u/marvel-verse

I get anxous leaving my house. So i started struggling in school and as I'm not very pretty, don't understand a lot social cues and I'm not the social type so I either get ignored or bullied and this just makes it all worse. I ended up just stopped going.

After a few months, i started showing up for 30 minutes after school but my mum couldn't handle it with work and when me and my stepdad had reached my school it was time to pick up my little sister from nursery & by then the students were leaving and that made me anxious.

Once i got stopped by a teacher and she told me to go in for one lesson on Monday and added more lessons and by Friday I would be in for the full day (?) Obviously I and my mum were a bit pissed about this since she could not comprehend that I couldn't go in because of the just anxiousness and the fact I have almost thrown up multiple times just at the thought of getting dressed and going to the school.

So eventually they invited me to go to this school for anxious kids but its in a college so that makes me anxious and we have to go on this bus full of kids and we aren't allowed to listen to music or even have our phones and I hate being without my phone. Music calms me down and just knowing my phone is near me also calms me down. I just like to think I can ring someone if something bad happens.

(I tend to overthink and assume something horrible is going to happen anytime I'm away from home which makes me even more anxious to the point I want to cry and throw up.)

I agreed to going to the trial for it in September and they said they wouldn't fine my mum or threaten to send her to court (according to my mum) but they did. Now, my mum wants me to show them my diary to show i am too anxious going to school (which she read the diary without my consent because it "fell out" I told her she shouldn't have read it even if it had fallen)

Now i have to open up to a doctor, write a statement and i'm full of guilt. I never meant for anything to happen I just felt sick to my stomach whenever I thought of even going to school i never thought it would go this far but i understand its my fault. I have a family support worker which I can talk to and she brought me to school for the lessons I was comfortable with doing.

She's really nice and has helped me so far but I can't open up to her with most things despite meeting up with her and going places (like starbucks, art club, etc) multiple times.

I don't know how to write a testimony or how I'll open up to a random doctor i dont think I'd be able to open up to him (i assume it would be a guy since there's not really any women doctors in my local doctors) I feel less comfortable with guys and would prefer a woman but i dont think i get to choose.

I need help on what to do because all of this makes me anxious, guilty and sad. Everyone keeps mentioning it and mentioning how i and my little sister would be taken away from our home and how much m0ney my parents would have to spend on lawyers & if they got fined- I'm not trying to gain sympathy to gain anything from anyone (stating for the rules). It makes me feel even more guilty and I feel so bad about it and it makes me just want to stay in bed and cry but I can't because I know its my fault and its just punishment for what happened.