u/mildlysadcat

The person who I was originally gonna go with decided to abandon me, and Forgotten Island failed at box office.

Oh, well, what am I supposed to do. I’m clearly insufferable to hang out with, and no foreigner’s gonna watch an Asian movie unless it’s made by the aesthetic East Asian countries with soft power. Sorry I'm not Kpop Demon Hunters enough for everyone.

Today, I was lonely, depressed, and had to further question whether or not I should even be proud of who I am.

All there is, is SHAME 😁

I know that I should be more understanding because it's the WEATHER'S fault and not the person I'm hanging out with. But the entitled, narcissistic bitch in me keeps telling me that if this person truly cared about me, they'd make it out to see me regardless of the fucking rain. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BAD OUTSIDE. I used to live in a country where you couldn't even go home sometimes because of the floods, but in this fancy first world country, I wouldn't complain.

Regardless of that, I'm just having a hard time not being angry about this shit. I really like this person as a friend and even started love bombing -- WHICH I NEVER DO -- and I would hate to get that itch I get when I feel like discard is the only option. I mean, I'm currently not fixing to do that right now, but I'm already thinking of this as strike one when I know it is unreasonable to feel this way.

On top of that, she's just been really dry and slow to respond with me in chat, so I'm concerned that I might actually be right in assuming she doesn't need me anymore. It'd be one thing if she was busy, but being dry and ghosting me sometimes when I'm super fucking nice? I don't know what to think.

I kind of regret getting that gift I have for her now too like what the fuck. Wasted money on her for no reason.

For once, I'm focusing on my relationship with my parents rather than my relationship with my sibling, but considering the kind of family dynamic that was caused by my disabled brother, I still felt more comfortable posting here than anywhere else.

Since my parents spent most of my childhood catering to my sibling, my needs were obviously unmet, and it got to a point where I developed an attachment style mixed between avoidant-dismissive and avoidant-fearful. On one hand, I do not care when they come and go, and I am very independent with little need for emotional consolation; on the other hand, I am anxious around them, always seeking their praise, and constantly suffer with the low self-esteem they've caused me. As I result, I just do not like my parents. I always dreamed of being adopted by a better family, and now that I am an adult, I yearn for the day I have enough money to leave their roof. Above all, I wish nothing to do with the fat fuck that is my younger sibling.

All this to say, I recently made a new friend. I consider her my only friend at the moment, and we are very similar on many things. One of these qualities just so happens to be the fact that we're both 100% Asian, and while her face clearly spelled her lineage, I noticed her (very white) last name did not. Early on in our friendship, she told me she was adopted from China, has a white father, and a Vietnamese mother.

I don't know a lot of people who are adopted, so her family dynamic was one of the things I was curious about. I would ask her questions about it, but nothing was more telling than her actual behavior.

Throughout the months that I've known her, she...

• Made a whole Instagram post with a sweet message wishing her mom happy birthday.
• Bought her dad full-priced t-shirts from his favorite store (Bass Pro) for Father's Day.
• Went on a father-daughter trip to Yellowstone Park where they fished together, etc.

Meanwhile, I...

• Reluctantly sent a cheesy "happy birthday" GIF to my mom for her birthday (I almost forgot her birthday).
• Reluctantly bought a discounted sweater (that was even cheaper with my employee discount) for Father's Day for my dad.
• Said no to going to church and having lunch with my dad because "I had to go to work" (I literally just stayed at the mall for 4 hours doing nothing).

Do you see the difference?

It's just... How could someone who didn't even come from her mother's womb have such a strong bond with their parents, while I -- someone who came from her flesh and blood -- be so indifferent? You'd think there'd be something more special there, a bond that can't be broken, yet others were able to recreate all that and more just by hoping on a plane to Beijing.

Perhaps it's because she was chosen and I was a mistake.

For the record, no, Mods, I am NOT beefing with other subreddits, but if this angers you, feel free to delete.

The current influx of people coming in here and treating us like barbaric gorillas caged in the zoo is just fucking unbelievable.

I mean, I know that this is bound to happen with our disorder because of the fuckass media, but is it just me, or is it all just too much atm? And it isn’t just the abuse victims either — there seems to be a lot of “am part of the club?” posts, with one of them accusing some of the commenters for “gatekeeping NPD”…

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?

Before I was officially diagnosed with NPD, I was suspected to have AvPD, and people are just nothing but nice over on their subreddit. I also lurk a lot on the one for ScPD (I relate to traits), and one of the posts I saw was a normal person praising the subreddit for being “so chill” (which I admit is true, but god damn it). I’ve never visited our cousins over at BPD, but with how much social media romanticizes them, I’m willing to bet they don’t get as much shit from the regulars.

Just… Why is it always fucking us, dude?

Like, this shit’s hard enough, and we don’t even get a break from the general public.

No wonder why a good chunk of us would rather keep the mask on than change for the “greater good.”

Meant to upload this yesterday, but only got to do that now.

Since starting my first job, I’ve been earning quite a bit of money for myself. I always spend it on clothing or food, but I decided that today, I’ll do something fun for once. Naturally, I would have loved to have someone accompany me during my little outing (and maybe even split a couple bills), but I tried my hardest not to think about that as I explored the day with music from my airpods blasting into my ear.

I’ve been meaning to get a haircut for a while now, so I made an appointment at a place nearby hoping to get a few inches off. I didn’t get anything fancy (what am I — attractive enough to pull off good hair?), but it felt pretty great knowing that my hair is appears much tidier and is easier to style. My stylist even cut my hair in a way that makes it look cute without the help of my flat iron, and I never really thought I looked good with my natural hair, so I was pleased with the job. It was pretty affordable too, for an American hair salon (I usually get my hair cut when I go home).

Then, it was off to lunch. I wanted to try a new place with something that I always perceived as “very American” and haven’t gotten the chance to try: chicken and pancakes. I know that it’s usually paired with waffles, but I’m more of a pancake person, and when I saw that this diner had cinnamon-beignet pancakes, fried chicken strips, and maple-buffalo syrup, I was sold. I got a side of seasonal fruit and some tea, and IT WAS DELICIOUS! The contrast of flavor and texture between the chicken and pancakes were everything and more.

For my final hoorah, I decided to check out this arcade I found nearby. I used to love going to arcades when I was younger, and when I found out this specific place does “half point Tuesdays on all games,” I was determined to play all the arcade machines I wanted to try. Truthfully, I did waste a good chunk of those points on claw machines (that I did not unfortunately win), BUT I was extremely good at this sandbag toss game where you throw sandbags in holes to get tickets. I was able to rack up 713 total, and redeemed a cute corgi plush from the prize counter!

It was such a simple day spent all by myself, and I was smiling the whole time. Even when I got home to take my afternoon nap, my good mood still pushed through, and I woke up wanting to get some progress done on my Animal Crossing island.

I just had some dinner, and since r/jpop’s weekly roundup came out yesterday, I’ll be sifting through it to see if I can add more music to my playlist.

I hope my fellow FAWs are having a good day too <3

I also operate solely on cognitive empathy. I know that people have issues and things like that, but deep down in my albeit shallow heart, I don't actually want anything to do with people's feelings. It makes me uncomfortable, and quite frankly, it just fucking kills the mood. Suddenly, conversations aren't going how I want them to go when they get all upset, and topics have to change.

But I just know that acting without enough empathy is a social death trap, because people will peg you as cold, unsympathetic jackass who doesn't care. That being said, in situations where it's required, my mind always goes overdrive, trying to think about what to say/do to prove to people that I'm not a bitch.

Just today, I was closing up at the store I work part-time at with a manager. She's a nice woman, and there have been times where I've been a bit emotionally vulnerable with her because I just went through a hard few months (I was literally crying at work). I respect her as, in those moments, she was nice enough to care when nobody else would.

Anyway, she seems to be in a bit of a rough patch herself, and after a phone call she took with her ex-husband, she had a bit of a breakdown in the back. It's a pitiful situation, but once again, I was annoyed because we were having such a fun talk before she got all upset. It made me uncomfortable as it always does, but I had to do the normal thing to do and console her a bit.

I just really tried to back her up and say that the feelings she had were valid. She's also currently sick, so I told her about some OTC stuff she can take to help while she doesn't have insurance (I'm a nursing student so I would know). I wished her well as we parted ways, but as I'm sitting at home eating dinner, I felt like what I did wasn't quite enough -- especially since she had to deal with all those times I was upset, so now I owe her.

I'm afraid she'll think I wasn't as empathetic as I should be. My other coworkers are like super nice people, so I don't know if I'd measure up to them if they were in my place instead. That in mind, I messaged my other manager (she can see everyone's schedule) and asked if the upset manager would be there tomorrow. She will be, so I'm taking some time from my off day to drop off a one dollar grocery store doughnut for her.

I don't even know if the doughnut will be enough to repay her, but I personally don't like spending money on people that aren't myself, so one doughnut for one dollar it is. I just hope she’ll like the flavor I pick out. Or maybe I'll just get the coolest-looking one instead.

I work part-time at a clothing store where all the women I work with are pretty as fuck, so it gets kinda awkward when they talk about having a normal, fulfilled life while I can’t relate to any of their conversations. I can’t stand to hear about them anyway because it completely turns my whole mood around.

Nonetheless, the types of experiences they come across are just so fascinating to me in a sense that… “Damn, people actually go through this shit? It’s not just in the movies? It’s fucking real?”

To put things into perspective, the store I work at is right next to a café known for being expensive and having yellow cups (iykyk). There aren’t a lot of dudes who work there, but there are a few, and one has taken a special liking to (let’s call her) M.

M has the reputation of a Ms. Smiles-A-Lot. She likes everyone and everyone likes her. At her college, she’s part of a sorority and she has a loving boyfriend. She doesn’t fucking like me at all (that’s a story for another time; let’s just say she gives me dirty looks), but she’s otherwise a very happy person who’s socially invincible and everyone just wants to eat her up.

Anyway, some guy at the café has been giving her special attention recently (cause ig the loving boyfriend isn’t enough), and I get so fucking sick of how innocent she plays. Every single time she picks up a drink order, he’s slipping her free pastries, and she’s still all, “omg, no, he’s just a super nice guy!” Meanwhile, he comes to the store one evening while I’m closing with a manager and he brings us a BAG full of pastries. The next morning, everyone was talking about, “lol he probably thought M was working that evening so he stopped by!” I’m guessing he was super disappointed to see my ugly ass there instead because he literally did a lap around the store before giving up and just handing them to me.

Then there’s (let’s call her) S. Also has a loving boyfriend and is just a total hottie. I’m Asian like her, but she’s full on ABG. Super nice girl who’s nice to me (thank fuck), but she stuns everywhere she goes.

Nothing big with her like with M, but today, she goes to the café and plans on ordering a drink that they didn’t have stock of. She gets something else as a result and is fine with it. Lo and behold, this guy comes in the store later with her usual order and hands it over to her, apologizing that they didn’t have it the first time.

Yk, I wanted a pumpkin-type drink the other day and they ran out of pumpkin.

Nobody got me the drink I initially wanted when they got a restock of pumpkin.

I’m just fucking flabbergasted atp, and I don’t care if anyone calls me entitled. I know I’m entitled (diagnosed NPD, thanks, I’m working on it maybe), but yk what? This shit still isn’t fair! Like people are actually getting things FOR FREE because they’re drop dead gorgeous. This is just another feather in my cap for when people tell me “pretty privilege isn’t real.”

BECAUSE IT IS!!!

I’m currently studying to be a nurse (because that’s all I can mentally and literally afford to do), and I wonder if that’s gonna get me enough.

I know that I can go to other countries and get plastic surgery there, but you can’t forget about the cost of the trip itself; I don’t even know how many days I’m gonna have to stay in that country for the whole procedure to take place.

I don’t know, I just keep seeing crazy transformations on my feeds. Uglies/averages end up looking like supermodels after a year of healing, and while people in the comment section are always quick to say, “her kids will reveal the truth,” all you have to do is either be childless or blame it on the concept of hidden/skipping genes.

Ugly people end up being scared of mirrors or obsessive mirror-checkers, and as the latter, I am so tired of ending up annoyed at every reflective surface I see.

It’s just draining trying to look even halfway decent everyday, especially when people can see past all of the makeup and fashion and into my ugly soul.

She’s not exactly my biological aunt — just a long-time friend and coworker of my mother — but in my culture, that makes her worthy of the title “aunt.”

I never really looked at her family as much as I do now, but ever since following her social media and her son’s social media, I can’t help but feel anger festering inside me whenever I see any one of her darling family-related posts.

Her family sort of mirrors my own.

In hers, there is a husband and a wife with two kids: an older daughter and a younger son. They started out in the Philippines and only (very) recently moved to America with one of their children (the son), while leaving the eldest and adult daughter at home (she already has an established career).

Meanwhile, my family also has a husband and wife with an older daughter (me) and a younger brother, though the age difference is only one year. My father and I emigrated to America nine years ago, leaving my mother and brother in the Philippines with a live-in nanny that helps out. No, they are not divorced; we just live this way.

Sounds pretty cozy, right?

Well, you thought fucking wrong because there’s a reason I’m in this sub.

I’m fully convinced that we would have been a successful and happy family like my aunt’s if it weren’t for my fucking brother. While they get to be a normal, blessed family who cherishes every moment with each other, our entire dynamic depends on the stupid fat fuck who should have been put up for adoption long ago.

My aunt is always posting photos of her family having fun and going out together, meanwhile we can’t even eat in a restaurant without 1) a stranger’s drink being stolen 2) sitting in the sad corner of a restaurant so that we aren’t seen by anybody 3) still getting glances when he yells during his embarrassing stims/meltdowns 4) getting into an argument over his misbehavior, and 5) getting our own food stolen because the fat fuck needs to just eat everything ig. I don’t think we’ve even gone anywhere remotely interesting as a family because it’s always such a hassle bringing my brother to any public space. But I always see my aunt and her family riding bikes and playing pickleball with each other. I don’t even have friends to do that with.

My aunt and her son recently uploaded a bunch of lovely posts for the husband’s birthday. And it’s always like this during some event — first days of school, awards, achievements, or just sweet nothings. Meanwhile, I dont think our family even truly loves each other. I definitely don’t like my brother or either of my parents, and I only wish to keep my parents around for financial support (thank god they at least give me that). I don’t think my parents have the same love they did before the fat fuck was born because all of their energy goes towards taking care of him. And I don’t think my brother is even capable of love. If he is, I certainly don’t feel it whenever he physically harms me.

I just don’t fucking get it, yk? I feel so robbed. I feel like I keep looking at what life could have been if my brother wasn’t the freak he is.

It’s not even about the disorder at this point — if he had to be born the way he is, then I would have gladly accepted a less severe version. I always hear my older coworkers talking about how great their high-functioning kids are, and I can’t fucking stand it knowing what I could’ve had for a life.

It feels like everyone and everything is always being selfish towards me, and they’re rubbing all the shit I get in my face.