u/ninjakitty47

Every. Single. Time.

Every time that I tell myself You need to move on. He isn't interested anymore. He's too good for you anyway. Stop thinking about him...

We spent three hours on the phone today! We started off talking about the 4th and that Obsession movie, and it evolved into us joking around, and laughing at the most ridiculous things, sharing personal details and opinions and observations, and talking about sex robots and sociopaths and your decorless apartment and fear of taking risks...

You are the only one I can converse with like this.

I'll be so bound and determined to stay in this mindset of It's not going to work out...

Then I get off the phone with you feeling like I could glow in the dark.

I fall in love with you all over again.

You're just so goofy and witty and smart, and ridiculous... And talking to you feels so, natural.

I'm helpless...

I wish you could stop being so afraid. Both of us, honestly.

Some risks might be worth taking.

Every. Single. Time.

Every time that I tell myself You need to move on. He isn't interested anymore. He's too good for you anyway. Stop thinking about him...

We spent three hours on the phone today! We started off talking about the 4th and that Obsession movie, and it evolved into us joking around, and laughing at the most ridiculous things, sharing personal details and opinions and observations, and talking about sex robots and sociopaths and your decorless apartment and fear of taking risks...

You are the only one I can converse with like this.

I'll be so bound and determined to stay in this mindset of It's not going to work out...

Then I get off the phone with you feeling like I could glow in the dark.

I fall in love with you all over again.

You're just so goofy and witty and smart, and ridiculous... And talking to you feels so, natural.

I'm helpless...

I wish you could stop being so afraid.

Some risks might be worth taking.

I said I wouldn't call you. And so far, I've stuck to my guns about that.

I did, however, send you a gif.

Just couldn't stop myself.

You know, earlier I threw in my earbuds and took a walk to the gas station around the corner. My main reason was to get a new vape, and maybe something for my son.

I found myself at the back coolers, where the alcohol is kept. I browsed a bit, looking mostly at the 4 lokos and the twisted teas. I saw a black cherry that sounded good, and I was so tempted... Actually went to open that door and grab one or two. I've been feeling down most of the day, and I thought, maybe just tonight. It's the 4th after all...

I walked out with a new vape, and a Yoohoo for him. Nothing else.

It's been almost 10 months now since I've had a drop of that stuff. Something that, just a year ago I couldn't go a night without. I still think about it. But I can show restraint.

As much as I hate to say it, I hope one day I can get to the point where I have that level of restraint with you.

I hope you enjoy your evening. And please stay safe.

I'm struggling to type this letter out... I can never find the right words at the right time to convey what I'm trying to say... Maybe some ADHD medication would be beneficial...

I think I may owe you an apology, A.

Not for how I feel about you... Loving you is something that I will not apologize for. Let me be clear on that. And you can take that however you want. I love you, and have loved you for a long time. I love you for who you are, inside and out. And I feel absolutely no shame for that.

This apology is for the position that we find ourselves in now. I've said this before, but, I do not believe that you feel the same way for me. And that is probably, at least partially, my fault.

I do believe that, at least for a time, you did have feelings for me. We were talking quite frequently, and, you seemed genuinely interested. The problem is, I let myself fall for you again, this time too hard and too quickly. I felt so connected to you, in a way that I didn't before, when we were just work buddies who hooked up on the weekends. I got carried away with this fantasy of meeting up with you again, of being with you, and I think I came on too strongly (especially after you told me of your plan to travel here)... And I think that maybe that's why you've been pulling back.

I'm sorry, A. I never meant to ruin what we had, or what could have been. Certainly never meant to make you feel weird.

It's not something I wanted to face... But, after that two weeks when you completely blew me off, ignored my calls... It told me what I've been refusing to come to terms with.

When you called me after work last Saturday, you said you'd been working a lot, having to go in earlier again. Which I understand, really, I do. And you don't owe me any of your time. But, I think most people would view that as the person (you) just not being invested in the situation anymore.

That's what I've been trying to kind of block out. The thought of us never happening. Stepping back and looking at this whole picture, it kinda feels like I've just been trying to feed a delusion.

The reality is- we aren't going to end up together. We're two former lovers, and currently single friends, who have lived very different lives during our time apart. While we definitely have some things in common, and I at least feel that we had started a serious spark... We're both in difficult situations, states away from one another. I don't see you wanting to be with someone like me, not long term.

And even if you still wanted to make this work... How?!

You're an amazing guy. I've been beyond lucky to call you at least my friend. You have so many great qualities. (You described yourself as "difficult"... I still don't see it.) And whether you believe it or not, you would absolutely make a wonderful husband.

But, like I said, I'm residing in a fantasy. I don't think it will ever be me next to you at that altar.

And that's my fault.

Again, I'm really sorry, A. I ruined something that could have been... Well, no use in fantasizing anymore.

Take care.

What are we both doing with our lives? Like, neither of us are truly fucking happy. We're not living. We're... Existing.

I hate my fucking job. I hate the people there, the constant drama and high school behavior and the way they run things... Yes, it pays bills. It also makes me want to cry/scream into a pillow every night. I'm trying to hold on here, at least for my kid's sake. It just feels like it's getting harder every day to keep going like this...

If it wasn't for you... Idk. I'm just extremely grateful for you. You help me keep some semblance of sanity. Though there are so many more reasons.

How about you? You don't like where you are. You don't care for your job. You keep talking about wanting to move. And really, I hope you're able to. I know you wouldn't move down here. And, it's okay. I just want you to be happy. I don't want you to be stuck there the rest of your life. I don't know if you heard me on the phone earlier when I told you, the first chance you have to get out of there, you should take it. And I hope you do.

If I were even half as smart as you, I'd have never let you go back then. I was so stupid...

Can we run away together?

Yeah, I need to go to bed now lol.

Goodnight, hope you are sleeping well...

Really anxious to see you again.

But I miss you, alright?

Happy?

Fuck me.

I've always known how to pronounce your last name.

When I asked you that day, I was feeling nervous and just trying to make small talk, okay?

But I knew.

I... I care about you. Hope you know that.

Maybe we can talk again soon...

Like a fish on a fucking lure.

Starved for any crumb of attention you decide to throw my way.

I've never seen you as just an option.

So, why this?

What the fuck am I doing anymore?

I threw on a fun, unconventional outfit for our trip out of town today. I thought of you as I was picking it out. (Did you know that cowboy sun hats are a thing? You'll just have to see it.) Going into one of the stores, a woman complimented me. Just something small, but thoughtful, and it kinda lifted my spirits a bit.

Anytime we're at a store and I see a cute dress, shirt, whatever, I think to myself, Would he think I look good in this?

I make a lot of decisions with you in mind. Like I'm trying to seek out your approval or something.

I just value your opinions.

Some days I feel like only one of us is still hanging onto this. Today's one of them.

I'm sorry, I'm just being honest. You haven't been reaching out much. I'm not really sure what to make of this.

But I tell myself it's just negativity trying to take hold.

Maybe things will work out with you, and we will end up together one day. Building our own happy little future. Watching the sun rise together. Fiercely loving each other, and grating each other's nerves on occasion, watching the years go by while our wrinkles multiply. Maybe throw a dog/cat in there.

There's still no one I'd rather spend what's left of this fucked up life with.

Only in my dreams

Hey.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you this morning.

Sorry if it seemed like I was in a rush to get off the phone with you last night. Just had things to deal with, and I know you understand ... I didn't want the conversation to end, honestly.

I hope you have a good day today.

I appreciate you texting me back this morning, A. Hope your workday is going alright, and I hope the popsicles are helping with the heat, at least a little.

It's going to be a long morning. I'm sitting outside trying not to fall asleep.

I took medicine this morning... Not realizing it was the nighttime variation... Trying to drink coffee to combat it. Pray for me lol.

Missing you as always.

I was asked if I'd talked to you today. I told her, no, it's been a couple of days. I've talked about you quite a bit. Nothing bad, of course. There would be nothing negative to say about you anyway.

Remember when you called in the middle of the night? (It's a good thing I woke up when I did and called you back.) Can't believe it's only been a month. I still wonder how much of that conversation you remember. I do believe that what you said, despite the inebriation, came from a place of honesty. And I was honest with you as well. We may have gotten a little carried away, but it kind of felt like old times.

I wish we could have more conversations like that. Raw, unabashed truth. Not hiding away our feelings, or our inhibitions.

You're the only one who could make my phone ring at 1 am and wake me up out of a dead sleep... And I'd gleefully stay up until sunrise with you.

If I were to do the same, I wonder if you'd talk with me. I'm seriously considering doing just that tonight.

Just know that I know you're trying. I am as well.

I haven't lost interest in you. Nor will I ever go anywhere.

You're too good for me. But as long as you're still wanting to stay, I'll be here too.

Please keep trying.

You're a good man. One I'm fighting like hell for.

I know you kind of went through something this week. You told me about it this morning. I hate that you're having to deal with it, but at the same time, I'm relieved that it wasn't a worse outcome. At least it will heal up in a few weeks... But it scares me to think of the possibilities of what could go wrong at that place.

If something more severe were to happen to you, would I even find out about it?

You still mean a lot to me, A. You're one of the most important people in my life. And, stubbornly, I still have all sorts of feelings for you.

You have my heart in your hands, whether you're aware of it or not.

But I'll be blunt: it feels like you don't like me the way you claimed to before.

Like today, it felt like you were kind of rushing to get off the phone with me. I mean, I had barely said goodbye before you turned on that carpet cleaner...

I don't know. You've seemed a little distant ever since I asked about you visiting the other week. When we do talk, there's no excitement in your voice. There's no flirtation. No random pics. No, I dreamed about you the other night...

I can't make it any more fucking obvious to you that you aren't just some temporary fling to me. I'm into you and I am fully invested in, whatever this is.

It's up to you to join me or not.