I’m silently grieving everything that I know I will lose whenever the silence inevitably grows unbearable.

My boyfriend says he’s only attracted to women. I’m not entirely convinced he isn’t bi, but that’s not my decision to make. All I have is what he’s given me, which is that he ‘wants me to be comfortable’ but only ever sees himself with a woman.

Read: he doesn’t want me to get any surgeries or hormones or change pronouns.

Until a few months ago, I was certain I was going to marry and grow old with him. Now, I feel fundamentally rejected by someone who already has access to the deepest, most vulnerable quadrants of my being.

Truth be told, it’s eating me alive.

Perhaps it’s selfish for me to say this, but I thought our bond transcended appearance. I thought we could weather anything. I thought that whenever attraction inevitably faded in the future, we’d have an indestructible foundation.

I was wrong.

Everything we are, everything we have, all the promises of forever and always— it’s all bound to two flesh sacks on my chest.

It’s sobering.

I will be fine. I always am. I’m nothing if not tenacious.

But god, I wish it never had to be this hard.

I’m the type that needs to rationalize everything. So naturally I made a list of all the things that should’ve made any sane person go “hm what about that”

But nah. Not me apparently. (I’m 27 for context)

1. Thought it was cool that dad stood up to pee. Tried to “train myself” to do that. About 3-4 years old.
2. Would stuff my footed pajamas with stuffed animals to look “bigger” and “stronger.” Genuinely don’t know how long I did this
3. Highly competitive and loved proving I was faster, stronger, etc than the boys
4. Around 5 or 6 I wanted to play pretend as a boy character but couldn’t because “I was a girl” so I settled for the girl
5. Wrote a book where the main character was exactly like me except male
6. Disappointed to find out boys and girls had different parts
7. Always hated pictures of me in dresses because I thought I looked too “awkward” and “childish”
8. Used to pray for boobs so I could feel like I “fit in” with the girls
9. Would play pretend as male characters (even in the pool). When it was time to stop and get out of the water I’d get disappointed when I remembered I was wearing a one-piece instead of boy’s swim shorts
10. I once pitched my voice down so low my mom was afraid someone else was in the house lol
11. I would get upset at the boys for “throwing” competitions to let me win
12. Got extremely self-conscious and hated everything about how I looked from age 10. Spiraled into deep depression and anxiety
13. Thought I could “train myself” to have boy parts up until changing the diaper on my baby nephew when I was like 14. Then had this sobering realization like “oh we really are different, huh” (yes I’d seen anatomy books and stuff. For some reason it wasn’t ‘real’ to my brain until I saw it)
14. Leaned heavy into fem from 14-18ish
15. Found Star Wars at 16, learned I could dress more rugged “like Rey” and felt so cool
16. Once I found the prequels and Clone Wars I wanted to dress up like Anakin so bad but I couldn’t bc “I’m a girl” so I settled for Rey
17. Would get super excited if people thought I was a boy on voice chat
18. Found Bucky Barnes around 21. Wanted to cosplay him so badly. Said “eff it” and started putting together a cosplay in secret. The shorter wig made me realize I loved not having back length hair and I started wanting to cut my hair shorter. The very first time I put the whole cosplay on and looked masc I felt so good
19. I studied makeup and would obsessively watch videos of people who could shift from fem to masc easily
20. Got addicted to the high of wearing Bucky at conventions and would try to pass more and more
21. Eventually got people mistaking me for an actual man and I got so unbelievably happy and excited but told myself it was just “because I had a really good cosplay”
22. Ordered a binder “for the cosplay”
23. Booked a shoot with a photographer that helped me realize a lot of my fem mannerisms and showed me how to pose more masc instead
24. Started working out. Lifting weights. Dressing more androgynous
25. Filmed so many tiktoks in masc cosplay and loving it
26. Going to as many conventions in masc cosplay as I could to chase the high
27. When I passed by a wall that caught my shadow, I’d sometimes stop and angle myself until it looked like I had broad shoulders and slimmer hips, then continue my day content
28. Being BAFFLED that my lesbian friend hated being called they/them. Like why wouldn’t you want that??
29. Around 23 my mother confronts me demanding to know if I’m gay or trans. Of COURSE I deny it.
    But this was the first time I feel fear instead of happiness in my newfound self. I realize I’m not safe.
    So… I never present masc around her again. Not when I can help it. The cosplays get boxed up. I change into the masc ones at conventions. I never show her the photos. I stop working out. I fix the mannerisms I’d replaced. I wear a bra again. And… I tried not to think about it ever again.
30. Cut my hair shoulder length at 24 “for the maintenance”
31. Cut my hair even more a few months later
32. Even MORE a few months later
33. Four years later… I now have a fluffy short cut and somehow was still surprised to get results on an online quiz that I was trans. And so I made this list to convince myself I wasn’t and accidentally did the opposite.

Anyway, these small things brought me immense joy recently: my brother saying I acted more like a boy than any girls he knew, my bf showing me a tiktok he’d liked that said something like “the man’s eyes I love are brown” (and he quickly validated that he meant woman, obviously), people “accidentally” calling me they/them, someone saying I had enough peach fuzz to pull off a good natural stubble for cosplay…

Genuinely, how tf can you be so clueless. I think I’m winning awards.