u/mozzbitch

Hi everyone, I'd love some advice on the situation I'm in now. Sorry this is kind of long, TLDR at the bottom.

Background:
My fiancé and I always planned to have a child-free wedding. There's too many young children on my side of the family to accommodate everyone. However, I have two nieces aged 3 and 5. Shortly after the engagement, a year and a half ago at this point, I was on the phone with my sister. She just said, "So obviously the girls will be the flower girls. Which color do you want them to wear down the aisle?" I figured since the cocktail hour and reception was to be child-free, the ceremony should be too. But I acted as if that was always the plan and went along with it because I'm very conflict-avoidant.

She agreed that the cocktail hour and reception should be child-free. She said children would ruin the vibe. Her own wedding was child-free. There was the flower girl and ring bearer, but they were quickly ushered to their hotel room after the ceremony. I don't remember seeing them at the cocktail hour and reception.

The agreed-upon plan was for my BIL to drop them off at home where his mom will watch them (plus their little sister who's 1) and come back. Everyone that they would trust to drive the kids is already invited to the wedding so that's their only option. The venue is 35 minutes from their house without traffic. So, not far away enough to justify booking a hotel room, but just enough that it's annoying to go back and forth.

The current situation:

My wedding is soon now and she called me up saying she'd prefer them to stay for reception. Her reasons are that my BIL would miss a good chunk of the cocktail hour and reception (since he would have to get them settled at home and then Uber back so he could drink), and that it's too much trouble for a minute of walking down the aisle. Which I totally understand, that's a lot of trouble.

But at the same time, I'm annoyed because I was kinda strong-armed into this in the first place. I never asked for them to be the flower girls. I'm nervous that they'll make noises, refuse to walk down the aisle, refuse to sit down afterward, or make some other kind of scene. Which, that's fair. It would be a long day for them taking pictures in an uncomfortable outfit with probably no nap.

She said maybe we could have just my older niece come which I feel is also not ideal because then she would have no one to play with. I'm not sure if having both of them at the reception is better (so they could entertain each other/hoping they don't get bored), or if having just the older one be flower girl/come to the reception is better.

I raised some points/asked some questions:

• Other couples with kids could get annoyed because there's a child/two children at a wedding when they were asked to secure childcare.
  • She shot this down with it's different because they're in the wedding party which I've seen mixed opinions on this.
• They would be bored.
  • She said they'll be fine because they have my fiancé and I, the rest of the immediate family, and some of our aunts and uncles.
• They don't have a hotel room, what if they get tired?
  • She was hoping they could stay in the bridal suite. I told her my fiancé and I would be going up there throughout the day/night to regroup. I don't know if she plans on leaving them unsupervised in there, but I definitely don't want that.

I told her I had to talk to my fiancé and get back to her.

More thoughts I had after talking to my fiancé that didn't cross my mind during my conversation with my sister:

• Personally I don't want to be on kid-duty at my wedding. I'll be with them before the ceremony begins. As for the reception, I'll be with them for a bit, but that's pretty much it. We won't really get to talk extensively with anyone. Besides going table to table to thank everyone, we'll be dancing. I see them way more often than most of the other people invited. I haven't seen my friends in a year because of the planning and I intend on spending some time with them and having a good time. Regarding everyone else, I think it's a disservice to them to expect them to entertain a child. We didn't book any entertainment for children.
  • For example: my fiancé has a younger cousin who is one of the few children on his side of the family and he has disrupted every single wedding he's been to. (Dancing during the father/daughter dance, clinging to the groom when he's trying to talk to everyone, etc.). I don't want anything like that to happen. And I think my sister and BIL, and every other adult, is looking forward to having a night off.
• Kind of related to the first point, but I just don't know how they'd do at a wedding without entertainment catered toward them. They love playing outside (it's an indoor wedding). But most of the time when I see them, they're watching/playing games on the TV, the tablet, or someone's phone. Honestly rarely playing with regular toys. But I'm only their aunt so maybe they play with toys and I just don't see it. But they can't bring toys to the wedding and a tablet... maybe at reception with headphones so it's not disruptive? Although I don't know if they have headphones for it.
  • Just expanding on this further. They really like being the center of attention and struggle when they're not, or if they're bored. I visited their house for my birthday and the whole immediate family + significant others were there. They were in the living room/play room with all their toys and various gadgets. We were sitting at the kitchen table playing cards and talking. They came up saying they're bored. I pulled up some chairs and gave them coloring books and that seemed to occupy them for a little while before they got bored of that.
  • After dinner and dessert, we watched home movies for a little while. It was getting late at this point. We ended up leaving around 10PM-10:30PM and I was confused as to why they hadn't put the girls to bed. Naturally they were overtired, bored, and wanted to do something else. Right before we left, my niece approached me and told me, "It's time for you to go home now." Apparently, their bedtime routine is watching TV before even going to the bedroom so I was preventing her from going to sleep. So that's what we're dealing with here. (Mini rant: When I was a kid, we'd all play with each other and leave the adults to socialize. At some point I guess the norm changed and all family events are expected to be centered around the children.).

What should I do?

Because of my reservations stated above, I would prefer that they don't go. I just don't think it would go well. I'm not sure if they would be able to entertain each other with no toys when everyone is doing their own thing. And if I invite just the older one, she would probably be going from person to person trying to get people to play. I'm also a super anxious and neurotic person and I feel like if they're there, I'll just be worried that something wrong instead of in the moment.

On the other hand, I feel guilty not inviting them since they're my family. Like, not inviting your nieces would be a pretty big statement right? My family is pretty close. But they're also very judgmental and everyone kinda talks shit about each other. Triangulating is a big thing in my family.

Taking into consideration the pros and cons of not inviting them (pro: there's little to no hitches at the wedding con: my family will most likely get mad at me), what is your honest advice? I'm not sure what to do so I'd like to hear more thoughts. Thanks in advance.

TLDR: After getting engaged a year and a half ago, I was pressured into having my two young nieces (5 and 3) be the flower girls. My sister agreed they should be dropped off at home after the ceremony. Now the wedding is soon and she wants them to stay (or just the older one) for the reception. They get bored easily and they'll be tired so I don't think it will go well. That's not even addressing all the other couples that secured childcare to come. But my family is very judgmental and everyone talks shit about each other so I'm sure I'll be the family asshole if I do this.