u/mug_of_red_ale

Hello!

Buying a property that needs some work. The west side of the house has no windows, so I was looking at opening 2 new windows in either upstairs bedrooms. How would one go about this? My Google searches yielded nothing for thick concrete walls and my structural engineer only noted "it's possible if you really want to". Are there window installation companies that are happy to cut through 50cm thick concrete walls? Or do I have to get someone out separately to cut the opening and install a lintel? I've done plenty of DIY but this doesn't seem like a DIY job. Any advice or clues appreciated.

(The windows would not face any boundary, and face away from the street, so I dont think planning permission is an issue)

For context I, 37F, have been living in different country from my father since I was 18. My parents emigrated in the '80s and once I finished school, myself, my mother and her sister came back home. My father decided to stay. Suffice to say my parents are separated, pending divorce - more on this later. I used to go home to visit once a year to see my dad, my cat, and my friends. But as I got older, I ended up in a very abusive relationship and wasn't able to go home at all. I haven't been there since I was 21.

Before we moved, we packed 98% of our belongings and had them shipped here. There were a few personal and sentimental items that we had left behind with the full intention of either retrieving them ourselves, or having them shipped over. When I would go home to visit, I would pack whatever I could into my suitcase to bring things over piece by piece. Any time my dad would come home to visit (usually once or twice a year) he would ask if there was anything that he could bring. He usually wasn't able to find them though despite being told exactly where everything was.

Growing up, my mother was very abusive. Not just to me but to my dad as well. He emotionally checked out when I was about 5 and despite years of therapy, I've never been able to quite swallow that pill. I never really felt good enough or loved, and that feeling has never gone away. I never felt like I was a priority at all. Someone or something else was always more important than I was. As an only child, this was incredibly lonely. I had my books, my games and my cat but I was always just so fucking lonely and sad. Things got worse for a while after I moved away. I lived with my mother initially who used me as a go-between to 'get money' from my dad. It got to the stage where he would just stopping taking my calls. In the years since, I've survived one abusive relationship and one separation. My relationship with my dad has gotten much better, but I still feel like I'm on the bottom of his list of priorities. When he comes home to visit, he visits his sister (my aunt whom I adore) and my lovely grandfather who sadly passed away earlier this year. I might see him once. The last time I made arrangements to go up to see him and the rest of the family...he forgot. Told the man three times over three days - and he forgot. This is the same man who didn't come to my graduation from school because mowing the lawn was more of a priority that day.

Flash forward to the current issue - my mother has been refusing to sign divorce papers for 18 years and my dad is just fed up at this stage I'm assuming. The fact that they're in two different countries can't help matters. He was advised to sell the family home over there, give my mother her half, and that should help things go more smoothly. I found out two weeks ago that was actively selling and had a buyer. Naturally, there were quite a lot of feelings that came up. I've always been a really sentimental person and despite some bad memories, that house was my home for 18 years and it's sad to see it go. I asked my dad about the few bits and pieces that I knew were still in the house - the same things I'd been asking about for years. There were photographs in boxes, some framed, old camcorders with my graduation on it and so many memories from when I was a young child and teenager, and a few collectibles that I'd held onto to sell.

I don't think he's been living there, but I don't know and he hasn't told me. He has a really amazing partner now that I absolutely adore and I'm assuming he'd been living with her. So I asked him if he goes up to the house at all and would he mind looking for those things. He told me that he's there every day and that he did a walk through and didn't see anything of interest. I mentioned specifically what I was looking for and exactly where they had been kept. Then he dropped a bombshell that totally threw me for six. He told me that he thought everything had been thrown out. My mother (that I've been no contact with for 5 years) had also been asking him about things left behind. He had had everything cleared out. Weeks ago.

I was pretty stunned to say the least. I couldn't understand it. I just kept saying that I wish I'd known he was going to do that. I would have made arrangements and paid to have my things sent over. He just kept saying sorry. The photographs, videos growing up, memories that I can never get back are just gone. And I can't understand why he didn't just let me know beforehand. He tried to shift blame over to my mother saying she probably sold it. She didn't. Who would buy baby pictures.

He said he'd check with the guy who did the clear out. Days go by - nothing. I message him yesterday. Turns out I know the guy who did the clear out. And everything - and I mean everything - went into to a landfill. This man had framed photographs of his only child that were hanging around the house taken down, dumped in a skip, and buried in a landfill. I was gutted. I had to ask so many questions to get answers, and in my desperation I emailed the landfill to see if there's any way to have anything recovered. I know what the answer is. But I felt like I at least had to try.

What really hurts is the fact that he didn't even want to keep a photograph for himself. He's so invested in his partner's life and her children and grandchildren. They call him grandpa. He doesn't even want to keep a single photograph of me. I've been trying so hard to build up our relationship and he doesn't even want a single photograph. He'd rather throw them in a landfill.

I feel insane. My dad seems annoyed with me. I can imagine what he's telling everyone and I keep rehearsing conversations in my head that I will eventually have to have to justify the fact that I'm upset. I know I've been gone a long time, but I don't know if anyone expects their parents - the only one they speak to - to just dump everything in a landfill. Now my dad has a bit of a track record of withholding information or giving incomplete truths and he's done things like this in the past. I had a laptop when I was in university that was a bit slow. My dad offered to bring it home to get it repaired. He never brought it anywhere and donated it to a school instead. He didn't tell me about it for months and I didn't have another laptop of my own until 5 months ago.

I can't even message him back right now. I've been crying over this since it happened and I'm so angry and hurt. My mother has a lot of photographs but I have no way of getting access to anything. I have 8 photographs here in my apartment. My dad knows I don't talk to my mother. It just very much makes me feel so unloved and unworthy. Sorry for the insanely long post. Am I overreacting?

Edit: For clarification, my parents are from Ireland. They moved to America and then when I was 18 I moved to Ireland with my mother. My father didn't want to come. It had been discussed for at least 3 years prior.

I've never not been in contact with my dad. The money thing was absolutely shocking and I do believe this was one of the things my mother did to drive a wedge between my dad and I. I've been no contact with her for 5 years.

I've always adored my dad. I've been trying since I was a very young child to build a really strong relationship with him. I know he checked out because of my mother, but unfortunately that gave her the avenue to abuse me further. I very much just want to feel that I matter to him as much as he matters to me.

For context I, 37F, have been living in different country from my father since I was 18. My parents emigrated in the '80s and once I finished school, myself, my mother and her sister came back home. My father decided to stay. Suffice to say my parents are separated, pending divorce - more on this later. I used to go home to visit once a year to see my dad, my cat, and my friends. But as I got older, I ended up in a very abusive relationship and wasn't able to go home at all. I haven't been there since I was 21.

Before we moved, we packed 98% of our belongings and had them shipped here. There were a few personal and sentimental items that we had left behind with the full intention of either retrieving them ourselves, or having them shipped over. When I would go home to visit, I would pack whatever I could into my suitcase to bring things over piece by piece. Any time my dad would come home to visit (usually once or twice a year) he would ask if there was anything that he could bring. He usually wasn't able to find them though despite being told exactly where everything was.

Growing up, my mother was very abusive. Not just to me but to my dad as well. He emotionally checked out when I was about 5 and despite years of therapy, I've never been able to quite swallow that pill. I never really felt good enough or loved, and that feeling has never gone away. I never felt like I was a priority at all. Someone or something else was always more important than I was. As an only child, this was incredibly lonely. I had my books, my games and my cat but I was always just so fucking lonely and sad. Things got worse for a while after I moved away. I lived with my mother initially who used me as a go-between to 'get money' from my dad. It got to the stage where he would just stopping taking my calls. In the years since, I've survived one abusive relationship and one separation. My relationship with my dad has gotten much better, but I still feel like I'm on the bottom of his list of priorities. When he comes home to visit, he visits his sister (my aunt whom I adore) and my lovely grandfather who sadly passed away earlier this year. I might see him once. The last time I made arrangements to go up to see him and the rest of the family...he forgot. Told the man three times over three days - and he forgot. This is the same man who didn't come to my graduation from school because mowing the lawn was more of a priority that day.

Flash forward to the current issue - my mother has been refusing to sign divorce papers for 18 years and my dad is just fed up at this stage I'm assuming. The fact that they're in two different countries can't help matters. He was advised to sell the family home over there, give my mother her half, and that should help things go more smoothly. I found out two weeks ago that was actively selling and had a buyer. Naturally, there were quite a lot of feelings that came up. I've always been a really sentimental person and despite some bad memories, that house was my home for 18 years and it's sad to see it go. I asked my dad about the few bits and pieces that I knew were still in the house - the same things I'd been asking about for years. There were photographs in boxes, some framed, old camcorders with my graduation on it and so many memories from when I was a young child and teenager, and a few collectibles that I'd held onto to sell.

I don't think he's been living there, but I don't know and he hasn't told me. He has a really amazing partner now that I absolutely adore and I'm assuming he'd been living with her. So I asked him if he goes up to the house at all and would he mind looking for those things. He told me that he's there every day and that he did a walk through and didn't see anything of interest. I mentioned specifically what I was looking for and exactly where they had been kept. Then he dropped a bombshell that totally threw me for six. He told me that he thought everything had been thrown out. My mother (that I've been no contact with for 5 years) had also been asking him about things left behind. He had had everything cleared out. Weeks ago.

I was pretty stunned to say the least. I couldn't understand it. I just kept saying that I wish I'd known he was going to do that. I would have made arrangements and paid to have my things sent over. He just kept saying sorry. The photographs, videos growing up, memories that I can never get back are just gone. And I can't understand why he didn't just let me know beforehand. He tried to shift blame over to my mother saying she probably sold it. She didn't. Who would buy baby pictures.

He said he'd check with the guy who did the clear out. Days go by - nothing. I message him yesterday. Turns out I know the guy who did the clear out. And everything - and I mean everything - went into to a landfill. This man had framed photographs of his only child that were hanging around the house taken down, dumped in a skip, and buried in a landfill. I was gutted. I had to ask so many questions to get answers, and in my desperation I emailed the landfill to see if there's any way to have anything recovered. I know what the answer is. But I felt like I at least had to try.

What really hurts is the fact that he didn't even want to keep a photograph for himself. He's so invested in his partner's life and her children and grandchildren. They call him grandpa. He doesn't even want to keep a single photograph of me. I've been trying so hard to build up our relationship and he doesn't even want a single photograph. He'd rather throw them in a landfill.

I feel insane. My dad seems annoyed with me. I can imagine what he's telling everyone and I keep rehearsing conversations in my head that I will eventually have to have to justify the fact that I'm upset. I know I've been gone a long time, but I don't know if anyone expects their parents - the only one they speak to - to just dump everything in a landfill. Now my dad has a bit of a track record of withholding information or giving incomplete truths and he's done things like this in the past. I had a laptop when I was in university that was a bit slow. My dad offered to bring it home to get it repaired. He never brought it anywhere and donated it to a school instead. He didn't tell me about it for months and I didn't have another laptop of my own until 5 months ago (which he buy for me as a gift in all fairness).

I can't even message him back right now. I've been crying over this since it happened and I'm so angry and hurt. My mother has a lot of photographs but I have no way of getting access to anything. I have 8 photographs here in my apartment. My dad knows I don't talk to my mother. It just very much makes me feel so unloved and unworthy. Sorry for the insanely long post. Am I overreacting?