some disorganized thoughts from an upset female fan (im sorry i just have to get some things out of my system or i won't be able to get to sleep. forgivr me)
I have attempted to slightly organize my thoughts in a numbered list
1: fucking ow
i have a lot of very intense feelings about the new sound and greep's music in general. it hits me in some very very vulnerable places, some which are pretty normal and some of which are really really fucking embarrassing. i was actually in the middle of writing a video essay dissecting my own relationship with this particular piece of art. i let it permeate into my brain in the same way ive done with a lot of my autistic special interests, they become a piece of me.
so when i find out something that makes it necessary for me to disentangle something from myself it can be a real shock to the system. if you're feeling the same i understand completely. right now i'm physically shaking and feel really nauseous. even that is really really embarrassing to admit.
even though i feel like i'm too upset, i'm not trying to blame myself for that. i think it's really normal to presume some level of parasocial (neutral) trust with an artist when you have an emotional connection with their work. i think it's a subconscious thing for me
2: benefit of the doubt
anyone trying to convince you that women routinely lie about sexual assault is a fucking misogynist and you should not listen to them. women are far, far more likely not to say anything when they are sexually harassed or assaulted or attempt to convince themselves that what happened wasn't really that bad (source: hi. this happened to me. i was little and was dismissed when i bought it up to someone i thought would take me seriously. it wasn't traumatizing or anything but certainly made me feel like shit).
sometimes genuine miscommunications can happen, though. i've been stuck in the middle of those before too, and it was utterly awful for everyone involved.
i'm not saying that's what it was, greep could be deliberately downplaying his actions, just because he's an awkward man doesn't mean he's bumbling through this without any agenda at all, but when the victim's point of view is being distributed secondhand that obviously muddies the water. i don't believe she has an obligation to reveal herself to the world and open herself up to the misogynistic abuse that would surely be hurled her way, but the uncertainty is uncomfortable to sit in.
3: art and performance
two of my favorite bands ever are neutral milk hotel and the music tapes. julian koster (frontman of the music tapes, bassist/accordionist/saw player in nmh) was in a predatory relationship with a teenage fan who accused him of raping her. it's a really messy situation but julian admitted to the relationship and i believe the victim when she says he raped her. this whole thing still breaks my fucking heart and makes me really upset.
after this some folks were like "wow. are you really surprised that there was a child predator in the i-wanna-fuck-anne-frank band?" or "wow, no wonder. he always acted so weird"
this statement is dumb for multiple reasons. julian wasn't writing the lyrics and also that's not what the album is about. but even if he was the one writing the lyrics im really weary about connecting someone's art or like. general vibe. to the thing's theyve done. like. i don't think greep writing an album about toxic masculinity is some sort of a long con covering up the fact that he was secretly evil the whole time or that fans should have known better. however
4: betrayal
part of the reason i liked the new sound was that it was a total skewering of toxic masculinity. i wanted to believe greep is a feminist ally. maybe he thought he was. but this just feels like every single other nice-seeming dude who ended up doing some gross shit.
im not happy right now.