u/mimiisty

Hey all, hope this is ok to post, it’s maybe not the most relevant to progressive themes but figured y’all would be the most relevant to my values :)

To cut a very long story short for context:

• Born again pentecostal at 16. Quickly became heavily involved in the church & evangelism
• Ostracised by 18 for the crime of reading some Pete Enns and wanting to discuss it (this was enough to be called demonic & had friendships cut)
• Had a very intense year after that oscillating between being fully off the rails & being so conservative I made my old church look liberal
• Left it all behind when I went to uni as I was sick of the wrestling

Now 24. I’ve found myself in a place where despite varying levels of faith, I’ve got a really solid church community where I do feel safe (which I didn’t think I’d feel again)

However I’m haunted by the trauma of my previous experiences and I find it hard to relate to other Christians who may fit more neatly into the christian family OR ‘born again fire’ boxes. I’m scared to press any deeper into my faith and wrestle with the questions I still have because I’m scared of losing either my community or my faith again. So I am torn between knowing these people would be genuinely helpful to speak to but also being terrified to.

The things I hold on to are: I have an unshakeable logical belief that God is essential for us to have any objective morality (or, increasingly any objective reality tbh). I have a strong belief that there have been specific supernatural interventions in my life. And I know that every time I go away from my belief in God, I pursue it again, so I am making the choice to continually pursue Him.

Atm I am really thinking a lot about death and mortality which is not pleasant, and while I have prayed on it I really do need to read and contemplate. But it’s!!! so!!! scary!!!

I feel like I’m trying to protect myself by not exposing myself to anything that might challenge me, but I know that challenge is where what I need will be lying. The concept of lament and questions and tbh anger towards God, being acceptable and even necessary, is still new to me.

More a vent than anything and it was helpful to write that, but if anyone has experienced similar (or has any recommendations for reading about death which is not just aaaaaaH eternal torment for everyone) I’d love to hear

i love a 3-6 parter, proper british drama.

vibes: institutional, ordinary people in hard situations, emotionally wrecking, aspects of social commentary / psychological side of things.

just finished: the undeclared war (c4)
favourite series that encapsulates the brief: waiting for the out (bbc)

things i’ve watched previously and loved:
• the capture
• screw
• time
• showtrial
• bodyguard
• the cage

thank you!