I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced this specific kind of heartbreak. It feels so embarassing because I’m not a teenager I’m in my 30s. It just truly aches and it’s so hard to not think if I was just enough things would be different. I know someone thinks I’m enough but it really hurts that it’s not them.
I’ve been struggling with this for most of my life. It’s so embarrassing and time consuming as an adult. I know being sick is miserable but how much I just hate my body and am ashamed of it so much makes me want to relapse. How do I just get to a point of neutral? Why do I care? I feel so ruined.
Hi I have dealt with significant POTs and OH symptoms since my AN relapse 2.5 years ago. I’ve been weight restored about a year now and just got my period back. I would say I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. I still have noticed significant symptoms, even with consistent salt, hydration, compression socks, and slow changes up and down. They’ve reduced a LOT but still pretty tough. Not as often syncope, but definitely presyncope and tremors. I’ve reduced exercise duration and intensity. I do live in Arizona so I’m sure heat is a factor but just interested in any one else’s experience and any tips. I do think I’ve noticed increase of symptoms with stress and lack of sleep
I don’t know why but this passage stuck out a lot to me and I couldn’t help but analyze it and write about it and what I think it asks and argues about love. This is my first time doing something like this. Let me know your thoughts!
I think a major part of why it stuck out to me is that this is a confession of love, envy, grief, and inadequacy all tangled together from someone I view as extremely intelligent, confident, and poised. Mustang says Darrow’s love for Eo was something pure and consuming. Eo got the version of him who simply wanted to love and be loved. This makes her a bit jealous. However, she’s not just jealous of Eo, she is jealous of the timing because Eo knew Darrow before he became a symbol, before every relationship with him carried the weight of rebellion, duty, trauma, and empire. There is a loneliness in loving someone who had a foundational love before you, especially when that love became sacred in their memory.
Further, her insecurity also comes from the fear that being the person who truly understands someone may never feel as powerful as being the person who first changed them. She knows Darrow loves her she is not questioning whether his love is real. What she questions is whether her kind of love can ever compete with the mythic gravity of Eo. No matter how much he loves Virginia, she cannot give him “firstness.” She cannot be the person who awakened him. She can only be the person who stays beside him after awakening turned into suffering.
When she says “Eo loved him less than he deserved.” It’s not bitterness. It is pain. Eo’s love inspired Darrow, but she also used him. Eo gave him a dream, but that dream cost him his peace. She is almost saying: I may not love like Eo did, but I see him more fully. I know what he deserves.
Which I feel is about the tragedy of loving someone who belongs partly to a ghost, partly to a cause, and only partly to you. Despite being able to see him fully she is not able to love him fully given the roles and responsibilities they both have.
I feel like she’s making an argument that love is not just about intensity or passion. It is about truly seeing someone and loving them as they are, then choosing them however you can through action. Action sometimes of course meaning stepping back and staying steady. Love is presence, being known over time, showing up repeatedly, and building a life that includes one another. Yet as shes making this argument I think she’s still asking whether steadfast love can ever feel as transcendent as the love that first teaches someone who they are.
Eos love ignited Darrow, but it also demanded something from him. Her love changed the world, but it cost Darrow himself. That is why the line “Eo loved him less than he deserved” hits so hard. She is suggesting that loving someone fully means loving their humanity, not just their potential or usefulness to a cause.
Eo gave Darrow purpose. Mustang gives him understanding. One love transforms him into a legend; the other tries to preserve the man inside the legend. It is not about “who loves more.” It is about the difference between being someone’s dream versus being someone’s home.