u/meNoLadder111

Sometimes I want nothing more than to see you again and speak to you again.

But what would we say? What would change? It's selfish of me to want to talk, I know I made the right choice.

Even when I see you in my dreams I'm reminded why I left, I know there's nothing left for me there but my brain still has to remind me.

I miss you dearly and wish there was a painless way for us to speak once more. But it's a bad idea. What's the point of knowing you all over again?

Trying to focus less on being vague and more on being true. We have been truly over for 3 years, and you reach out now. I don't understand. The break up was bad, yes, and I take accountability for my role in that, I made the pain so much worse for you after I ended us. The back and forth that followed was messy and unnecessary and I'm so sorry.

The last time we spoke I told you how sorry I was (I'll never know if you read that message) but I know how selfish it was of me to put you through that. I'm sorry. We last spoke 18 months ago. You asked me to stop reaching out and I promised I would put it to rest. It was then I swore I would never bother you again. I couldn't keep hurting you with intermittent messaging that only suited myself. I couldn't keep hurting myself either.

And what about last year? When I saw you in your truck, side by side we sat in traffic. I saw you look at me and I looked away, I froze. Then you with your hands behind your head when I passed you. It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds but every moment of that interaction is burned into my brain. I dissected every aspect for weeks, I hadn't seen you for so long. Why didn't you say something then? Why now? Did you see me again and I just didn't see you?

One message, and you didn't even say anything. I tried to be the bigger person and I blocked you before I let my curiosity get the better of me. Like a drug you're impossible for me to put down once I've picked you up. I wanted to protect us both. What did you want? Why? Why? Why? Not a single day has passed that I don't think about you. I worry about you. I hope you are well. But it can't be me who worries anymore. I don't know. I want to hear about your life since I've left it, I want to know how you fill your days, do you still do the same things for fun?

I can't bring myself to text or call. I want to, I itch for it. What I wouldn't give to have one last conversation with you, sitting in the grass passing a joint back and forth, just talking. A lot can happen in 3 years. But I won't text and I won't call. Because I know it's bad for me, and I don't know how long it would take me to recover, especially when millisecond of eye contact took me an entire summer to settle.

I will scream into the void instead. I wish you all the best my first love.

How am I supposed to respond to that? What did you want me to say? We've had the long drawn out break up, we had the last goodbyes and the real last goodbye. The well wishes. The closure. We have the no contact and we both stated that it was for the best that we don't talk. So why message me? Who does that help? Not me. Certainly not you. Did you just want to see if I could help myself? Not that I blame you, really, I couldn't for a long time. But now I'm consumed by questions for you. Rage for you? Guilt for you? It's been so long and I'm tired. I wish I could ask you. But it would hurt me if I sought out the answers I think I want and I think it would hurt you to hear them. I thought we both understood that. The mutually assured destruction of it all. So why?