u/momfricker

❗️warning: i swear i’m usually more literately capable but i just got home from a long shift and can’t be arsed to proofread or edit this so sorry for it being a complete and incoherent jumble of words.

i’ll try to keep this sort while still keeping in at least most of the things i consider to be relevant.

basically i like this guy who is (kind of) my friend (?) idk, like we’re not super close but we hang out in a group setting all the time and i’d say we’re both mutually fond of each other.

we met in college, but before we ever even spoke he followed me on ig. i just accepted him bc i recognised him from some of my classes and didn’t think much of it.

afterwards, i somehow started hanging out with his friends (but not him) bc i had more classes with them than him. but even so, i wouldn’t say i was like super close with any of them - just would occasionally walk to class with them or whatever and we could hold a normal conversation with each other.

anyways i noticed him interacting a lot more with my stories and posts. at first i thought of it as just kind of amusing and would keep my hometown friends updated like “(name) liked my story again, my #1 fan fr” like just thinking it was silly he seemed SO supportive even tho we had never spoken at that point. and it became maybe a bit suspicious to me when i realized he would like every single story. like not just an image of me that most people would like, but every single one no matter what the content of it was.

then he added me to his close friends, mind you we still had never spoken. tho just bc i was friendly with his friends i didn’t find it weird or anything and if anything it was kind of endearing(?) like idk i felt kinda flattered that this guy from my classes thought i was chill enough to randomly add me to his cf.

tho i kind of took it with a grain of salt, and didn’t let my mind immediately wander to him singling me out and adding me to it bc i know a few people who literally add everyone onto their cf except for a few select ones bc they dont like posting on their main (idk), so i thought maybe hes just one of those people.

then in person, he was once talking to a friend of mine along with some other guy, and i came up to them but mostly spoke with my friend bc i was in a hurry - though in hindsight maybe i seemed kinda rude here bc i was lowkey ignoring the guy im now crushing on and the other guy lol. but i did notice him kind of staring at me, tho he didn’t say anything nor try and make conversation so i didn’t think much of it.

anyways we finally “meet” aka talk for the first time. a bunch of us were going out as a group and he was really nice and funny and mostly chill, tho it did seem like he was maybe kind of nervous or maybe just overly polite bc we arent close. like i would say some really dumb joke and hed laugh almost too much it seemed ingenuine LOL idk how to describe it.

my timelines might be a bit off but by this point i do think i might have slightly thought that maybe he was interested in me purely based on the online interactions, so in my drunken state i did kinda try to tease him/ask about girls. in the full context of the whole conversation i promise me questioning him about this wasn’t obvious or suspicious, but i remember asking him about who he liked so i could “set him up” and he said smth like oh im not sure and just kinda laughed it off.

and also the whole night, given how much we had all had to drink and the overall atmosphere, i feel like if he was interested he’d have done at least something that would point to it. but the most i noticed was occasionally holding eye contact with me for a bit too long while singing and dancing but tbh alc does that to you sometimes so i don’t think it meant anything.

anyways so i maybe kind of started developing a crush on him that night just bc i thought he was cute and funny, but i also sort of shut it down immediately because i didn’t feel enough of a push from him at all in person.

anyways we’ve hung out a lot since then as a group, tho he’s not even all that present tbh, like he always leaves early or doesn’t even show up. the few times that he has i also feel like he’s had plenty of opportunities to at least seize a chance to be like close to me or smth IF he was interested but he hasn’t really done so. like there’s a seat open next to me and instead of sitting there he’ll let his friend pass through to sit there and then sit next to him.

but when there’s something cringy or weird going on somehow we’ll always accidentally lock eyes and both grimace or react to it in some way to each other.

there was one time where he grabbed my hand and ig didn’t need to but idk maybe he was just trying to really immerse me in this story he was telling in the moment.

anyways instagram wise hes still ridiculously active with the interactions. he even recently replied to a story of mine that i dont really feel like was all that reply-worthy but idk it was kind of a closed-conversation type of reply so i couldn’t even use it as an opportunity to text him or anything.

overall, i don’t really think he’s interested. i think he’s just really friendly, especially online and probably doesn’t see these interactions as a big deal. i just feel like if he was interested he would’ve taken one of the many opportunities to try to get closer to me or talk to me. but ig he could just be overly shy when he has a crush, cuz i guess i kind of get that. i tend to get awkward around my crushes too especially when im unsure how they feel about me, and ill refuse to sit/be next to them bc i’m afraid they’ll somehow figure out i like them and think i’m being creepy or smth by trying to be close to them haha. but i think that’s kind of a ridiculous way to think so i’m not sure that’s how he feels.

anyways just wanted a fresh perspective bc i can’t really talk to anyone irl about this bc none of my friends know about my crush on him, other than a few of them having told me they think we’d be cute together completely unprompted but tbh maybe they kind of caught onto my interest for him so that’s why they tease me about it.

As the title says

I was out with some not-so-close friends, tbh more people at that table were just acquaintances rather than actual friends, and I made the mistake of leaving my drink (“supervised” by another girl who was out with me) to go outside for a bit.

After returning and finishing the glass (my first of the night), I don’t remember anything past a certain point of tipsiness.

To not be too graphic I woke up the next day in a really disheveled state and super confused as to how I got home. And after calling a close friend who was out that night (not the one who was left with the drinks) she told me about how I was acting really drunk, made out with one of the guys with us, and then passed out in the club. Three people dragged me outside and called my roommate who picked me up and got me home safely.

The whole thing got super complicated, stopped talking to most people who were there that night because by account of that close friend all of them acted horribly in the situation. I was really out of it for about a week but thankfully have a really good friend group who all helped me feel more normal after it.

And I honestly thought I was mostly over it until today when I saw the guy I had made out with in that state and I just felt really disoriented. His friend said hi to me and asked me something but I honestly can’t remember even hearing what it was because I just remember feeling this rising anxiety in my chest from seeing him for the first time since what happened.

I just feel really stupid for being so impacted by it, especially seeing as I wasn’t assaulted and woke up in my own bed the next morning. Like nothing actually happened but I still feel so violated over it. And I’m still so mad at everyone involved who I cut contact with afterwards. I know that logically it wasn’t my fault, but I shouldn’t have left my drink (even if it was guarded by someone I trusted). I feel like I messed up and I wish I could go back so badly and just not even go out that night.

I know I’m being dramatic because so many worse things could’ve happened to me in that state, and I’m so grateful they did not, and weirdly I’m even somewhat glad that it happened to me who had trusted friends out there who helped me out and called my roommate to get me rather than it happening to some poor girl who either went out alone or with shitty friends who would have left her there for God knows what to happen to her.

It’s really negatively impacted my relationship with men in general. I’ve become really pessimistic about them as a whole, and as someone who used to be a hopeless romantic I now feel disgust when considering a romantic relationship with a man. I feel like if I do ever date a man he will have to put a hell of a lot of effort into proving he’s morally good for me to even consider going out with him.

I don’t feel comfortable venting about this to anyone in my life, just because I don’t want to be beating a dead horse as I’ve already had multiple conversations about this with close friends and have mostly worked it through, but I just feel like this small moment in my life has completely reshaped fundamental parts of my psyche and I’m not sure how to just go back to normal.