u/micro_moth

Posted this in another food diaries sub and got my ass chewed out for having emotions ig.

Starbucks light vanilla latte

Someone I spent nearly all of my time with has recently told me he wanted to focus on a new relationship which meant we couldn't speak anymore. 4 years of daily communication, watching our favorite movies and shows together routinely, playing games together and just literally spending all of my free time with - gone so easily. Im not upset at the fact that he found someone and wants to prioritize their relationship. Im genuinely happy for him. I just miss him is all. In our last messages to each other I told him how much I appreciated him being my safe space and that I respected him and loved him (as a person.) And i wished him well in his new relationship. He just responded with "i hope things get better for you" and that was that. This was maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago now and I just feel really lost. Im autistic and thrive in routine, our time together was my routine. Wake up, get in call, watch something, hang out, hang up, text. This changed a little over the years obviously but more or less we were very scheduled with our hang outs. Now my routine is wake up and try to find something to do. I have other friends and im trying to make new ones, recently joined a local book club. But its just hard having so much change at once. I really hate that I've centered this one person so much in my life that him leaving has caused me this much stress but I get so hyper focused on people and things. Just wish I was normal with normal healthy relationships and I wish I knew how to be alone without being sad.

Thank you for all of the kind words, it really has meant so much to me reading everyones comments. My dad was such a loving person and it feels like hes loving me a little extra right now🩷

My dad (Ray) passed due to complications from a heart attack on Dec. 24th 2021. A few days before his passing while he was in the hospital after the initial heart attack my sister told him I was going to visit him. They were all in California while I was in Illinois. I never told her to tell him that as I had no way to get there. So she got his hopes up. We (my dad and i) had a phone call that lasted a few minutes - he told me he was excited to see me and i had to tell him I couldnt go because my husband couldn't take the time off work to take us there. We also couldn't afford 2 last minute round trip plane tickets but I didnt mention that. He sounded so sad and told me he had to go. My last words to him were "but ill see you in March. I love you please call me back when you can" after he passed i found out he called my sister in law the next day but he didnt call me. So in our last conversation I disappointed him, probably made him feel abandoned by me. I carry that so heavily in my heart. My dad held a lot of value in family being around him especially when he was ill. So I know i hurt him. I miss my dad so much. Im not a religious or superstitious person but I like the thought of him still being with me even though hes gone. But maybe he isn't because hes so upset with me.

Random cookies assortment (Costco Madeleines - hazelnut filled and raspberry filled. Wholefoods coconut cookie with chocolate coating. Wholefoods coconut and mango cookie.)

Im uninterested in most things. I've tried tons of hobbies but nothing sticks. Im autistic so I have a really hard time making friends in person. Im just super lonely and bored literally all of the time. My therapist, husband and a few online friends have all told me the same thing which is to put myself out there - go to group activities. That seems impossible for me.

Baklava, chana masala over samosas.

Any time someone talks to me I want it to last forever so im not left with my thoughts. I feel so annoying so I try my best not to be.

Culvers - kids burger with cheese curds and ranch. Vanilla and chocolate frozen custard with caramel drizzle, cookie dough and dove chocolate.

We broke up almost a year ago but we were still friends, still talked daily. Literally watched one of our shows together the other day like nothing. Got a message from him 5 mins before my dentist started drilling, "ive been seeing someone for a few weeks and didnt know how to tell you but its going really well." okay? And? Im happy for you thats awesome. "I think its best we dont talk anymore. Hope everything gets better for you" and thats it. 4 years of constant communication and I get less than 15 words as a final msg. Ive been asking for weeks if he had started seeing someone because he was acting weird, he denied it. I would've been fine with it. I would've backed off. And I would've preferred to stay friends if possible. But nah, hit me with some sad shit and then I had to get a filling :) i have a fear of abandonment and he really did like the worst possible thing to me instead of being a man and having a conversation with me. I wouldve accepted a goodbye much easier with an honest conversation and I wouldve respected him more. Now im upset with a numb mouth and a shitty burger.